glimpsing imperfection

It comes as no surprise to me that I’m not perfect. Far from it. And despite the repeated assurances from my girlfriend that I am the perfect girlfriend, or perfect partner, etc – I fail. I let myself down. I let her down. Well, I perceive that I let her down – she has never once told me I have. The weekend was rough, for both of us, I think. I had a 3 day long migraine that came and went with no sort of regularity, and she was having a 3 day long anxiety attack with the approaching school year. Bad sense memory of school, ever since on Thursday she had a moment when she felt she couldn’t breathe, couldn’t catch her breath. So although she was nervous on Friday, nothing happened – but she was super anxious about going back today. Today is the first day of school, the first day she switches from her class to VPK, lots of new responsibilities and changes to face. And, I’m almost ashamed to say that I didn’t handle her anxiety well. She told me that she doesn’t expect me to handle it well all the time, since she’s dealt with her anxiety all of her life, and I’ve only dealt with it for 7 months or so. But I feel like I messed up. Let her down. I wasn’t strong enough, and it really upset me. She questioned me, although later she said that it was her projecting her fears onto me – but she asked me if this, meaning her anxiety, was something I could handle – like I’d given her an indication that I’d leave her. And I never would. Not for this. I can’t lie and say that this is easy for me to handle. It sucks seeing someone you love struggling, and nervous and anxious and upset, and not be able to do anything to actually help them. I don’t feel that I was supportive as I could have been. I was upset myself – frustrated at myself.

I feel like an asshole, and a selfish person for still wanting things from her when she’s suffering with anxiety. I still want my sweet, attentive girlfriend, especially when I’m not feeling well like I was this weekend. But when she’s anxious, it takes over everything – the whole weekend, really. It was all she talked about, for the most part, and I know it was always on her mind. And it made me feel like a jerk to want her to be the girl she normally is. I know that she doesn’t choose to be this way, that she hates it, that she doesn’t like that she goes through this. It’s not her fault. It’s not my fault either. And I realize when you’re anxious it tends to take over your whole world. I realize that wanting things doesn’t make me a bad person. Acting in a bad way, treating her badly, abandoning her when she needs me, or yelling at her for not doing what I want would make me a bad person, or a bad support. And I didn’t do any of those things.

There was a point last night when I really wanted to talk, to tell her how I felt, and why I felt that way, but by that time she was already falling asleep. She says I’m not a jerk, nor am I selfish, and she understands exactly how I feel, and that she won’t give up on me as long as I don’t give up on her. That as time passes, and we go through these ups and downs of her anxiety together that it will be easier for both of us to deal with, and it won’t affect me so much. I hope that’s true. In all of this, the thing I know for certain is that I’m committed and in this for the long haul. She’s not perfect, and anxiety is just a part of who she is. I’m not perfect either, but I’m still growing. I have room for growth. I’m extremely fortunate that she’s patient with me, and give me the chance to grow with her.

The important thing is to realize that, even though she’s anxious, she still wants to be around me. In some ways I do feel like she’s pushing me away, but I don’t think that’s a conscious decision on her part, nor does it have anything in particular to do with me. I think she cocoons inside herself when she gets like this as a way of trying to cope with all the stress. But normally, when she’s anxious she wants to be alone, and just handle it – but she didn’t want me to go. She didn’t want me to take her to her other apartment. She didn’t want to be alone – she still wanted to be with me. That has to say something, doesn’t it?

I’m hoping that this, like all her other anxiety episodes will pass. She always gets through them, and they come and go in waves. I’m going to weather this storm with her. I love her – for better or for worse – just like she loves me. And in the good and the bad, we’ll get stronger. I’ll get stronger, and more understanding. I definitely have room to grow, and I will tackle those – like everything else. Head on. Just needed to get it all out, write it all down and focus my attention on it to get it out in the open to help me wrap my head around it. One day, one moment, one step at a time.

As she told me on Friday – the only thing she’s not anxious about is us. Me. Our relationship. I make her feel safe, I make her feel better. The only thing she gets anxious about in our relationship was moments on Sunday when I was upset because she was upset, and it made us both shaky. I can work on that. It’s frustrating to not be able to do anything to help, except just hold her and exist and tell her things will be okay. But I can do those things, and I can certainly do them better than I did for the end of the weekend. I feel bad for that, and told her I would make it up to her, and I will try. What more assurance do I need than that? She has given me everything, and all I can do is try to match that with everything I have. Take the good with the bad and run with it.

In completely unrelated news – I might get a hurricane for my birthday. Yippeee