I’m on my way to believing

I feel kinda blah today. I’m not really sure why, or if there’s even a reason why. Just one of those days I guess. The crap with the ex upset me, more than it should have. I don’t like being accused of things, I don’t like being told I wasn’t worth it. No one likes to hear those things especially when they’re untrue. That might be part of it. I’m doing my best to not let it get to me or affect me. Sometimes it works more than others. I know in my head that she’s not worth it, and that nothing she says is true or important or valid to me. But I despise it still. I don’t even really care that she’s done a complete 180 about wanting to be “friends” and be a part of my life, once I’m done with the break I wanted. I know I’m better off without her around. She just sounds so venomous and so pathetic. So why let it affect me at all?

I’m still in a bit of pain from yesterday. I suppose that happens when you have multiple shots in your mouth and a ton of dental work done, fixing nearly all of your upper teeth. If I wont the lottery, I think the first thing I would do would be to have all of my remaining teeth removed and get implants. I think it would be more cost effective in the long run to go with that. I don’t imagine I’ll be winning the lottery any time soon though.

I don’t have any plans for tonight. I’ll probably just relax, get myself something to eat on the way home and sit and watch more Buffy, or a movie or something. I expect it will be a rather quiet night for me. I was warned in advance by Spike that she apologizes for any drunk dialing tonight, I guess she’s hanging with some friends or something. We’ve talked either verbally or through text every day for almost two weeks now. And last night she said she kinda misses me, even though we both just met. We agreed though that it’s strange, that it doesn’t feel like we just met. Feels different somehow. I’m doing my best to not project my past relationships or my past fears and insecurities onto anything we might have in the future, but it’s not always easy. I’ve had 3 years of an unhealthy relationship under my belt, in which I was actively involved and participating in negative patterns, and things like that aren’t always easy to stop. I still get insecure. I don’t let it show, and I don’t let myself get driven crazy by it. In a conversation on the phone with J last night, we were talking about it and I expressed some of my fears to her. And she said the best thing I can do for now, is to live FOR NOW, and not worry about what’s coming in the future, or what might be. When I’m with Spike, just enjoy it. Be happy. Don’t put undue pressure on myself, and certainly not on her. And while Spike and I were out on Sunday, she said something meaningful that I took to heart. She was telling her mother that she had a date, and her mother said to be careful not to project things onto the other person – and it goes both ways. Don’t project your idea of them onto them and make them into something “perfect” that they’re not, only to disappoint you. It’s easy to build someone up in your head through the phone or texts into something they’re not really – your imagination and your mind fills in the blanks when you don’t know someone face to face, and doing that is dangerous. But conversely, don’t project your negative past experiences or past relationships onto someone new. They aren’t the ones that hurt you, or messed with you, or acted crazy, or anything else. It’s a completely different person in a completely different set of circumstances, and you can make it into whatever you both want it to be. I think I dig her mother, honestly. I can’t imagine how many times I needed to hear those exact same words. I’ve heard bits and pieces of them from several friends, but not all at once, laid out like that. It was important, and both directions are very fitting for me to remember.

I’m looking forward to seeing her on Sunday, showing her my part of town, where I live, introducing her to the cats, etc. I don’t really have a plan for what movies we’ll watch, or anything else, just kind of going to go with the flow. If I don’t own any movies she’s interested in seeing (doubtful, since our tastes so far have been remarkably similar and I own a lot of good movies) we can always go to blockbuster, or the kiosk that’s at the grocery store a block away. I think the plan is that I’m cooking for her – and I’m pretty sure we decided on taco salad, but I’ll reconfirm before then to make sure I have everything I need. I’m stopping at Target on the way home to look for a new shirt and some new work pants. Now that I have two pairs of jeans that fit, I need something to wear to work. One piece at a time, right?

I’ve been happy all week, until today. Not just due to Spike, or possibilities or anything, just genuinely happy. I’m not unhappy now, just not as giddy as I was earlier this morning. Moods change, and while I believe its important, especially for me, to recognize and acknowledge my feelings, I’m not sure I always have to know where they came from. I just need to chill and roll with the feelings that aren’t as great, let them happen, acknowledge them and find a way out of them. Its definitely not an easy task for me, but not impossible. Nothing is impossible anymore. Absolutely nothing. I can go anywhere, do anything, be anything that I want to be and the only thing that is standing in my way is me. I should get out of my way already