lists, love and a life without fear

Things that currently annoy me:
1) a phone whose text messages are messing up. Again.
2) a new person who is giving me same-day vendor setups and feels compelled to do it 2-3 at a time, as soon as I finish with the previous batch, as opposed to all at once. This makes me feel rushed, all day long, and it is nearly impossible for me to get any work done. She makes it a point to hold onto them until I put the completed in the basket – then hands me more. I’m never really finished. I don’t like that feeling.
3) a co-worker (or people in general) who talk just to hear the sound of their own voice. It doesn’t help that every other word out of her mouth is “shit”, “fuck”, “bitch” or some stupid baby voice singing my boss’ name. I don’t think she’s capable of being quiet for more than 5 minutes at a time, and I certainly don’t think it’s possible for her to talk without cursing. Or muttering to herself. Oh – and the burping is wonderful too.
4) the need to raise your voice about 8 octaves whenever walking by in order to say “patty-cake” when “patty-cake” (Patrick) is never at his desk anyway. The only thing you’re accomplishing is to sound stupid, and to annoy me. K thanks.
5) the need for drivers to cut me off, especially when it’s super foggy, I can’t see five feet in front of my car, I’m distracted anyway because my insides are aching with having to leave, and I really don’t want to ram your ass, but if you keep putting it in front of me unexpectedly like that, it’s going to happen
6) Pumpkins – the great variety especially
 
Things that currently make me happy
1) I smell like her room. I don’t know exactly what her room smells like, but it makes me feel like I’m home. I can’t describe it, and it’s not a constant scent, but it catches me when I least expect it, and it never fails to make me smile
2) I slept well last night, which has been a challenge when spending the night at her house. But I curled around her like a blanket, she was warm, and I slept deep and nearly dreamlessly
3) The fog lifted and it is a bright, wonderful sunshiny day and I would really prefer to either still be in bed, or running around outside and enjoying it
4) It’s Thursday, which means it’s only one day away from Friday before it’s the weekend. I’m hoping this weekend lasts forever
5) There is a St. Patrick’s day potluck for lunch, which means I don’t have to pay for it, I can eat good old Irish food and be happy.
6) So far, I have gotten no service calls that require me to kill wasps. BTW, I need to go back to the doctor in order to get an Eppy pen. I have now been without one for years and years, and I’m thinking they’re a good thing to have when you may/may not be still allergic to flying, stinging things
7) Ostara – the equinox of spring, which I intend to celebrate by cuddling, talking and celebrating new life in any way we can imagine
 
            I’ve lived with fear for so long. It astounds me how long it’s been a part of my daily existence. And now that I’m without it – actually truly, honestly without it (random bouts of anxiety or nervousness aside) I’m finding I don’t miss it much. I’m not afraid of me, my past or my future. I ‘m not afraid or insecure about the person I’m with. I ‘m not hesitant about forever, or what’s to come. Last night we spent a lot of time just talking, curled around each other in some form or another in the almost-dark. We spoke of scary things, that didn’t manage to scare either one of us. We spoke of things that a lot of people don’t talk about. We talked about things that WE don’t usually talk about, at least we haven’t in the past. But I’m not afraid. There may be a move further north in my near future – leaving my downtown hide-away for a bigger place, closer to work. Perhaps it’s time for a change. There might be a move even bigger than that in the not-too-distant future. I’m finding that my will and enjoyment of living in Florida is being outshadowed by the horrifying reality of how backwards this state is on many issues that are starting to be very important to me. It’s a right to work state, which means you can be fired at any time for any reason. It’s a backwards, republican state when it comes to social issues – and the gay/lesbian issues specifically. Domestic Partnerships are not recognized, and adoption is not legal. I guess I’m starting to feel the pull of wanting to be somewhere more tolerant of where I think I’m going. Where I may be going. Where I want to be going.

