the best policy

Honesty is. Go figure. I’ve always had my insecure moments. Some I can talk myself down from. Some turn into resentments and projections. That’s absolutely what I wanted to NOT be the case this time, in this relationship. So…I took a chance and asked. Asked her if she was still happy here, still wanted this, still felt the same way… whether I was picking up on projections only, or something there, something didn’t feel the same…something was off. And she looked at me with almost tears in her eyes to match mine and said “of course”. Explained that for the last week, either because of hormones, or stress, or fighting off the sick, or something she hasn’t been her normal self, but that was not in any way a reflection upon our relationship. Our relationship was good, and I should never doubt how much she loves me, and how happy she is. She explained that sometimes she gets to a point where she needs some space to unwind and regroup, but that’s just who she is, it has nothing to do with me, or us – it’s just the person she is. And she agreed to try and improve about conveying that. The solution? I decided, and communicated that I would not ask her what was wrong a million times, or keep checking to make sure she’s okay…and trust her that if there was something wrong, she would talk to me about it – and she said it sounded good. Our communication, even when it is uncomfortable or anxious is still stellar. We have a firm foundation in that, and I am incalculably grateful for that. We talked about it a bit more – even though it made me uncomfortable to be that vulnerable, to tell her how I felt and about my fear, I was glad to have that openness about it, and she agreed. It was better to talk it out than to let it continue to sit. Sometimes I get insecure. I don’t know if I’ll always carry that, or if as I continue to grow, it will diminish in frequency or intensity. I think the lingering sick (on my side) and hormones on both sides contributed greatly.

So I’m sick – but not technically SICK sick. On Wed night, I went to bed with a horrible toothache, and woke up at 3 am with shooting pain, that had moved into my temple and right side of my head. I knew I had to do something, and that it wouldn’t just go away. So I went to work on Thursday morning, and attempted to get ahold of my dentist. Devon ended up staying home from work that day as well, with fighting off a fever or some kind of illness as well. I left work early to head to the dentist. Prognosis: tolerable. I cracked one of my fillings without my knowledge, and it had gotten infected, and the infection because of where it was located, had gone up into my sinus cavity. They gave me a shot of antibiotics (into the roof of my mouth, which was pleasant) and set me home with a vicoden telling me the infection would drain out and to get some rest. Once I got home and took my pill I was a little loopy, but felt better. Devon was feeling much better, and did a good job taking care of me as well. We watched a move about Elizabeth Bathory, and watched almost the entire series of Moonlight. She managed to get herself addicted to it while I was gone.

Tonight, I am picking her up from work and we are going to dinner at Leighann’s fathers house, to try and keep the tension for wedding planning at bay. We’re the buffers between two strong personalities (leighann and her father). Our projected numbers for pride have grown – the two of us, Leighann, Ashley and now also Leslie (leighann’s sister). We will see what actually goes down at 7 am on a Saturday morning. Sunday, Devon has to do some wedding stuff, and I will use that time to clean and probably play heroes (continuing game started last night) with the best friend. Life is good…nothing has made it un-good, just real. And the real is the true beauty in this. Truly.

Addendum: I have recently been shopping for something….it will be here soon….I truly am very proud of it, and hope it lives up to expectations…but not yet. Not yet.