Practical lessons: practice what you preach

So…I got my ass handed to me in a lesson in practicality of practicing vulnerability unexpectedly on Tues. night. I think I suprised myself. No, surprised isn’t QUITE the right word…shocked? Something. Vulnerability, as I’m learning from the book previously mentioned is all about stepping outside of your comfort zone, practicing compassion, connection and trust with others who have proven themselves trustworthy. I think it’s important to have learned that lesson – or at least be in the process of learning that lesson for me, because I’ve realized in reflection (in group we are on the 4th step, which SUCKS ASS: “Make a Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory”) that despite my best intentions or my beliefs to the contrary, up until this point in my life I’ve failed to live whole-heartedly, I’ve scrambled for acceptance, which means it gets even further away, I’ve been dishonest with myself and have constantly searched for the approval of others, because I was incapable of approving of myself. That’s not a problem for me anymore. It speaks huge volumes to progress for me to be able to pull myself out of my darker moments, to be able to rely on myself, yes – but to also ask others for help in a reasonable way, and not just expect people in my life to be mind-readers. I’ve never really asked for help, especially not specifically. I have been for so long out of touch with my feelings and my thoughts and identifying how I felt and why that in order to ask another person to fulfil a need – well I couldn’t. Because I didn’t know what that need was in the first place. So I was constantly looking for something, but didn’t know what. Anyway, this was all an avoidance of the actual thing I was TRYING to talk about. So…Tuesday night, after group I was talking to Spike about lots of things, conversation seems to randomly turn between us its nice. So, after we got off the phone, where I had been telling her about OD (I had mentioned it before, in the abridged story of the ex) – she found it funny what I call her here, and the assumptions some people have made because of the name I’ve given her. She asked me how she could find me. I’m not perfect, and my first reaction was an initial EEP, followed by a mild panic. But as I thought about it… I’m not hiding anything really. First of all – at the beginning of 2011, I made all entries in previous years (I’ve had this incarnation of a diary since 2005, and several before then) private – not for any specific reason, just thought that a new year meant in a lot of ways a new start for me, and I wanted a clean slate, so to speak. Secondly, I don’t have a lot of public entries. I have a lot of FO entries, when speaking about the ex, or about deeply more personal issues. Granted, I had written about her, our dates, my feelings, etc – but I wasn’t hiding that from her, was I? So…what was I worried about? I gave it to her. And you know what? I didn’t regret or freak out about it. At all. I had waves of mild panic, between going to bed and the next morning when I talked to her, but my thoughts, observations and feeings here are the truest reflection of my most authentic self, and if I’m afraid to show the person I’m interested in those sides of me, then I haven’t grown, learned or changed as much as I thought. And I don’t regret it. She told me later that she only stalked a little bit, and she smiled the whole time – so I really had nothing to be worried about. I was proud of myself for that. Funny, it kind of goes back to the definition of courage I think I mentioned in my last entry – sharing yourself with your whole heart, not necesarrily being a hero. The funny thing? I think she’s the first person NOT from OD that I’ve ever told about this place. Not only told, but gave her the roadmap to finding a way into my head. And it kinda feels good.

That whole exchange got me thinking about Open Diary as a community, and as a whole, and some of the people I’ve met here over the years. last year, I completely revamped my Favorites, and continuing from that, I’ve started reading and noting more new people in the last 6 months or so than I have throughout the rest of my tenure here. I think there’s only one or two people I still read from way back in the day. My ideas have changed. But when I think about OD, when I think about how much i’ve grown, and changed – and this place has not only recorded it all, but it’s shared it with a public (mostly) forum of strangers – I don’t think about the people here as strangers, really. They’re like an extended family of sorts, brothers in a shared idea of expression. I consider most of the people here that I read regularly my friends. I’ve met several of them over the years – even lived with one for almost 4 years. I don’t think there’s a single person on my favorites list that I wouldn’t jump at the chance to sit down and have coffee with (or a cigar, in the case of one in particular). Even my relatively new reads fascinate me, and I”d love to sit down and talk to them. A lot of people I’ve met here have moved from being friends here, to being on my facebook (btw, anyone who is NOT on my facebook, who would like to be, I”m cool with that – let me know, and I’ll tell you how to find me) or to talking through texts – even on the phone sometimes. The thing with Open Diary is kind of like friendships in reverse. We share some pretty intense, intimate things here. We share our joys, our failures, our triumphs and our downfalls. We share heartbreak, thoughts, ideas, dreams. We write about our lives in the deepest and rawest way possile, and put it out there – so in some ways? I feel like the people on OD who have been reading me/who I’ve been reading for awhile know me better than my friends I see and hang out with every week. I feel like they know me on a deeper level than that. And while it’s slightly strange feeling, knowing there are people out there whom I’ve never met that know me better than the people I see daily, it’s also liberating. This has helped, and not hindered, me on my way to truly discovering the nature of accepting and loving myself authentically. Aside from the minor OD spats I’ve been involved with over the years (and anyone who has been there for any significant period of time has them) I really haven’t received judgement here. I mentioned in my last entry that for the first time, i felt a sense of belonging, in group – like I was finally home, accepted and loved unconditionally. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that, although it had gone unacknowledged for a long time, I had that. I have that, here. People come and go from this place. People change. Sometimes I will have been reading someone for years, then realize that what they say doesn’t really resonate with me the way it used to. And I may continue to read for awhile, then gradually fade. But I am thankful for the people here who have not only influenced my writing, but influenced my evolution, my realizations about myself, my conciousness – my reality. This is my thank you, to you. Thank you for being there. Sometimes “being there” for me has literally meant telling me I’m being stupid, or an idiot. and I’ve appreciated that as well. But I’ve learned so very much from some of the people here, and it has changed and influenced me in beautiful and wonderful ways. I cannot even begin to express my appreciation. So, whether I’ve known you for years, months, weeks, etc – knowing you, and having the opportunity to read you, and get to know you on whatever level is a blessing, and an honor, and I look forward to it continuing.

I cannot even begin to accurately describe how I feel right now. I felt 2011 with a hope, and a firm belief that despite what happened, it was going to be a better year, full of growth, opportunity and light. So far, two months in, I feel better than I have in my entire life. I’m not really sure what caused the change in me, or if it was a combination of multiple things that all smashed together at once to create this…just exhuberance at life. But I can’t get away from it. I can’t stop smiling, can’t stop talking, can’t stop dreaming. It’s funny, really. I know how much I’ve changed, and instead of my typical self-doubt that this glow won’t last, I can’t honestly imagine it going away. I know that things happen, but as i’ve learned, Joy is the buffer that allows us to deal with the negative, and pulls us through until the positive returns. I’m staring at this wide open. I never lost my child-like innocence but I now feel like I’m free to use and explore it again. I just want to experience everything I can – I want to touch the texture of the world, and know what everything feels like. I feel like i’m awake, for the very first time – or like a dreamer who has just come out of a coma. Maybe, for the first time in memory, I’m actually alive – and learning to live.

Today is Thursday, which means it’s our 4th date tonight. I’m excited, honestly. There’s some kind of change in the air. I’m reminded of Bambi, and although I said, not too long ago that I’m not sure I’d even recognize this feeling – I think I’m kinda in the very VERY early, beginning stages of twitterpation. And, in the words of the immortal thumper – “he can call me flower if he wants to”. OH…speaking of which…Spike has bequeathed me with the most original, and by far the most hilarious pet name I have ever EVER had. So fitting too. I shall now be known as “heretic”. yep.

~dreamer