The Twelve Promises – then and now

I found it important last night as these were being read at the meeting to revisit these. 6 Months ago, I thought these all were a far-flung dream and would never be a reality for me. Now, I’m seeing the light at the end of my first set of tunnels, I’m happy, and while I’m not “cured” and will never have to battle some of these issues again, I’m seeing the truth behind them. And being able to see that, to document it, and to live it is a miracle that I’m grateful for. This is one of my happy thoughts today, and I’m living it for all it’s worth. There is hope, you CAN change…and I’m living proof that this stuff works, if you’re willing to put in the time and effort. Absolutely.

I can expect a miraculous change in my life by working the program of CODA. As I make an honest effort to work the twelve steps and follow the twelve traditions:

1)I know a new sense of belonging. The feeling of emptiness and loneliness will disappear

– 6 months ago: no way in hell. I thought I was going to be absolutely alone, isolated from any close friendships/relationships and that was all there was for me because I didn’t deserve any better – and didn’t know where to go to find it.
– Now: wow. Just wow. It’s true. It’s absolutely true. I have found and discovered a whole new family, with group. I’m being more social, making new friends, maintaining and deepening the friendships I already had, I let go of my inner doubt and inner demons, and because of that, I was ready to not only find but have a new relationship based on mutual trust and respect that I never thought was possible.

2)I am no longer controlled by my fears. I overcome my fears and act with courage,
integrity and dignity.
– 6 months ago: fear was all I knew. The fear of what would happen to me,
now that the world I thought I had crumbled around my feet. I lived in constant fear of not being good enough, not being enough of anything for anyone, especially myself.
– now: practicing vulnerability, as much as it leaves you open and exposed is a wonderful way to let go of fear, as ironic as it sounds. I’m not afraid anymore. I still have moments, yes – but I recognize and acknowledge those moments, accept the feelings, and then let them go, knowing I am where I need to be at this time, and that good things are in my future. I didn’t want to live in fear anymore – it’s so draining of your energy. And I need my energy for other things.

3) I know a new freedom
– 6 months ago: I knew a new freedom then, too, but I didn’t want it. It seemed
scary to be surrounded by only possibilities and no certainty. I had the
freedom, but had not yet let go of my own chains holding me back because I
was afraid. (letting go of being controlled by fear, see above)
– now: it is absolutely liberating to let go of your own preconceived notions
and ideas for how things should be. The reality of the matter is that they rarely work out that way. And it’s usually better that they don’t. I am free, in the truest sense of the word, and the most important thing about this, is that I’m not holding myself back. Never again.

4) I release myself from worry, guilt and regret about my past and present. I am aware enough not to repeat it.
– 6 months ago: actually, more realistically, my whole life. I lived in worry and guilty constantly and fear of how others would think of me, see me or
react to me. I was drowning in it. I was constantly anxious, and constantly
guilty. Some of that guilt was warranted. Some I brought on myself. Most was not. But I didn’t know how to get out from under something that had been so engrained in who I was, from childhood into the present.
– now: I have moments of worry, yes. The overwhelming, suffocating guilt over the past is gone. Absolutely gone. I like the line that says “I am aware enough not to repeat it”. For so long, I was stuck in the same patterns of behavior, knowing what the outcome would be, but unable to see another way. I found another way, and I know how to not be doomed to recycle and repeat my old mistakes. I’m not going back to that place, ever. I’ve let go, I’ve moved on and I’ve forgiven myself for my prior shortcomings. And that’s what needed to happen to find hope in a future.

5) I know a new love and acceptance of myself and others. I feel genuinely loveable, loving and loved.
– 6 months ago: I had a sinking fear that the people in my life loved me out of duty, or even worse – pity. I didn’t feel like I was a lovable person – if I was, then I wouldn’t be going through what I was. I honestly believed the lies I was always told, and didn’t understand how I could ever value myself – and since I couldn’t…how could anyone else?
– Now: there is a certain freedom in letting go, and allowing yourself to feel. It creates this glow around you, which may not be visible to others, but it is certainly tangible. When you love and accept yourself, your imperfections and your room for growth, others can sense that. I feel accepted, loved, and lovable by people in my life now in a way I’ve never had before – for who I am and not who they want me to be. Yes, I’m still pushed to do better, but not to please others – to better myself, to be the person I’d like to be someday. It’s encouragement, not breaking me down. And that’s what makes the difference. Do I still have self-esteem issues? Sometimes. Unlearning 32 years of disrespect for yourself, your wants and your needs is hard to let go, and it doesn’t happen overnight. But it is happening. Slowly and surely, one step at a time.

6) I learn to see myself as equal to others. My new and renewed relationships are all with equal partners
-6 Months ago: I didn’t see myself as equal to anyone. Everyone else was better, stronger, more deserving and it was a constant struggle to catch up. I felt that I had to make up for my inadequacies by doing more, doing better. And in many of my relationships and friendships, I felt like I had to put in 90% to others’ 10%. No one can carry a burden like that indefinitely. But I truthfully had done it in some form or another for so long, I didn’t know there was another way.
– Now: A lot of people have been removed from my life. Sometimes it’s best to let the past stay there. Some of that was my choice, some of that was taken out of my hands. But while it hurt at the time, I’m grateful for that. That other’s had the strength to do that, when I may not have. I’ve made a lot of new friends, and even a new relationship since then, and all the people in my life at this moment are people who are and act like adults, who put in the effort and the will to be there. I’ve learned to set boundaries for myself and stand up for myself, and mostly the response has been positive. I’m good with that.

