Vicodin Dreams

Incidentally, I cannot type the city name “Denver” without first trying to, by finger muscle memory alone, type “Devon”. Go figure.

It’s hard to believe that I was ever out of the state at all, though a few sore muscles from hiking up and down ravines, a lingering tiredness and overwhelming catchup at work remind me. This week has been spent so far trying to get back into the swing of things, get myself grounded in the reality of what my life is – like six days away somehow made me forget.

I got back into town Monday morning, early – my flight left grand rapids at 7 am, and I was out of bed by 4:45 – after maybe 20-30 minutes of sleep. I’ve realized that 32 years old is far too old to try pulling all-nighters like that. I slept on and off for the majority of the flight home, although I had an isle seat, which is good for me who always has to pee as soon as I realize I can’t – but not good in the sense that I didn’t have anything to lean against. I can’t sleep on my back, or sitting straight up. I’m a side sleeper, usually the left side (creature of habit, although that’s changing, since I currently, by default, sleep on Devon’s LEFT side, which means for cuddling purposes – at least when it’s not 150 degrees – I have to try to sleep on my right) so it was difficult. I think the majority of the flight I was actually asleep, but lightly, opening my eyes frequently to shift to another would-have-been-but-not comfortable position. Most of Monday I relaxed…tried to nap…cleaned up the house a little bit. I picked Devon up from work at 6:30 and spent the night at her house. It was huge, and intense and memorable, there. Although I was sleep deprived, I didn’t want to close my eyes – just wanted to keep staring at her. We couldn’t stop touching each other, although not in a dirty way – okay…not ALL in a dirty way. Just our hands touching, playing with her hair…something. Some kind of physical contact after 6 days, which felt like a much longer time without. We both cried on Tuesday morning when I left, although not together. We agree the time away was good…for me, it made me a lot more focused, secure – my time away taught me huge life lessons on love, faith, trust, hope and a future. It taught her gratitude for what she has, she said. We talked a lot. Laughed more than that. Fell asleep with no blankets in the boiling house – welcome back to Florida.

My meeting went well on Tuesday night – both of them. There was still some tension there after the great CODA war of 2011 – I don’t think I wrote about that here, and don’t really feel like getting into it much now. There was still some awkwardness and rudeness on the part of a couple immature people. The second meeting – the reason FOR the coda war in the first place of my core group of trusted people – went very well as well. We all shared…all opened up, explored trust and vulnerability. I’m working on a homework assignment which is difficult – I’m doing two columns – one is the lies I grew up (and still struggle with) believing about myself. The second is the truth. Once I’m done (I’m up to 8, and I need at least 10 according to my sponsor, but each and every one of them makes me cry) I will photocopy it and post it somewhere in my house. I am also, upon sponsor’s advice – photocopying the list of 10 promises Devon wrote to me a couple months ago in the big book of awesome – not unknowable promises, but real ones. To remind me that I’m worth it…that some things are real. Important to remember.

Yesterday was a hard day. Work, since my return has been a multi-faceted nightmare. Add onto that one of my epic migraines that I didn’t manage to catch and nip in the bud on time, so it became full-blown. I went grocery shopping after work – being in walmart at 5:30-ish probably didn’t help the head. By the time I got home and lugged all my groceries upstairs, emptied the cat litter, took down the trash, and cleaned my car, I was not doing well. At all. I couldn’t even have the TV on because any sound at all was like shards of glass being driven into my eyes. That’s how bad it was. I used to get migraines that would last for 2-3 days at least once a month. Now I get them less frequently, but they’re typically worse, and they still last for 2-3 days at a time. I took a vicodin last night in the hopes that a strong painkiller would be able to knock it out – it didn’t, just made me loopy. I went to bed early, hoping to sleep it off. And I had some of the strangest dreams I can ever remember. I remember that I was a fugitive from this group that was hunting me and a couple of friends. So they had these dolphins we could ride (I don’t know) that could disappear, and appear elsewhere. Then we were in a swimming pool for training, and instead of just riding the dolphins, we became the dolphins, and we were training on how to be dolphins. I was swimming laps in the pool, when I noticed I was in really deep water, and there was starting to be debris and blood – and sharks. A shark came right at me, and I remember being chased. It was really very strange. I blame the vicodin.

When I woke up this morning, the headache was still there, just as bad (if not worse) than it had been last night. I sat on the edge of my bed and cried for a minute, actually. Every time I coughed, I had to press my thumb into my temple, or else feel like I was going to pass out. Yeah, not good. I left the house a bit early so I could stop at cvs and go for my typical migraine kit, not really holding much hope in the fact it would do much good – Starbucks double shots (2), Mountain dew and excederine Migraine. I chugged the double shot on the way to work, which made the shaky and nausea worse. Then I took 2 excederine with the mountain dew. By the time I heard from Devon, shortly after 8, I was already starting to feel much better. As of now, the headache is gone, only a little lingering pressure and tinges of it are still there. I’m trying not to exert myself and stay out of the heat in order to make sure it’s gone for good.

I have dinner plans tonight at 8 with one of my inner circle from group. I’ve never talked to him one on one before, but he’s like a big brother to me, and I’m really looking forward to it. We’re meeting at midtown. I have some major cleaning to do before then, since a whole bunch of people are meeting at my house tomorrow for First Friday.

First Friday is a block party downtown on the first Friday (duh) of every month. They play live jazz music, all the restaurants and bars are open late, and you can drink outside, etc. Devon is catching a ride with a group of her friends to my house, we’re all going out together, then she’s crashing at my place for the weekend. I honestly can’t wait. Next weekend is going to be something else entirely, as it will be our Beltane celebration. Can’t wait for that….yeah, just went to my happy place for a minute, sorry.

This was a long entry of semi-catching up. I need to write more about the trip, but it’s hard to know where to start . It was nice. Good for me. Relaxing and peaceful – and amazing to spend time with my best friend again. I’ll leave it at that, for now.

***oh and also – tomorrow is Flash Friday – if you’d like, leave a note with your personal prompt, and I will try to write a flash around it tomorrow.