sunshine, lists and old ghosts…and a funny

Sometimes I think that my head is a dangerous place to live in. It’s too busy, too active, too productive, sometimes it’s all just a bit too much. And if it’s too much for me, how can I possibly expect it to not be too much, or overwhelming, for someone else?

My imagination is a thing of beauty – unless it’s one of the bad times, in which it is a thing of torture. I think for me at least the imagination is one of the cruelest torture devices in existence. I think so many thoughts, so many thoughts that hurt me, sometimes. And I don’t do it intentionally, and I have no control over it when it happens. It just…does. When I was little, since I was raised as an only child by parents 40 years older than I was who didn’t really relate to me, or even try to, I had to find ways to keep myself occupied. My worst punishment as a child was not being allowed to read. Or to write. Even then I kept journals. Even then, I read everything I could get my hands on. So when I was bad, I had to sit in my room, on my bed, no book, no notebook, no paper, no radio, no nothing. So, I did the natural thing for a kid with a very active imagination. I invented whole worlds for myself. I invented people, I invented different worlds, I made up friends, and talked to them. I even just talked to myself, just to hear another human voice. I thought that the door to my father’s handmade grandfather clock, which stood a ticking reminder directly outside my bedroom door (which I wasn’t allowed to close, and didn’t have a lock) was the door to another world. It opened with a giant skeleton key and I loved unlocking it, winding the clock, then closing it back up again. In times like these, when I feel this way, I realize completely how easy it would be for me to sink back into that. Create a world for myself. Invent a girlfriend. Tell everyone about her – but in the end, I’d still be alone. And missing something, that in this case, didn’t even exist. I’m not young enough still to have that be an acceptable alternative. I want something. I want something more, from myself, from others, and from anyone in my future. I don’t think I want that much. In fact, I think I can narrow it down to five.

1) I want someone who can communicate effectively. Even when upset. Someone who knows how to, and wants to resolve conflict – not a week later, not whenever they feel like it – but when it happens.
2) I want someone who will take what I say, and know what I mean, without over-reacting, assuming things unnecessarily or jumping to conclusions.
3) I want someone whose actions back up their words. Who means what they say and says what they mean. Period.
4) I want someone who understands that old ghosts are a hard but not impossible battle to overcome, and be patient while I fight it. I’m not perfect. I never will be – no one is.
5) I want someone who will treat me like I am important without having to be asked to. They do it because they want to. Not because they have to.

Is that too much? Too much to dream of, or to look for? I somehow don’t think so. But it doesn’t really seem to sink in. I think that I’m attracted to the wrong people. I think I have been for awhile now – I’m attracted (mostly, although a few have stood out) to needy people. People I feel like I can help. People who need reassurances and sweet words and support. But being attracted to those people isn’t good for me, because in the end, it makes me feel taken advantage of and victimized. It’s a contradiction, really – because while I feel loved by feeling needed, I don’t feel like I get my needs met – because the people I like are too focused on having their own needs met to worry about mine. And I’ve never been good at either recognizing or expressing what my needs are. Just like I’m not a magician or a mind reader, I can hardly expect anyone else to be? The last two…no…the last three people I’ve been attracted to/with/dated have all found me in the same problem – unable to communicate. I’ve said this over and over and over again, but I still have no clue what causes it. I can communicate with almost anyone in the world. I am a good listener, I can focus, I can re-iterate, I can express myself clearly and effectively – except with the people I’m with/dating/interested in. And I have no CLUE why that is. With K – I could probably chalk that up to the fact that she was crazy. Oh. Btw, speaking of her, I have a funny story – remind me to write about it) K was also crazy busy, kind of like J is, although more valid – she worked 4 13 hour days, and went to school full time. Yeah. And we didn’t talk much because of it. I wanted more from her, yes, which was expounded on because she lived right downstairs. I had broken up with the ex, I was hurting and lonely…and she was a distraction. I liked the girl, I really did. But we never actually sat down and talked about anything much. At least not anything serious, especially after we started having issues – communication issues – go figure. And then it all blew up and went bonkers, and was done with. With the ex – well communication was never something we were very good at, and I’m not sure who’s shoulders that falls on. Honestly, probably both? I got sucked into a lot of her negative communication patterns, and I’m sure I sucked her into a lot of mine. We never resolved anything, ever – we simply called a cease-fire and forgot about it, until the next time. Probably a huge chunk of our lack of communication was due to the fact that she had a huge secret that she kept from me for 7 months. How can you work on rebuilding trust or communication when you’re lying and keeping secrets? And we both did that. But it didn’t help our communication either. And with J – her method to communication is have a fight, disappear for a few days, not talk about it and then, this time at least, say you’re done, and say goodbye. That’s not how you communicate with someone, and I don’t think I’m crazy for saying so. I communicate fine with D, now at least. There was a time when we couldn’t do that either. I can communicate with people at work, with friends, with anyone that I do not have an emotional bond with, that I’m either dating, in a relationship with, or wanting one. Then it seems all communication seems to stop. And I’m starting to more than wonder if it’s me.

When K and I were dating, she used the phrase “old ghosts” a lot. I had never heard it before, but it’s one of the few things from her that I kept with me. I have a lot of old ghosts from past relationships. I’ve been hurt a lot. And sometimes I’m too stubborn to admit when I’ve done things. But, in part thanks to a new friend (and you know who you are) I’m realizing something. What J did to me sucks. There’s no denying that. However, would it have hurt so bad, or would I have reacted SO strongly to it, had everything with the ex not just happened? No. I did have genuine feelings for J, and always have, in the 23 something years I’ve known the girl. I didn’t transfer those feelings to her, in place of the ex. But I did transfer some of the negative ones. I transferred the frustration, the needing something more, the aggravation because I wasn’t being treated like I thought I should be. Like I was told, it’s like I just continued my relationship with the ex, with J. And that wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to J, and it wasn’t fair to me. And I would probably tell her that, were she still speaking to me, but she’s not. She wants a break, whatever that means. So be it. There were a lot of things in our friendship/non-relationship that were warning signs and red flags, and not at all things that I want. And I’m really not going to put in 95% effort for a sometimes 5% return, no matter how busy you are. That kind of pace is un-sustainable. Not for a friendship, not for a relationship, not for anything. And I’m just not willing or able to do it, at this point in my life.

Oh yeah, funny story about K before I wrap it up. So, I was sitting on the couch last night, I was texting Z from group, and we were talking about the grief process and what comes after anger, and K texted me out of nowhere. She does that occasionally. She was working, etc no big deal. But I turned around and said “quick question: Do I have a “fuck me over” tattoo somewhere on my body that I don’t know about? Cause I’d really like to know” And I was just being my stupid, sarcastic self. K responds, about 20 minutes later “seriously? Directing that question at me?” to which I responded “oh shit…I wasn’t meaning you did. I mean I wasn’t saying you did. I was just speaking generally” I love the taste of having my own foot in my mouth. Really do. I’m not sure why that whole exchange cracked me up so much, but it did. It was hilarious to me. I’ll have to write about the whole K story in much more detail sometime, since the person who hated her with a passion and didn’t want me to write about her at all is no longer a factor. It may do me some good to get it all out there. K ended the conversation later with “I’m at work of course, so I can’t really talk. Hope you’re okay though”. That was nice. I don’t expect much more than that from her, if anything.

Onward and upward. I’m getting sick of the view from way down here.