peace, reflection and new beginnings

I’ve learned lately that peace can come in many different forms. Peace can come in the form of a three hour dinner with friends, with an overly chatty waitress after a long wait, and rude table neighbors – laughter. humor. Sarcasm. Peace can come in the form of written speech from a far-away friend, full of smiles and warmth and words of comfort that reach across miles and distances that you wish mere words could breach. Sometimes peace means sitting alone in a quiet room with a cat for a blanket, a nose full of fur that smells like home and your favorite ever TV show on in the background to bring an occasional smile to your face, and a facebook status monologue of snarky. Sometimes peace means sitting alone in the dark and allowing yourself to feel – truly feel – everything that you’re feeling. For me, that includes acknowledging that I feel sad, disappointed and lonely. But the only way to find peace is to work though those negative emotions. And the only way to work through things is to allow yourself to feel them. It’s been 5 days since I’ve heard from the ex, and 6 days since I’ve spoken to her. Again. I’ve realized that, as long as we were in contact, I didn’t have to mourn her. I didn’t have to feel all the sadness, all of the pain of the loss of the relationship, because I was able to distract myself from the mourning and the letting go because I was either in defense mode, under constant attack or threat thereof or argument, or because I was in denial and under the delusion that if we were still talking, there was still hope. I need to accept the reality of the situation, and the hopelessness in it all. I’m accepting that it’s not really the ex that I miss, I miss the relationship – the good parts of it anyway. I miss the companionship, and the knowing that there was always someone there to be with you. That sense of security, even though it was false, was what I held onto for so long. Despite how bad it got, I believed it would always get better and I had no uncertainty – I thought I knew who I would be with forever, for the rest of my life, and I didn’t have to wonder. It was safe. Now, with her complete absence (at my request, as well as by her choice) I have no choice. No, that’s not true. I can continue to deny, diminish or mask my feelings, and never deal with them and therefore never move on – or I can accept them, acknowledge their existence and deal with it. It’s going to suck for awhile, I know. It’s not going to be pleasant or easy. But running from them will cause me more pain in the long run (and has proven to do so in the past) than just confronting them and dealing with the pain that I’m feeling now. So the sadness is pretty straightforward and clear cut. I know why I feel it, and it’s completely reasonable to feel that way. I lost a partner, a friend, and a relationship that I thought was going to last forever. But it will get better, someday.

The disappointment is a little more difficult to deal with for me because it’s not just in the past, but the present and it is ongoing and continuous. And it’s a lot harder to explain coherently because I still feel conflicted and confused and still cranky about it. And I shouldn’t be feeling this way, be feeling any of these things, but I am. The disappointment comes more from inaction than action, and the perspective of a lack of concern, or even notice, really. I’m disappointed that the ex hasn’t tried to contact me at all, and it seems like she’s just given up – even though I know it’s for the best. there’s just too much regret, and too much resentment and negativity for anything positive to come out of it for resolution. Too soon. And with J, it’s just that it seems like the farther I pull away, the less she even notices or cares that I’m gone. And that seems to sting more than anything.

It’s the second day of the new year, now. A new start. In my opinion, I think the second day is really the first day that really counts. The first day of the new year seems almost like a day-long recovery process, depending on the nature of the previous night’s festivities. New Year’s eve is the night to celebrate and bring on the new with open arms. New Year’s day is the day to recover and look back, and let go of the old. The second day of the new year is when you wake up with wide eyes and begin to see clearly. You begin to look at the present, and start on your plans for the future. I have not had a very good track record with New Year’s resolutions, but there are some very important goals for myself and my life that I can no longer afford to put on hold anymore. 2011 is a blank page full of change, full of hope, and full of promise – and I can put anything I want into it. I can fill it with anything, with everything. I have no plans, no prospects. All I truly want at this moment is to improve, to continually strive for getting better, and to accept happiness. It’s out there – peace, acceptance, forgiveness and it’s important that I find them – all of them – for myself. Before anyone, any anything else comes into the picture.

1) Learn to let go. Really, truly let go, for the very first time. That means accepting the blame for the things I am responsible for, but not the things that I’m not. That means accepting the guilt. Accepting the loss, and the mourning and the sadness – and know that the peace is coming, and it will come as I deal with my negative emotions. The last week of no contact has proven that although it’s ever bit as difficult as I’d imagined, and it hurts even more than that – I don’t need her. I am continuing to wake up every morning, continuing to get up and shower and breathe. The world hasn’t ended. I can’t say that with every day that passes it gets easier. I’m not there yet. But every day, I think of messaging her less, and I’ve been able to resist the sudden urge to, when it comes. I never moved on, when she broke up with me 7 years ago. I just lived the best I could, and then she came back. And I gave up everything to be with her. It is my choice, and I’m choosing to not let that repeat itself again. Not this time.

2) Continue going to my support group, and make it through all 12 steps this year, at least once. I want to continue to not only heal, but to learn to live. Learn to set my own boundaries, make my own decisions based on what I believe to be best for me. I won’t always make the right choices – and that’s okay too. Every choice, good or bad, is still a chance to learn, to grow. This year is all about growth for me, and all about opportunity. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to let this chance slip away like I’ve allowed so many others to. That’s the choice I’m making. I have all the tools I need, and the support to face the difficult and challenging things ahead. There’s nothing stopping me anymore – not even myself

3) Write more. This doesn’t just mean on OD, but my physical diary as well. I’m going to be learning a lot, and I’ve discovered that I learn lessons better when I write them down, so that I remember them. I don’t want to lose a moment of this process, and I don’t want to forget it. I want to be able to look back a year from now and see the progress I’ve made in this process I’m going through. I want to chronicle the different chapters and pages in my life as i’m living and writing my own present, and setting down a good foundation for a positive future.

4) Being alone doesn’t have to be lonely. I’ve had some moments in the last few days when no one’s been around, and instead of the loneliness or the pressure or the compulsion to message someone, I just felt the simplicity and the peace of the quiet. I’m learning to stand on my own, and the more I learn to do that, the more those feelings will come.

I’m ready, I’m armed and I’d say I can’t wait to get started – but I have a head start this year, and I’m damned sure ready to make the best of it. Lets go. Dreamer is ready to fly.