njm 6: disgruntled

I want to blame my continual bad mood on the three day migraine that is, for whatever reason, taking a brief respite temporarily, but I don’t think I can. I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe the stress of job searching finally caught up with me. Maybe the reality of the end of my 8 year job finally caught up with me. Maybe the downtime after the wedding crazy madness caught up with me, but I am decidedly out of sorts. It’s not just today, either. I was snappy on Monday both in the morning and in the evening. I left work early (what are they going to do about it, really?) yesterday and came home and took a three hour nap. It didn’t help. I snapped at Devon, she snapped back and it devolved into a battle in Publix while we attempted to do our first grocery shop in over a month. We’re fine now. I think we’re both just purely virgo in our approach to things. That means that we’re stubborn, we’re fairly minded and we both like to believe that we’re right – no matter what. It doesn’t combine well in our rare moments of conflict.

We don’t like fighting, and we’re not always out for conflict – unlike someone I used to date who seemed to revel in the constant head-butting over stupid shit. We only fight once in a blue moon, and when we do it feels incredibly strange and unpleasant. We’ve been butting heads more often, but I’m chalking all that up to the constant state of change and the added stress that has become a reality in our shared little life. Needless to say, I want to avoid it as much as possible.

I’ve been thinking about the ex lately, thinking about how she used me – how she uses everyone she’s with. Actually she uses everyone, regardless of what their relationship is. She used me for money, for support and for sympathy, then tossed me out when she found someone closer who would cave to her will without a fight. She owes me well over a thousand dollars that I’m never going to get back – and truth be told, I could really use it. She owes me an apology for her misguided “intuition” that led to our breakup because she was too arrogant, ignorant and stubborn to simply accept the fact that she was wrong. I want to not think about her anymore. The more I do, the more I despise her as a person and I’m starting to develop these tendencies that make me want to punch her in the face. It’s probable that she’s just the unintentional scapegoat of my current negativity, but I’m glad there are several states between us at the moment. If I ever see her face again, it will be too soon. I do have to admit, however, that a part of me really wants to send her a thank you card that says something to the effect of:

“thank you for being such a selfish, immature bitch who wanted nothing more than to get her own way regardless of the consequences. Because of it, I realize that I never want to be that kind of person who loves wallowing in misery because it gives me an excuse to take it out on others. Because of you, I made the effort to fix my shortcomings to ensure I would never again be the way I was with you. Because of you, I got a first-hand lesson of what love isn’t – and what I genuinely wanted to find. Because of you I found it. You leaving was the best thing you could have done for me, and because of it I don’t have to think of you anymore. Thank you for leaving, because I never would – and if I hadn’t I never would have met my WIFE. She’s half your size but easily twice the woman you’ll ever be and you could NEVER ever come close to her in any respect. You’ll never change, but you’ll constantly insist that you have, but it’s always the same old shit….and I’m immensely grateful that I’m not the one who has to put up with it anymore.”

Told you I was in a bad mood. Happy election day.

This work by JMcFarland is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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