Unlikely Hero

Devon told me this week that I was her hero, for how I’ve been supporting her emotionally, been strong and brave in a time of uncertainty and been the “perfect partner” for her when she’s needed me. I don’t feel like a hero. I certainly don’t feel brave, or strong particularly. And while I’ve tried to support her, to the best of my ability, I don’t feel like I’ve done a particularly noteworthy or good job. All I do is all I can do – hold her, try to talk to her, attempt to help her with her anxiety, and be as supportive of her in this as I can be. But I am scared. We still don’t know what’s going on medically. She did end up going to the hospital last Wednesday night, and all her blood work came back normal – except she had a high white blood cell count. By itself, it’s no big deal – she was fighting off a cold at the time. But she’s had a consistently high white blood cell count for years, which can be a sign of something more serious – and as the ER doctor so kindly (dumbass) pointed out, including cancer. But it could be anything, and I’m doing my best to not fear for the worst, and hope for the best. We both have. We are looking up different possibilities. She had a doctor’s appointment on this Wednesday for more tests – they tested her B-12 levels, her white blood cell count again and her folic acid content. We’re hoping not to hear from the lab, as it’s a good sign to hear nothing, and she has a follow up appointment next Friday. The doctor did say that she doesn’t think it’s anything particularly serious. Just need more information, so that’s what we’re trying to do. Thanks to WebMD (which Devon is absolutely addicted to) she has self-diagnosed herself with Gastritis, which led to a constant infection, which attributes the white blood cell count, it can affect how your body digests nutrients, which could lead to a low B-12 level, which causes the constant fatigue, etc, etc. If that’s all it is, and it seems highly possible, that would be fantastic. It’s an easy fix. Definitely one of the less scary possibilities. No matter what, though, I know we got this. Our relationship is stronger than ever, and we are pulling together as a cohesive team, rather than apart. This is good. And I know that, whatever happens, its us against the world. My question is, I guess – do heroes think they’re heroes at the time? Or is it all the perception of those around them that give them that title?

Also: “If you’re trying to punish me, it’s not working…”

Nevermind.

This weekend will be calm – we both will spend time apart, as she’s hanging out with Leighann on Sunday evening for dinner and a movie. I had plans to go to a movie with Aimee on Saturday morning, but they have since fallen through. Devon asked me out on a date for Saturday night – whatever I want to do, anything I want to do… so I think the plan was for the Arcade, where we can stomp each other silly with video games – if she’s feeling up to it. Since our Saturday morning plans fell through, hopefully we can spend the morning relaxing and taking it easy before the evening comes. We have other plans for some point during the weekend too… something I have to do… which will prove interesting to say the least.

I swear the picture entry of awesome complete with the wizarding world of Harry Potter photos (by request) is on it’s way – the pictures have been uploaded…just the world has been so crazy ever since we got back, I haven’t gotten around to it yet. It’s in the works, hopefully at some point this weekend.

I’ve been listening to religious documentaries again nonstop, along with gay/lesbian documentaries, trying to find my place in this fight that’s occurring every. Single. Day. I’m sick of sitting around and wanting the world to change around me. In order to change the world, little insignificant people need to stand up and do something. If you’re in the mood for something to watch, I recommend (on the religious front) The god who wasn’t there, Fall from grace, or For the Bible tells me so and Fish out of water. On the political front, I highly recommend “Tying the Knot” or “8: a mormon proposition.” Or “fagbug”. My head is reeling with information and things I need to look up. I can feel my inner debate demon making another appearance in the near future. A fight is brewing inside of me, and despite not being able to control it – I don’t want to. I am very well informed on religious beliefs and histories – I am becoming more informed on the fight for gay equality across the country and the world, and I know that the time is coming where I will have to do SOMETHING because I can’t contain it anymore – and I shouldn’t want to. I don’t like confrontation but I’m good at it. And I know a lot more about this stuff than a lot of people I know because I’ve had to. I’ve had to defend myself, my beliefs, my “lifestyle” because of my upbringing more times than I can count. And now it’s not about defending my beliefs – it’s about defending my rights against the hateful propaganda spewing from other people. The other side is busy. Mine should be too – and each and every person with a stake or emotional stance on this issue should be, and must be doing something to make those feelings or beliefs known. I’m not out there to change anyone’s mind – but I want others to be informed as well.

Writing has not been at the forefront of my mind these days – too much real life going on. I miss the community and the feedback here though… and I miss my friends. I may be in ghost mode, but I am reading – even if I don’t always say something. Peace and love to you all.