Wilderland

Into the wild…

I like wilderland. It’s like wonderland, or underland – it’s a land that isn’t exactly real but feels like it might be. An alternate dimension where one can define their own reality. I’m choosing to call my reality Wilderland. My reality as of late is picking up, past the mud and muck of the bottom of a dry but sticky well, up through the ground layer of passable dirt, onto the road. I think I’m traveling now, and the worst thing for a traveler in a strange land, or for a stranger is the stagnation of standing still. I plan to do very little standing. Sitting sometimes, perhaps, to catch my breath will work. But lately, I’ve been doing a lot of running.

It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve had any contact with the ex. And people were right…it gets easier every day. I haven’t had the urge to message her in awhile. I don’t know how long, because my last urge was a passing phase that got overshadowed by a smile and a wave. My thoughts towards her have started to change. And the farther away I am, the more I realize that my feelings are changing. I’m no longer jealous or angry. I suppose the easiest way to describe it is a sense of semi-apathy. Her life, her world right now seems far away from mine – another parallel world where it exists but does not figure into my reality. And my reality is what is important to me, in the now.

I talked with J on Saturday. Actually, she (per usual) did most of the talking, while I sat and listened (the record still stands at me: 6 words in edgewise in a half an hour conversation. I beat that this time). I got to say a lot of what was on my mind, and I told her the truth. Sometimes the truth sucks to hear. But I’m not going to be the person that lies to someone to try and make them feel better. I just don’t work that way (anymore).
The funny thing about lies is that I’m very good at it. I lied a lot, in my relationship with the ex. Some minor, some not so much. But the one I got caught on – or maybe two, depending – were the last in a long line of them that never came to light. I’m not proud of it. But I’ve accepted a new form of radical honesty. Doesn’t mean I always have to say what I think, but if someone asks, I’m not going to hide it from them. If you don’t want the truth, or if you want a glossed over, pretty version of it – I’m probably not the person to go to. J and I haven’t spoken much since then. A few texts. We’ll see what happens.

Saturday night I went bowling with my Scooby gang. I don’t bowl. Well, I like to bowl, but I’ve only been a handful of times, and I’m not very good at it. I got a 94 first game. And second game sucked so bad, I seem to have blocked it out. But I did get 5 strikes in a two game time period. After that, I wandered off to play video games. The arcade in the bowling alley had my favorite ever video game – big game hunting – I shot African buffalo (tastes good with gravy) for awhile. I got the machines 3rd highest score. I’m good with that, considering I haven’t played in a long time. After bowling concluded at about 1:30 am, we had a very early (or late) breakfast at Denny’s. This coming up weekend, I get to help two of them move. I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am. Insert sarcasm here. I texted back and forth with the cute girl from Ok cupid on Saturday night and Sunday. I’ll call her Spike. We have plans to speak on the phone tonight. I’m nervously excited. I warned her that I’ll be very nervous and that I get extra snarky. She adores snark, so I should be good. She asked me if I had a facebook yesterday. Told her yes and how to find it. She hasn’t added me yet. I guess we’ll see. That’s my philosophy on this whole thing right now – wait and see. Chill. Relax.

Last night at about 10, the heavens opened and started dumping water like Florida was a wildfire that needed to be extinguished. It hasn’t stopped. I think the sun is trying desperately to make a late, but obligatory appearance now but…oh no wait…it didn’t make it through. When I went out on break at 10, it was a tropical monsoon, with the rain blowing sideways instead of falling straight down. No matter how good your umbrella is, you’re still going to get wet. I keep looking out the window, wishing I was outside dancing in it. Then lightning will flash really frigging close – and I’ll remember my aversion to electrocution. I don’t feel like dying today. I’m marking that down as definitive progress, thank you very much.

I’m kind of rambling all over the place today. I think it’s because after a (mostly) quiet weekend, my head is kind of muddled, but not in a bad way, just in a cluttered way. I cleaned my house partially between Saturday and Sunday, and I think I need to do some preparation-for-spring mental cleaning as well. Something to the effect of out with the old, in with the new. I’m keeping myself open to a world of possibilities and trying to go through my daily life with my eyes wide open, even if it means seeing myself hurtle off the edge of a cliff. Maybe with my eyes open this time, I’ll actually see the fall coming, so I can make steps to avoid it. I know what I want. I know what I don’t want. And seeing as I haven’t been able to say that with any type of conviction for a long while indeed, I’m taking this as a step in the positive direction.

I suppose that’s all for now.