so what…

I should have taken something to heart that I heard a week ago, but then again – I’ve never done things the easy way, and when I’m left alone in my head, the “what ifs” start over-crowding the rational part of my mind – and I literally do drive myself crazy. When all this melodramatic, unnecessary crap went down with Devon’s friends, and the two of us had our first talk about it, calmed down and then placed a call to Devon’s parents, her dad said something profound, and now – after almost 2 weeks, it’s finally starting to sink into my thick skull. So what? Memory is a subjective thing, and everyone remembers things differently. Also, everyone has different ways of coping with stress or trauma. The point being – so what? Maybe it did, maybe it didn’t. When you live in the present, in the now, yes the past helps form you, but you decide who you are in the moment… and it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t affect your life in the now. It doesn’t (or shouldn’t) affect relationships or futures. It’s a part of what was, not what is. So what? I’m pretty sure this man, who has adopted me in a way, who is so supportive, sympathetic and understanding of everything is one of my new heroes. I genuinely love Devon’s family for everything they are. And his wise words need to be taken to heart. And I need to stop spinning my head around things that are silly (jogging pants) and focus on what is truly important – the here and now, the recognition of what it is that I have now, and where this thing is going. I cannot control what other people think about me, or what they say about me, or what’s happening around me. All I can do, in any given moment, is live as authentically as I can – be true to myself and those around me, focus on the now – and let it go. I’ve been holding on out of fear…a fear of what if…a fear if what I don’t know might shake what I do know. And while that is not a possibility I have to face right now, as we’ve both mutually agreed to move on and let this silliness pass, and I don’t honestly feel like I can handle it at this particular juncture, it may be one I’m strong enough to examine in the future. And as Devon has told me, countless times – no matter what, it doesn’t matter. We’re in this together. We can find out together, or not. We are building a life together. And that’s what I need to shift my attention to – not worrying about things that are either inconsequential, or that will be handled as graciously and understandably as they are in the present. I think, in realizing that, along with my revelations last night about self-forgiveness and that nothing can keep me away from this, that no person, place or thing can come between what we’ve chosen to commit to, that I can finally begin the process of letting go. It won’t happen just like that, just because I want it to. But it’s not something i have to send myself into the spin cycle about. There comes a point where you have to choose faith over fear, if you want a chance to live. Faith means that you may get hurt. people may disappoint you. People can make mistakes. But in the long run, it is worth it to live in faith and hope – and not waste your life worrying about maybes, when they dont’ really matter anyway.

I am choosing to try to learn how to live in the now and enjoy every single moment of it. To accept myself, faults flaws, confusions and all – and to move on fully emersed in the present.

That’s really all I have to say about that.

I am a little aprehensive about the next week or two – the wedding madness is coming to a head – Devon’s best best friend is arriving from Maine on Saturday, and will be staying with Leighann for part of the time. But whether or not they discuss the situation or not is beyond my control. And Devon considers this girl her best friend for a reason. I have to have faith in that. Lisa has never seen Devon in a relationship before, let alone a serious one. They’ve never been around each other with a significant other. It will be strange. And I know that some things will be different – but it’s only for a time. It’s only a week, and after that, i have been promised and assured of quality time, and recovery from all of this mess. I have to live the next week respecting other people’s comfort zones, even when they’re in mine – to not take things personally, and I really need to get over the habit of looking for things to be wrong – hypersensativity. It’s a problem, and it makes me crazy. I’m so happy Devon gets to spend time with Lisa – it’s been close to a year since they’ve seen each other. I’m excited about meeting her – far more so than the aprehension. Devon will be out of town for 3 days or so for the wedding itself, while I’ll be at Leighann’s dogsitting. It will be interesting.

Can I just say…I’m looking forward to relaxing after all this is over – the week away from home with Devon while Leighann and James are on their honeymoon (we’ll be dogsitting together in their house) and getting back to a normal-paced, hopefully less hectic (and less dramatic) life. The beginning of the future, for us – and for me.

“those who mind don’t matter. Those who matter, don’t mind.”