just somebody that I used to know

I’m still feeling slightly out of sorts. Truth be told, I’m a bit worried about myself – this feeling has been persistent for a month or so now, and I am no closer to finding a cause or a solution. Maybe Devon’s right, and I should talk to someone about it. I don’t know. I just feel more on edge than normal, and more irritable. More easily irritated. Things that are relatively small are annoying me more. I’m not as able to deal with minor annoyances as I think I used to be. I don’t know. Last night, Devon and I got in our second fight, although not as major or long-term as the first one. It was over her best friend, and being considerate, etc. I got annoyed because we were cuddling on the couch and watching tv when her phone rang. Of course it was Leighann, and I rolled my eyes. Devon answered the phone without moving, and then continued the conversation right next to me, so I couldn’t hear the tv anymore. So I had to pause the show, which left me laying there not doing anything while Leighann went on and on about her step sister’s wedding party, etc. I don’t know if what annoyed me was Devon’s inconsideration, or whether it was because I couldn’t hear the show I was invested in, or if it was because it was supposed to be our special romantic evening, but Devon was still feeling crappy, so that didn’t happen. By the time we got home, I was already disappointed, and out of sorts. I’m sure none of that helped, and probably all contributed. But I got frustrated just by Devon’s attempts to talk it out, and left to take a shower. She followed me. Things calmed down, once we each said our piece. But it was frustrating in general. I’m not sure what’s going on. I think about it, then get frustrated because I can’t think of what’s causing it. Nothing really has changed. Maybe it’s a lack of intimacy lately, or the added stress from wedding planning, or a sense of frustration about the wedding in general, or work stress, or all of the above.

Speaking of the wedding, I feel a bit out of sorts about that as well. Originally supposed to be a small, private ceremony with family and a few friends – low key and low maintenance. And every time I turn around, it just keeps getting bigger and bigger and more of a big deal and I don’t really feel like I have a say in it. I found out yesterday, for example, that Devon plans on having an Isle, and that she wants to walk down it. She doesn’t want to be “given away” or anything like that, but she wants to walk down an Isle. I had no idea. I thought we were going for very subdued and non-traditional. I talked to her about that yesterday, and she understands. She says she really doesn’t have all the answers, just has a lot of ideas in her head, but not formalized. But she wants us to both make the plans together. She did say that if we wanted to just forget about all of this and elope, we can. But I want her to have what she wants, and I want it to be special for her. To be honest, while I’m looking forward to being married to her, the wedding itself is kind of giving me the willies.

I found out the other day that some people’s patience is not up to par with being a good friend. Writing a diatribe about how stupid it was to hope for a return letter and how that’s the answer they were looking for, and now they need to move on, etc after only two weeks of waiting, while later on keeping the other person waiting in return for over a month is a little immature. Especially when they couldn’t bother to say anything to the person themselves, and instead hid behind an anonymous diary they haven’t touched in over a year. Childish. Dramatic. Who needs that? Not to mention, the wait would have been half as long if you had thought to mention that you were moving and given me your new address, instead of having my letter returned in the mail, and having to be sent out again. I don’t have the time for those kinds of games. I’ve learned with the ex, and in this situation as well that, despite your best efforts or intentions sometimes, it really is better to leave some of those people in the past where they belong. Friendships don’t always need to be carried forward into the present. Sometimes things just don’t work out. Sometimes they’re not meant to. Lesson learned. I don’t have the patience for drama queen bullshit. Not anymore.

That’s all.