thoughts and waves

It comes as no surprise that I’m an idiot sometimes. I can’t shut my head off long enough to just relax, take things easy and remember to breathe. I can’t complain this week. But I’m starting to be afraid that something a few people have told me might be true, after all. I didn’t want to believe it was, but it might be. What if I’m one of those people who just never is satisfied with anything?

It’s been a good week. People at work think that something’s wrong with me – first of all, I’m dressing in clothes that actually fit me, that aren’t about 10 sizes too big – at some point in the last month, I guess I started to give a crap about what I looked like. Has nothing to do with anything but me. But I’ve had a smile on my face every morning, I’ve been social and interactive. I’ve been happy. And considering how I normally am, it’s a welcome change to some of my co-workers. My head is racing a million miles a minute and it’s hard to catch onto a single thought long enough to focus on it. I’m thinking of a lot of things. My second date with Spike is on Sunday – I’m picking her up at 10-ish in the morning and driving us back to my house for a day-long movie marathon. I’m making taco salad for lunch/dinner/whenever we decide to eat. Part of me is thrilled. I mean, it’s a good sign that on the second date someone wants to come over to your house, right? We haven’t even kissed yet. But some of my old ghosts, my panic, my paranoia has started to crop up, and it’s not because of anything she’s doing, or hasn’t done – it’s just me. She’s being wonderful, honestly. We’ve talked on the phone 3 nights this week, for over an hour. We’ve texted in between. She usually calls me when she gets sick of texting, which tells me that she wants to talk to me, or else she wouldn’t call, right? Usually, text-wise I message her first, but not all the time. Talking to her is still easy – she’s good at thinking about stuff to talk about, and we go off on random tangents that lead us to conversations and stories and laughing. Having to text her first is a leftover old ghost I get from the K and the ex days, I guess. I’m not sure if I’d hear from her if I didn’t, but at the same time, I do. She clearly wants to talk to me – she’s putting in an effort. Am I just wanting more, already? I don’t know. I’m trying to make my brain shut up and just let things happen. Let it be. Things happen when they happen, and I need to learn, as I said in my last entry, to get out of my own way and just enjoy it. There’s so much going on in my life right now that makes me unbelievably happy, fulfilled and peaceful.

In light of the fact that I’m having company for a good chunk of the day on Sunday, phase one of frantically cleaning my house begins tonight. Not that my house is a mess or anything – I keep it pretty neat. But I want it to be better, and I’ve decided that this includes cleaning out my closets and re-organizing crap. That will take care of tonight and probably a chunk of tomorrow, although I clean fast, so it may not be as big of an issue as I’m imagining. The hardest part will probably be taking everything out of my closets and then restacking in some kind of orderly fashion. At the same time, I’m kind of looking forward to it. Once something is in my closet and out of the way, it’s easy for me to forget what’s in there, and just leave it. So it will be like opening the doorway to another, very geeky, world of discovery of things I had forgotten that I had, or had misplaced, etc. Sounds like fun. For such a tiny apartment, I have 2 very good sized closets, and a third smaller one. So getting everything out, tossing stuff I no longer need or doesn’t work, then re-organizing everything else should be a cool task to keep me busy. Other than Sunday, I don’t have any other plans for the weekend. I’m imagining that the Scoobies are still in the process of unpacking – I heard from Sm earlier in the week, asking me about my date and stuff, but haven’t really talked to either of them since. Moving is a big deal, and I really like their new place, so I understand taking the time to adjust. Aside from cleaning, I’m looking forward to sleeping in on Saturday at least – I can’t really on Sunday, since I have to get up early to get ready. I’m leaving the house about 9, because her place is a little bit past where we met up last time, and in case I get lost I don’t want to be late. I’m thinking of running downtown tonight, maybe to see a movie or something. I want to see The Rite with Anthony Hopkins, but Spike and I had talked about seeing that together at some point (if we leave the house on Sunday, that might be a possible scenario). I’m not sure what else is playing, but there’s something nagging at the back of my head that I wanted to see, but just can’t remember.

I haven’t really wanted to sit and write. I’ve tried to write about my first date in my physical journal, dubbed the ‘big black book of awesome’ but I can’t seem to make myself focus enough to do it. Also, I didn’t go to the meeting this week, since it was cancelled due to weather, and I think some of the conflicting things I’m feeling are due to the fact that I didn’t have that weekly booster of recovery that keeps me grounded. I was going to go to the other meeting based on the same materials that is held on Thursdays, but I wasn’t feeling that great last night and didn’t make it. My mouth is still very sore from the Dentist. I guess it’s only been four days, and they did a LOT of work, but still. It would be nice to be able to eat normally again. I’m just hoping that if I stock up on rest for the next day or so, I’ll be at 100% by Sunday, which would be nice. Spike wasn’t feeling so great last night either – but she works at a pre-school, so she is constantly around every kind of sick imaginable. She’s on a major vitamin regimen at the moment though, as long as probiotics etc, and is promising me she will be just fine by the time we’re supposed to see each other. We’re both apparently very much looking forward to it. Feels good to have someone in my life that is anxious and excited about seeing me and spending time with me. We flirt when we talk. Little leading comments, teasing remarks, etc. It’s hard for me to tell sometimes, but I’m pretty sure that with her, I’d have to be pretty dense. That’s just the feeling I’m getting anyway.

Nothing else much to report. I did a 3 card reading earlier this week, that I will probably post later tonight which was a very positive outcome. That makes me feel a bit better. Maybe after part one of cleaning tonight, I’ll take the time to relax, play my favorite computer game and just enjoy myself and force myself not to think, not to worry, not to want things that are unreasonable. I think I can do that.