“that’s what’s up”

what a crazy wonderful weekend full of firsts it’s been. I can’t even begin to describe all the things that happened, all the things that are going through my head. I’m afraid that if I write it all down, the memory may fade – and I can’t have that. Can’t allow it.

I was up at 8:30 on a Saturday morning, and I didn’t care. I had some last-minute cleaning to do, getting ready and getting all of my stuff together. I was surprised how un-tired I was after staying up late digging through and cleaning my closets on Friday night. About an hour later, I was at Spike’s, then we went to her best friend’s house for awhile before heading over to a restaurant in Dunedin that i can’t remember the name of. From there it was a traffic nightmare and parking disaster at Clearwater beach. Spike and I (and I’m having a REALLY hard time not using her name) parked on a side street forever away from where we were actually going and hiked 2 miles or so (it felt like it) down the beach, to where we were meeting everyone else, who took a separate car. The beach was good. Water was still too cold for swimming but I got my feet wet, and only moderately fell over, much to Spike’s amusement. We hung out there for 3-4 hours, had good conversation, laughter, etc. I absolutely adore watching Spike with her friends – they’re a good group of people, for the most part. Everyone is different one on one than they are in a social setting, so seeing the differences and appreciating them is a big deal to me. Spike and I bowed out early, after 7-ish hours of funness, to head back to my place. The sun in Florida is draining. On the car ride home, we had several deep, intense conversations about everything. My past, hers… life. Past relationships, past turning points. It’s so strange with her in a good way – how we’ve come from opposite sides of the country, opposite family dynamics, opposite relationship histories but have experienced the same results in so many ways and ended up coming together into this beautiful thing that I want to cherish and hold onto. We talked about falling, and how I was grateful that the choice wasn’t really a choice for me at all – told her (although she had read it on my OD previously) about what I experienced on Thursday night, and she understood. She got it.

After we got back to the house, I made breakfast for dinner, which worked and we laid down to watch tv. Have a bible study. Something. And somewhere in the middle of everything there were a couple moments I will always remember. always. We were curled together, having a conversation about everything (it literally was about everything) and I told her that I knew exactly what she was doing to me. She was making me fall for her, slowly and steadily. And I can still hear the response in my head, her face surrounded by dark and vague light-glow through the windows “its ok…i’m falling in love with you too”. I love watching her…certain moments and the look on her face…I digress. Later – about an hour and a half later we were talking again, amid a mess of safety pins and a crazy air conditioner. We talked about stereo types a little… how it a typical lesbian behavior to move too fast, to have things be too intense. It’s an issue with her especially because of her last relationship, which moved quickly and ended in disaster. But that it was also important to do what feels right, and not let the fear of something prevent you from being honest with yourself, etc. And she looked at me (i think, it was dark) and said “good, cause I think I love you” My response was delayed a moment because I had to swallow the urge to randomly tear up, but I had no hesitation in my head, no fear, no nothing…although my response lacked suaveness, it was no less sincere “I think i kinda love you too”. We stumbled out of bed around midnight and she wrote my entry last night and we laughed and talked to the cats for a short time before crawling back into bed.

Today, we were up at 7 am. Seriously. For no reason. The air conditioner in my room is loud – when it kicks on it hums a bit (need to call maintenance on that, it doesn’t really bother me, since I wear earplugs to bed, when I’m alone.) So she was awake. She crawled out of bed and I followed not long after. I was awake. After relaxing and grinning each other to death for a bit, we decided to go to Sawgrass lake. We walked around a bit. She was feeling a bit anxious, but walking around, taking pictures and just being quiet together seemed to help. She felt better after awhile. we went to breakfast at Kissin’ Cousinz, where neither of us had ever been. From there, we went to animal house and someone PLEASE call the guiness book of world records. Spike doesn’t like snakes as a general rule, and while we were eating, she made it clear she would not touch one if I went to look at them. They had some beautiful bigger ball pythons on sale, and I asked if I could take a look at them. The first snake absolutely loved Spike and she touched him. Voluntarily. The second snake loved me, and not only did Spike touch her, she HELD her – all by herself. I was impressed. I picked up some crickets for Rascal and we made a stop at publix for batteries and stuff. When we got home, we hung out for a bit and talked some more, then Spike decided to take a nap briefly. I knew if I fell asleep, I wouldn’t get up so I puttered around the house a bit, read and wrote some. After Spike got up, an hour later we watched Cruel Intentions together. And a short while after that, it was time to take her home.

On the way home, we were talking again (we do a lot of communicating, it’s a nice change – and yes, there is a very distinct difference between talking a lot and communicating) and we talked about her past…this weekend of firsts. How it’s slightly frightening that she’s broken up with everyone she’s ever been with and it’s usually been the other way around for me. But that I’m not afraid. Not insecure. And she’s NEVER been the one to say things first to people, if at all…so it says something about the state of us, as we are right now. And I picked on her, telling her that since there were extra words in it, it didn’t count. So she paused, laughed and said “okay…how about this…I love you” And my heart stopped momentarily, and I’ve never wanted two sets of eyes so bad…all i wanted to do was stop the car so I could really look at her…and I told her I loved her too.

Yes, it’s soon. We’ve only been dating for a month and a half. We’ve only been together for almost 2 weeks. But I know the reasons why this feels different than what I’ve previously experienced. And I can only have faith and hope that she’s being as honest with me as I am with her…that we have trust in each other, and a common faith in this…in us. I’ve had to express in words to another person why this time is different. And it wasn’t hard. I wasn’t struggling for ways to express myself. I wasn’t fighting an internal war with myself to try and justify myself. I wasn’t justifying myself at all – I was simply talking. And he understood… he got it. And I don’t think it’s how long it is until you say it. I think it’s how you feel when you do. I know why I feel this way, and despite the timing or the stereotypes or cliches or anything else – it was true, and it felt right to me. It felt right to her. And I was very impressed that she would show vulnerability that way to me, like I had been doing with her to take the chance and say it first. That may not sound like a lot – but to me, it is. The risk behind it speaks more than words ever could. I know that it feels right to me, and that I have a future full of hope – in whatever way that brings, or whatever that means for me, for her or for us…for everything. This is good.

All that being said, and there’s so much more I COULD say…

is it Wednesday yet?