Instinct, desire, thoughts and happiness

My head is running at the speed of light right now, and it’s a very very good thing. Not spinning or windy, just full of thoughts. On the heels of last night, I had hopes that this would happen, and that it wouldn’t trigger a panic or downward spiral, and I was right. I’ve been having a whirlwind of conversations with a bunch of different people – at one time I was having a text war conversation with 3 people from group, along with my best friend. I’ve come to several different conclusions.

1)I have been rushing towards, and been fixated on the future. In a way, I’ve gone too far in the opposite direction of my norm. In the past, I was fixated on the past due to mistrust, double standards, doubt of myself and others. So I was unable to embrace the present or even really hope for the future because I was still mired in the past and everything that I was thinking or feeling about circumstances that had already taken place. Now that I’ve been in recovery, now that I’m in an adult and equal relationship, now that I’m finally in a place where I understand the positive reasons for wanting a future with someone, wanting to do it for the right reasons, wanting to share my life with someone in that way, despite the risk – I went too far to the other side, and found embracing the present difficult because I could see the future. Like Spike said last night, it’s difficult to reconcile in your mind when you see this bright and shining future on the horizon and it’s right there, but you just can’t reach it yet, although you know its coming. To clarify some of my thoughts from last night, which were horribly disconnected and random, even for me: what feels dishonest or disingenuous about the situation is not that we’re not being honest with each other. We are. And I think she even said last night “as long as we keep being honest and real with each other, and as long as we keep loving each other like we are, there’s no reason that future wouldn’t happen”. What feels disingenuous is that we both want identical things. We both see it happening, have talked to others about it, have been encouraged in it, and nudged in that direction, but we’re waiting for it, still. Waiting is not bad, not in any sense. But it can be frustrating to feel like you have to wait, when you see it happening. But as we’ve discussed before, waiting also establishes a balance and a solid foundation to build the future on. While we’re definitely heading in the right direction, and we’re both solid, we still have more foundation building to do in the sense of time, of still getting to know each other better, of opening up and sharing more. Of being comfortable with each other. And although one of my fears in waiting for the “opportune moment” is that I will miss it entirely (come on, Pirates of the Caribbean reference), there is one very important thing I have to remember in this, and this is a throwback reference to my CODA beginnings – it’s about control for me. And, in an equal partnership and a mutual, adult relationship which I am now experiencing for probably the first time – it’s not only up to me. The future, if there is one, is about us. I don’t have to will the future to happen, because we both want it. I don’t have to control or manipulate events to turn them out the way I want them to be. Sometimes they surprise you and come to you. And what would be so wrong about that? Nothing. Nothing at all. I had an awakening in this, this morning. And that is a beautiful, wonderful thing. This will, however, mean that I have to get rid of something I had…or rather something I chose and was going to have. Not for sometime in the very near future, but I wanted it there, just in case. It’s okay. I can live with that.

2) Also, in talking to the 3 members of group that I am undeniably the closest to, we’re thinking of splintering off our second group that happens right after the first one, the step group because it has gotten too big for too intense of issues, and starting our own, little group instead. While we have to get the consensus of the people involved, I have a lot of hope in this working out. And I feel like the four of us together could really, really GET somewhere. I made a commitment to myself that I wanted to get through all 12 steps in 1 year. And I believe that is very possible. But the second group isn’t exactly what I had imagined it was going to be. It started off being that way, but things have changed. New people have been added, that I have not established that level of trust with yet, and that makes it slightly uncomfortable for me to open up as much as I have grown used to. And with these 3 people, they ARE my family. Hell, one of them is my mirror. She called me out last night, saying I had been avoiding her, and while I denied it at first, I think she was right. I had been, subconsciously at least. Because to hear her truths, and her writings and thoughts hit too close to home for me. Looking at her, is like looking at a reflection of myself in 6-12 months. She is where I want to be, and so it’s difficult to see where I am now, and where she was, and the path I’m going to have to travel to get where I want to be. But I can do it. And we talked for a long time last night about that, about our similarities. Some people you meet, and you just get the sense that you’re going to be good, close friends for a long time – possibly a lifetime, and she’s like that. We have our faith in common – mutual pagans that are currently solitary in our practicing. We’ve discussed getting together to start a pagan thing. She lives less than 4 blocks away from me. Just seems like things are coming together to establish a close friendship with her, my mirror – my conscious in a way…it’s nice. And I’m finding that in developing deeper relationships with people from group – they get me on a level that most other people are unable to see. We share intimacies in those meetings, pasts that we’d rather forget. Things we don’t discuss normally with others. And that means you get to know each other on much deeper levels than most friendships are able to attain. I like becoming close to these people. I like being able to share myself, who I really am with them, knowing that they understand and they don’t judge me. That’s good to have, my little family. I’m proud of that, and I’m grateful that I have the chance to have that, for however long it lasts.

3) the philosophical question of the day which has been floating around in various conversations with various people is “what is the difference between instinct/intuition and a desire/want/need, and how do you tell the difference?” It’s a deep question for relatively early in the morning. But I’ve gotten a variety of answers that all carry a few similarities. Intuition/instinct is usually something we need. It’s not a conscious decision, and it does not require the word “I”. It is that gut feeling that tells us to drive a different way to work in the morning, only to find out there was a horrible accident along the route you usually take, right when you would have normally been there. It is that inner voice that tells you “move” “go” “do”. While a desire or want or need requires an “I” statement. I want, I need…I feel. It is a conscious thought, one that we hear and think about. A wolf may not want to kill a deer, but its instinct is to do it, in order to eat and survive. As a recovering codependent, I grew up having a hard time listening to/trusting my instincts. I weighed the value of what I felt or wanted as less important to the thoughts and feelings of others. As a result of a lifetime of that pattern, I’m finding it difficult to recognize and listen to myself in certain situations. It’s not impossible. I just have to retrain myself to hear myself – and listen to myself, which requires trusting myself. I’m getting there. Part of that will also be learning to tell the difference between what I want and what I need – what I desire, and what my instincts are driving me to do. And following through on it. If I need or want something, it is my responsibility to share that with others, otherwise they will not be able to give me what I need or want from them. Instincts require much less discussion. It is an action, not a thought.

Yeah, so my head is going nuts right now. But I’m enjoying the wave, and riding every moment of it. I’m doing good. I made a decision, laying awake late last night to let go and see what comes of it. Stop trying to bring the future to me. Stop trying to hold on to what I want so much, and see what comes of it. And I’m excited to see. I had a fear, briefly…a throw back from old patterns and behaviors, but it wasn’t valid. I’m not afraid in this, and I trust where I need to trust – I trust myself. I trust the people I have surrounded myself with – my chosen family and friends. I trust the girl, my equal partner (although she hates the word partner and fails to see our relationship as a business arrangement, and I agree). I have a slowly steadying foundation for myself, for my relationship and for my life. And while I can’t wait to see where it’s going….the view from here and the feelings that surround it are beautiful in and of themselves, and they’re worth experiencing fully. Just be happy. Just breathe, exist and enjoy it, while trusting in the reality of what is coming, whenever that is. I’m ready.