so i’ve been thinking…part 1

Dangerous thing, right? Not so much anymore. Not for me.

I’ve been reading a book, written by the woman who was in the video I posted on Friday (if you have not seen it, you really should check it out) called “the gifts of imperfection: let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are” If ever there was a book that has the complete potential to absolutely change my life, this would be it. It’s about vulnerability, not as a sign of weakness, but as strength. Learning to accept yourself, for all your flaws, defects of character, etc. Learning to strive for progress, not perfection. I really think this whole book is going to end up highlighted by the time I’m done with it, and that’s okay. It talks a lot about courage – how society has changed the definition of courage from what was intended, to the concept of heroics. Societies need heros, of course, but if you go to the root of the word courage, it is sharing of yourself with your whole heart. She claims that the difference – the only difference – between people who live wholeheartedly and those that don’t is simple – people who live wholehearted lives have the basic core belief that they’re worth it. When we choose to numb emotion, we have a major consequence. You cannot selectively numb emotion. So when you attempt to numb pain, disappointment, shame, etc – you also, inadvertently numb joy, peace, acceptance, belonging. And those positive emotions that are affected by our willful numbing of the negative are the reservoir that is necessary to get us THROUGH the negative emotions when they come. For example, and I am so guilty of this, completely – if you refuse to get excited about something that you have planned because you’re fearful that it may not work out – or you diminish the importance of something, trying to prepare yourself for the disappointment or hurt if it doesn’t happen, you are also diminishing the joy you experience when it does work out, and it does happen for you. And diminishing something, or saying “it’s no big deal” still doesn’t keep us from feeling hurt or disappointment, even though we try to convince ourselves repeatedly that it does. All it does is close us off to feeling anything at all. To be vulnerable, to be willing to risk does mean that you open yourself up to getting hurt. However, if you risk nothing, ever – you’ll still feel hurt, but you’ll have nothing positive to buffer that hurt with…and you will never reap or receive the rich rewards you could have gotten, had you been willing to be wholehearted, open and honest with yourself – and with others.

Seriously though, my brain is flying at the speed of light (or sound, I’m not sure which is quicker) and there’s so much going on in my head. This has changed everything for me. Absolutely everything. In my recovery group, from the time I started, almost 6 months ago, till now, I am a completely different person. I don’t even recognize myself anymore, and it’s not the hair cut – it’s not the new glasses (which yay, i can see, but I have a horrendous headache). it’s me. Something has changed, inside of me. I believe in something again. And for the first time I can remember in my whole life, I actually feel like I belong somewhere. I feel like I’ve come home like an errant child to a family, full of open arms and acceptance – unconditional acceptance and love – and not just on the outskirts, wanting (and failing desperately) to fit in. And you want to know something? For the first time in my whole life, 32 years worth – I can look at myself in the mirror and feel pride, feel happiness just because of who I am – and I can not only say, but believe – that I’m worth it. I’m good enough for me. Right now, just as I am. Yes, I want to continue to get better. Yes I have miles of room for improvement. But who I am, right now, in this moment – is pretty cool too.

I want to write so much more, but I’m headed out for my meeting. part 2 to come soon.