 
           I read her the poem last night. It was her choice. Then sat there as she read the accompanying letter (very brief) at the bottom. And the hug at the end of all of that was worth the shaky nervousness that came along with reading something sacred out loud. I was nervous, not afraid. But the girl….god the girl. I’m at a loss really, not knowing what color the future will take, being blinded by the joy of simple starlight. Both of our eyes twinkle. Well, actually – mine twinkle and hers shine/sparkle. There is a difference, although I’ll be damned if I can put my finger on what, exactly it is. But there is. I feel closer to her now, than I have. It’s like this every time I see her. And literally, I have an ache in the pit of my stomach having to leave. It gets harder to leave. Although this is my first non-long distance relationship in quite awhile it almost seems harder in a way. Long Distance relationships were a cop-out for me. It was safer. I didn’t have to confront my fears or demons often because they were far removed. I could turn off the electricity, put my phone in another room and not think about it, if I wanted to disappear. It wasn’t the reality of a daily life with someone – it was the reality of my life that I sometimes shared with someone else. Visits were epic but short-lived, and the shine that lingered faded quickly when they were over. The girl and I are on a semi-regular schedule for now. I goover on Wednesday night, but sometimes Thursday – I spend the night at her house and we laugh silently over overheard conversations between her roommate and her roomate’s dog. We talk. We lay in the darkness and laugh at each other and dance around permanent subjects and dare each other to just be a little bit more open with the futurescape and dreams that accompany it. We study, intently. This morning, it was the patch of skin halfway between her belly button and her hip. It was a good spot. And early morning whining and attempted kidnapping of a completely willing victim was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Every Thursday morning, it gets harder and harder to leave. One of these weeks, we’re going to do this on a Thursday night, and both of us will take Friday off of work and we can do nothing all day but stay in bed, listen to music and just enjoy the time. I’ve decided. I don’t think she’d be too opposed. Then I go to her house early Saturday afternoon, for whatever event has been planned for the first half of the weekend (or whatever plans have been scrapped, even) and then we drive back to my downtown corner of the world for Saturday night and all day Sunday, before it’s a round trip, a quiet drive back home and a Sunday night of re-teaching myself to sleep in my own bed alone. We see each other, realistically 4 days a week, but the 4th doesn’t count – the brief waking time on Thursday mornings before I leave to go to work and leave her tangled up in the blankets behind me. So Three ¼ maybe. While I’m content with our arrangement, it’s not that I want more…but I do. I’ve never enjoyed waking up to someone’s hand on my stomach, or curled into my front warmly as much as I’ve enjoyed going to sleep with them. It’s a beautiful thing. There are so many lists I could write of “I have never” and at the end, it will all be ruined, because of her.
 
            I had a breakthrough today, that started last night. My real journal, the big black book of awesome has been a friend of mine for years. I started writing in it in 2003 and I’m coming close to it’s completion, which is no small source of anxiety for me. It’s like losing a friend. But. I’ve been fiercely protective of it. I don’t let it out of my sight, usually or keep it in a safe place. I made clear, in no uncertain terms to several people that if they ever read it, it would be a deal-breaker. It’s my most private thoughts, feeling, collections. It took me through 3 relationships from beginning to end, with the start of a 4th that I hope DOESN’T end. But part of the reason it was so sacred to me, I think, is because I was ashamed of it. I was ashamed of how I had been, things I had felt, circumstances that had led me there, that had all been bled out in those pages. I’m not ashamed any more. Also, circular reasoning – I didn’t want anyone in it to read it because it WAS me at my most honest, with everything – I have a right to feel how I feel, and to write about it in my own space, but I don’t want it to hurt anyone. So I kept it to myself, safe and quiet, knowing that no one would ever read it – and if they did, they couldn’t hurt me with it, because they’d already be gone. I had been talking to her about a certain list that’s in that book – a list I inherited from my sister of 102 things to look for in a soulmate. I went to the car, late last night to go get it and show it to her, only to find her near sleep, curled up on her side of the bed with a smile on her face. I crawled in next to her and held her and passed out. The book sat, unprotected and open in the middle of her floor all night. And I didn’t worry about it once. And this morning, as I was getting dressed, I found the correct page, laid it open on her lap, in her hands, and let her read it. She found it amusing and a little freaky. So many things in there that were written so long ago that are so true, today. But that’s not the point. She held it. In her hands. Without me hovering over her like an over-protective mother hen. She could have turned the pages but didn’t. I trusted her with it. And while it may seem trite and small – it wasn’t. Not at all. I was very impressed with myself
 
I texted her when I got to work, after filling my head with new music ( a new cd as an anniversary present with the best “wrapping paper” imaginable, but nevermind). I haven’t heard back from her yet – but that’s okay. I’m not worried. I can see, quite clearly, this is not only a different road, but a different land. And it’s not that I don’t want to go home…it’s that I’m at home. Sometimes you have to leave one world for another. And I did, without even thinking about it….and now that I’m here, I’m staying.