scattered random

I feel like my head is a pile of errant leaves left in time to tumble with the wind. No, really – my head is moving at a mile a minute while my body is exhausted from trying to keep up. This is not a bad thing, just leaves me slightly breathless and disoriented. To make the disorientation worse, I had convinced myself that yesterday was Friday, so having to wake up to my alarm, get out of bed, get dressed and drive to work today when I was internally convinced it was Saturday was disappointing to say the least. It seems like people are plaguing my patience today, and I’m discovering a whole horde of pet peeves that I wasn’t quite aware of until they’re glaring in my face. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good day – the sun is shining, although the air is cold and the wind ripped through my hoodie on break and I think I may have hypothermia in my left ear. If I have to have it amputated, I will be sad. Seriously though, the wind was blowing a mile a minute and I can still hear the ringing of it in my head. Now, being back in the warm my ear feels hot, but there’s lingering cold breeze in it and I don’t think I like it.

All in all, minor things aside, it’s been a great week. I feel the ache of missing someone, but even with the aching it’s a good thing – as I told Spike last night, it makes me know that I’m where I need to be, and that this is real – experiencing all these new and different emotions that I knew were possible but was unfamiliar with. She feels the same. I’m not sure our plans for the weekend yet – there’s been talk of a beach (off, then on, then off, then who the heck knows) a trolly ride, we’re planning on seeing a movie maybe Saturday night, for which I will dress up and look charming and plague her for the entire showing – should be a crowded-ish screening, and that could be dangerously fun. Going to the movies, barring rain, will include another walk downtown, and since the last one was a huge success, I’m looking forward to it. Usually, I’d say rain or no rain, we’re walking, but – we’re having a cold front this weekend, and sitting in a freezing cold movie theatre soaking wet is not a good time – I know from personal experience. The goal of this is for both of us to not catch pneumonia. Not on my list of things to do. Sunday, who knows. Maybe it will be a lazy day, maybe we’ll do something. I guess we’ll take it as it comes. There’s me, planning for a future, be it the day after tomorrow, or a couple years down the road. Its strange that I can see them both so clearly, after so short of a time. Almost known her for 2 months…seems…like so much more than that. Maybe the lightness of hope for a future here makes the past seem to stretch on, since I’m looking at it from a different perspective – It’s like I’m looking at it from a reach of years from now. I hope it will be years from now, still smiling like we are now. Right now it feels…new and old, familiar and strange. We’ve got to get the sleeping thing down though. Everything is a period of adjustment…and I can’t wait to grow into and settle into this. We have patterns, you see. And they’re beautiful. I’m not deluding myself into thinking everything is perfect, but I’m not waiting for the reality the set in, in a bad way either – the reality is that this is the reality. This happy is just the way it is. And it’s normal to feel that way. It’s normal to miss someone you love. It’s normal to think of them, and want them, and dream of them. That being this happy, this in love, this equal part of something wonderful does not have to mean the bottom is going to fall out – and to think of it in those terms is stupid – just accept that this is the way you’ve imagined it being, and now, here, in this time and place it’s actually real – it’s actually happening. Fucking smile and enjoy every moment of it. And it’s not scary to hear that we’ve both had conversations with others about this thing, this amazing beautiful little thing we have, wondering and expressing in words to others, what we can only somewhat say to each other. That maybe…that it could be. That we think it is. And this thing? It’s not a fragile little bird’s egg that must be treated with absolute care for fear of cracking. We’re both too stubborn to give up, and we throw this thing around like a soccer ball with sarcasm and teasing, confident and knowing that we’re steady. That’s the wonder of it all – the sure footed, steady knowledge that has grown, that is, the core at the base of this. That amazes me, and it’s beautiful. It’s where we are now, and I’m enjoying every, every minute. The Future and dreams will show themselves in due course and I’m waiting for them with open arms, while not forgetting the glow of these moments, both apart and together that make the reality of this simply beautiful.

I heard from the ex yesterday, out of the blue. I didn’t respond. She emailed me what could very well have been an innocuous little note. I can’t see it or take it as anything positive though, especially considering that the last time we communicated (little over a month ago) she told me if I said even so much as “hello” to her, it would be considered harassment (she had looked into it, see, despite the fact that it’s not harassment when you are talking back to the other person you’re claiming is harassing you. Go figure. Her research has always left much to be desired.) It was full of well wishes – she dreamed of me, had been thinking of me off and on, yadda yadda, hoped I was happy, despite that we couldn’t agree, despite we were both right and both wrong, weren’t healthy, etc. I have a difficult time taking anything she says without a salt truck – a single grain isn’t going to get me very far. Honestly, I don’t want her to think of me – not positively, not negatively, not at all. I’m content with my life the way it is, and it doesn’t include her. I can’t say she doesn’t cross my mind, but not in a wondering kind of way, and it’s not positive when she does. I’m still annoyed about the way things went down and the fallout afterwards. I’m still annoyed that 6 months after the fact, she was still slamming me in public, comparing me to her perfect life now, and how incomplete and lacking I was – still outright lying about other things. And whether or not she’s gotten over that anger now has little bearing on the fact that she’s never taken that back, leaving it out there for the world to see. She mentioned in the email that seeing her name would either anger or confuse me. It did neither really. It was there, then the message was gone, and while I thought about it briefly, it really made no difference. The last time we talked, she basically told me to get lost, and it’s amazing how liberating it was to actually do it. I have no interest in opening the lines of communication, and I genuinely hope this is the last time I will see her name come through the electronic lines. I have better things to think about. I don’t trust her motives, don’t trust her sincerity, I don’t trust her. That’s what it comes down to, really. I got rid of the toxicity in my life awhile ago – both of the people that participated and fed into it. And I’ve been worlds better, ever since. I’m going to stay that way. The truth of the matter is, I don’t wish her well, or harm. I don’t wish for her at all. And to think on it, or consider it or pay it any more attention than the slight surprise it brought me yesterday is a waste of time for all the wishes I do have. And these days, I’m full of them.

I’m still dealing with a bit of the residual from hyper-awareness. But not in the close-to-panic was I was on Tuesday. It’s more of a rational, windy calm now. It’s a mix of wondering what the future holds for me and where I’m headed, while at the same time, carrying a calm contentedness for where I am now. I have big plans, and big dreams both for myself and with others. I’d love to see them come to fruition. But I’m not going to wrap myself up in a blanket of stars full of wishes for the future so much so that I’m not capable of feeling the touch of the good of the now. The truth is, and the reality of this moment is amazing. I’m happy. I’m proud, confident (despite minor slips when I stumble on a pebble or slippery leaf in my path), happy. I am happy. And what comes to pass really matters less than what I currently have. I am part of an equal whole. I am happy with myself. I’m not looking for the axe to fall. And sometimes when things seem too good to be true? It’s because you deserve it, you always have, and it’s not too good, it’s just good enough to send you spinning, flying and falling, wrapped up in something great. That’s the feeling I’m choosing to hold onto – that light-headed, free fall rush, not towards the bottom but towards the clouds, knowing and having faith that I’m not crashing this time, I have a safe and steady landing place, should my feet touch down. I am full of faith, trust, hope and love. And I’m good with that. I’m enough, right now, at this moment. And I’m only getting stronger, every day.