weekend update *edit with pics*

it’s been awhile, hasn’t it? I haven’t meant for it to be, but life kind of happened, and sometimes I get into strange moods where I don’t really feel like sitting down and writing/typing. I usually do it anyway, but still. This time, I took a little break. It was good to clear the head.

Saturday I got up early – was helping two of the scooby gang move from two separate places into one larger one. Took all frigging day, mostly. I did fall down the stairs (once) and they were concrete stairs – landed flat on my back, so I think I have stair indentations in my spinal column but I’ll live. Thankfully, I got the klutzy out of the way early and there were no other incidents. I did a lot of driving that day. First, I drove to B’s house to load up. That took a few hours. Then we went over to S’s house to load up HER stuff (and from only having one room worth of stuff, I think she had more stuff than B did). Then we drove from Largo to Tampa to unload, where we got two more guys to help. Unloading took about an hour. Then I had to take the other S back to B’s original apartment to pick up her car (she drove B’s car to tampa full of stuff) then I went home. Got home, took some painkillers and sat in a bathtub for a long time. Thankfully, Sunday I wasn’t that sore. A few aching muscles. Nothing major.

Sunday was date day, when I was going to meet Spike. I was nervous Saturday night, went clothes shopping on Friday to get some new jeans that actually FIT me and a new shirt (that actually fits me as well, who knew). Waking up on Sunday morning, i had a little bit of the jitters, but not too bad. I made a CD for driving – was driving past work to Clearwater, which seemed like the halfway point between where we both lived. We met at Borders. When I found the place, since I was slightly unsure of where I was going, I just sat in the car for a few minutes and collected myself. I was about 15 minutes early. Finally walked inside, thinking I would be there first, but nope. She was already there, and I would have known her in an instant. First impressions? Slightly awkward pauses, but the girl is absolutely gorgeous. And really? Throughout 90% of the time we didn’t really run out of things to say. We talked. a LOT. About everything. Something about her just seems different than what I’m used to – what I’ve allowed myself to become used to, and put up with. It’s strange, we see all these negative things, experience and even participate in these negative patterns, and while we’re in them, we don’t realize the extent of how bad it’s gotten – once I was out of it, I saw it. It took that distance. From coffee at borders, we walked around the bookstore for awhile. Then we went and sat outside, but the outside seating was in the shade and it was cold – Florida has been in the 40-50 range the past several days, even on moving day, I was wearing a hoodie, and didn’t take it off despite moving boxes etc. That says something. When sitting outside didn’t work out as well as planned, we got in the car and went to Chipotle for lunch. Talked some more. she did the “typical first date” 20 questions thing. We laughed a lot. Seriously – I think my face is bruised. I don’t remember the last time I laughed that much or that consistently. It’s definitely been awhile. From there, since I told her I could drive her home, so she didn’t have to catch a bus, and neither one of us really wanted to go, we drove to the Causeway and walked around for a minute, then decided to sit at the top of the hill and talk there. We sat there for a long time. I’m including pictures, including a picture of the two of us – first date first picture, little strange but I have this thing with photographs….I made a lot of assumptions when I was younger, and didn’t take nearly as many pictures of things I wish I could now remember. But I don’t have those, and I can’t go back and get a do-over, so those opportunities are gone. I think I have like…maybe 5 pictures total of Jaime…and that’s heartbreaking to me, but at 15 you think you have all the time in the world, and you don’t. I was young and stupid. After a few hours at the Causeway, i took her home. Dropped her off in front of her apartment. She gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek (awww). We made plans for our second date, this Sunday, going to pick her up at 10-ish and go back to my house to show her around and have a movie marathon.

it occurs to me as I’m writing this that I don’t know what the normal timeline for dating is. I don’t really KNOW what normal dating is. Most of my serious relationships have started out long distance because it’s hard for me to meet people and connect with them. I’m shy, I’m socially awkward at times. I refuse to meet people at a bar, where you can’t have a real conversation. I’ve met most of my partners online, in some fashion or another. I suppose K counts as someone I dated locally, but we know how well that turned out, and I didn’t really think we were “dating” until it was already over. At the time, we were hanging out, going to dinner, etc. It just didn’t occur to me. Before that, was M and she lived out of town, but in state. And she moved down here pretty quick. Before that was Pixie, but she moved into my house within a month or two, so that wasn’t exactly normal either. I don’t remember the last time I “normally” dated someone. If I ever have. And I realize that Spike and I have had one date, and I’m over-thinking and over-analyzing things, but it kind of scares me. I don’t know the time line for how things normally work out in the world, because I’ve never had that. I know that so far with her, I’ve done the complete OPPOSITE of my patterns I was stuck in, and pretty much let her be in control. She gave me her cell number first. she initiated our first phone conversation. She brought up meeting first, and decided what we were going to do. Once we were out together, we mutually suggested/decided things so that was good. We both made suggestions for the second date, and I came up with movie marathon day at my place, but she chose the day. I’m okay with that for now, as long as it doesn’t seem too complacent on my end eventually. I realize that I haven’t even really started yet, anything with her, it’s just beginnings, new starts but I’m terrified of fucking it up somehow. I have a tendency to do that, especially when I’m overly cautious and unsure of things. I’m not sure how that gets better, except through time.

I’ve been wary of meeting people in general, because I didn’t feel i was in the right “space” mentally to be able to do that. I don’t have those reservations now. Not saying I’m ready to be the typical lesbian and uhaul it tomorrow or anything and I’m certainly not planning on getting married or anything like that…I’m okay with taking everything one step at a time and just relaxing into something, if that’s what it becomes. If not, I’m okay with that too – but I do have to say, I could like this girl. Easily. She’s so much of the things I’ve wanted that I didn’t even realize until long after the ex. She’s smart, she’s hilarious, sarcastic, easy going, relaxed, beautiful, creative. Is it snobby that I’m impressed that she has a college degree, and works with children, when I never graduated from college? It impresses me. Her best friend kinda scares me though 🙂 Over-protective and fiesty. Pretty sure I can handle it.
any advice, commentary, etc is welcome. I just want to take things slow, and if it’s going to be something, I want it to be the right way…although both Spike and I have agreed that at our ages (she’s 31, and I’m 32) we’re sick of the bullshit and the drama and the games that seem to surround both of our past relationships, and ready for something that’s just…real. I’m taking this as a good first step, and see what happens from there.

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this is the view from where we were sitting on the causeway.  It was honestly breathtaking

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we used shells as chalk on the rocks we sat on.  Can you guess who did which one?