7) I am capable of developing and maintaining healthy and loving relationships. The need to control and manipulate others will disappear as I learn to trust those who are trustworthy.
-6 months ago: the developing wasn’t the problem. Maintaining was. And I had
lost sight of what “healthy” was, if I ever knew. I didn’t know how to act, didn’t
know what to do or say and was constantly looking for validation or approval
from others. I cannot even begin to imagine how draining that must have been for them, and for the couple that stuck around…wow. Just wow.
– Now: I am capable of developing and maintaining healthy and loving
Obviously. Friendships, or otherwise. I can communicate far more effectively,
and I don’t need to control or manipulate others to have my needs or desires met,
and can willingly give to others. There are certain people where I have more
triggers with into codependant patterns/behaviors – usually the people I’ve known for a very long time. And sometimes I mess up. But those occurrences are fewer
and farther between. I’m learning from my mistakes and accepting change.

8) I learn that it is possible to mend – to become more loving, intimate and supportive. I have the choice of communicating with my family in a way which is safe for me, and respectful of them
-6 Months ago: communication was not my strong point. Not real, genuine
Communication in a healthy and appropriate way. Again, this was worse with
some people than others, but I’ve written about that in depth. The family portion
doesn’t really apply…since I don’t talk to them much. I had a huge problem with
genuine intimacy because while I professed to trust others, I was unwilling to be
vulnerable. So truly letting someone in was next to impossible
– Now: I am practicing (and it is a practice, and trust me it doesn’t always come
naturally) Vulnerability at its most open point. Opening yourself up, practicing
radical honesty and learning to trust those who are trustworthy is a definite
process that happens one day, and one step at a time. But the rewards are
amazing, and so far it has proved to be one of my biggest accomplishments,
and also one of my greatest blessings. I have healed from a lot of the hurt of my
past. And I’m still working on it.

9) I acknowledge that I am a unique and precious creation
-6 months ago: I could barely stand to look at myself in the mirror. Honestly.
– Now: I have begun the process of developing and re-building (or building for
the first time) my self esteem, from the bottom up. It’s a work in progress. But
this, right now, is the first time I’ve ever been happy just by myself. And I feel
proud of myself and my accomplishments. I do have to admit, though “unique
and precious creation” brings a slew of self-deprecating jokes just waiting to
burst out as an initial gut reaction. I’m working on it.

10) I no longer need to rely solely on others to provide my sense of worth
-6 months ago: yeah. I had no sense of self worth, when my whole world
crashed down around me. None. This has literally been a complete
rebuilding of everything, from the ground up.
– Now: I am not defined by what I do, who I’m with, or who my friends are.
I am defined by the person that I am, the person I am trying to become and the
person I was that allowed me to get here. I provide my own assurances, my
own genuine sense of pride and I’m okay with exactly who I am at this current
moment, while still striving for a healthier and more aware self. You don’t even
KNOW how huge that is.

11) I trust a guidance I receive from my higher power and came to believe in my own capabilities
-6 Months ago: I honestly believe my only sense of a higher power was the influence of my best friend in my life. I clung to her like she was a life raft and I
was on the verge of drowning. And I was. Faith is a struggle for me, just as much as letting go is. At this point, I didn’t have any.
-Now: I’m still learning. Letting go, and turning over my will to a “higher power” even if it is of my own understanding is something that doesn’t come naturally or easy. I’m still working on it.

12) I gradually experience serenity, strength and spiritual growth in my daily life
-6 Months ago: hope seemed like an impossible dream. I faked it a lot, forced
a smile on my face when I felt like crying. I experienced my feelings, possibly
for the first time, and forced myself to find a way to help myself, with the support
and encouragement of a couple close friends. It was the best thing I’ve ever done
for myself and I will be grateful and appreciative for that until the day I die.
– Now: I have moments of just absolute calm. Absolute peace. I have days
when, despite every-day things that may happen, I cannot wipe the smile off of
my face. And while certain people in my life may contribute to my happiness,
none of them are the cause of it. I am. I feel free. Free to do, to be
whoever I want, as long as that person is genuine and honest and true to
myself and others.

There’s so much more I could say about all this. I’m still in the midst of the dreaded fourth step, and a lot of it is a lot harder than I expected. Making a searching and fearless moral inventory brings up a lot of crap – a lot of bad memories and worse feelings. But allowing myself to feel that hurt, that anger that pain is the only thing that will eventually allow me to get through it and move forwards. And forwards is where I want to be. I feel like I’m dancing on the edge of the world, and the view from up here is beautiful…but sometimes it requires you to dive in, jump around in the mud and get dirty before the spring rain can come and wash you clean again.