frustration, apathy and a moment of quiet

Today, I’m frustrated – on edge. I feel like I’m about to bite the hand of the next person that reaches out to touch me like a rabid dog, and I’m not sure exactly why. I woke up feeling this way, which I’m contributing in part to a less than pleasant dream I had in which I was rejected for something that took up a lot of guts to do in the first place with little to no explanation, and watching my life as I know it currently fall to shit around my feet. It was very realistic. I think that’s what set me on edge in the first place, but it’s spiraled from there, and has (to be honest) been building over time.

The crux of the matter is I’m possibly taking a victim mentality, which isn’t good, but I feel very taken for granted, unappreciated and dumped on in many of my friendships. I just had the 4th conversation with my mirror in two weeks in which she didn’t even ask how I was, didn’t ask if it was a good time to talk, didn’t ask anything about me at all – just answered the phone and immediately started crying and complaining about work, how she didn’t know what to do, how she was overwhelmed, etc. To be fair, she’s helped me out of a lot of my own stuff, I value her opinions and advice, etc, and I’ve leaned on her in the past. But how do you have a whole conversation with someone without even asking how they are? I was visibly frustrated. I didn’t really have the time to talk, since I didn’t really take a lunch because I’ve been busy at work, but she called me twice when I couldn’t answer, then texted me to ask me if I could call her – so I left my desk to stand outside for a quick minute to call her and see what was going on. Then she abruptly had to go because apparently there was background noise on my side of the call was hurting her ears. Background noise that I couldn’t even hear. Go figure. And the way she said it was just so abrupt, and almost rude that its like she was blaming me for standing in a nearly silent hallway at work for her ears hurting, and I felt compelled almost immediately to apologize for it – even amid the frustration. I kind of feel like I’ve become a dumping ground for people to complain to, people to get nasty with, people who then turn around and want or expect me to help. And anything that is going on in my life is of less importance, simply because for the bulk of my life for the first time, I’m actually happy. That doesn’t mean I’m not going through anything – it doesn’t mean I’m not having a hard time with anything, it doesn’t mean that I can’t have an off day or be frustrated, or want to just spend some time in the quiet. What I need to do is to learn to take a deep breath and say no. Set boundaries. I’m getting better at that part, but it is especially hard for me to set boundaries with people from group – we depend on each other, and I’ve leaned on them during difficult moments, or in times when I don’t know how to deal with things, so I feel it is my responsibility to be there for them. I don’t know. All I know is that I want this feeling of frustration and overwhelming anger really to pass. I don’t like it, and it’s physically making me feel sick. I care about my friends – all of them…but I do not have to be at their beck and call all the time, I don’t have to put up with bad behavior, I don’t have to put up with lots of things. And that doesn’t make me a bad friend, I don’t think. It makes me human.

It just seems like, while my life is going rather well, a lot of other people’s…isn’t. It’s not my fault that it’s not going well for them, and I do genuinely want to be a supportive friend. But I almost feel at times like I should feel guilty that I’m having such a good time of it, that this year for me has been pretty much perfect and amazing – full of good things, amidst minor hiccups. I feel around some people that I have to mute my joy because they’re having a rough time. That doesn’t seem fair to me. I know I’m putting a lot of that pressure on myself, and were I to tell those people how I feel, they’d look at me like I was stupid and insist that’s not what they want me to do. But at the same time, and I’ve been told this before by more than one person, I can’t be sympathetic to their pain because I’m just…too happy. I wasn’t always happy. I know what it’s like. Is it wrong for me to want to surround myself right now with happy people that can go a few days without complaining about something, or dumping all their problems all over me? That sounds really harsh, I know…and everyone has problems. I have problems, even though I’m happy. I like talking about those problems with others because it helps, but that’s not all I ever talk about. I don’t only call people when something’s wrong. I don’t think I make my problems more important than anything anyone else is feeling. The more I think about it, the more angry I get. I have been holding onto resentments lately – and some of the people I resent aren’t even really deserving of that. That’s on me – it’s totally my fault, and I need to work on letting that go. I really do. I don’t want to be resentful. As my big sis said in group last week, resentments are nothing more than unfulfilled expectations. But I get so angry….so bitter…and then I feel guilty for feeling those things, and get depressed. I’ve lived with anger my whole life – it was easier to be angry than to deal with sadness or loss or loneliness or abuse….so anger was my go-to response. I’ve gotten a lot better. But when something like this triggers just an avalanche of negative feelings, it’s hard to work through that for me. And then I feel guilty for feeling this way in the first place. I believe I have a genuine, valid reason to be upset. Maybe not to this degree, except its been building up to this for awhile. It’s about learning to channel those feelings constructively, and not let them ruin my day.

Do you ever feel like your life, according to other people is supposed to have a script? Like you’re supposed to have a way you’re supposed to respond, or others expect you to have all the answers, and you don’t? There’s no one off stage left to recite your lines to you under their breath so the audience doesn’t hear them? Lately, it also feels like whichever way I turn, I’m disappointing someone somehow…like my true, valid feelings are a charade to a greater scheme of things. If I’m asked to do something, and I say no, I’m met with “why?” instead of “oh, okay”. If I don’t react a certain way, I’m asked what’s wrong with me. If I seem frustrated or on edge (when people actually take the time to notice) it doesn’t seem to matter, except I’m not behaving the way I’m “supposed to”. Guess what, I don’t have all my shit together all the time. Sometimes I don’t know what to do or say. Sometimes I don’t have my lines all memorized. I didn’t even realize there was a script. But it does make me feel like I’m under a tremendous amount of pressure, all the time. Perhaps that contributes to the overwhelming frustration at the moment. I feel, fundamentally that I’ve lost my reserve of patience. It’s depleted. Used up. And there have not been enough moments between one crisis to another, between one person or another with problems, between one favor too many and the next for it to refill. I need a breather. I need a soft couch, and a good movie, and a warm blanket. I need a reset. I’m sure, after that, I’d feel better – at leastfor awhile.

*pause for deep breath*

The girl called me on her lunch break, which is rare – I told her the kind of day I was having, and she called just to talk to me, discuss dinner. She’s tricky – getting me to calm down in roundabout ways. I’m incredibly lucky, and I realize it. She says I get a nice foot massage tonight to make it all better, even though she doesn’t have to. Sounds like she’s coming home early(er) tonight, we can sort out something for dinner, go to the gym together to work out our frustrations. Then spend the rest of the evening relaxing. Sounds like a plan to me. I’ll take one of those and see how I feel in the morning. And, as she was getting off the phone to go back to work “I love you…I appreciate everything you are and everything that you do for me, and I will never take you for granted”. And she doesn’t. Ever. That’s something to be thankful for.

Just one more thing, though…I hate the fact that one of my co-workers burps, farts and curses, complains about everything and has a genuine bad attitude 90% of the day, every day out loud, and laughs about it – and no one finds this inappropriate or puts a stop to it. So much for a professional environment. I think I despise people who talk out loud just for the sole purpose of hearing themselves speak. It irritates the crap out of me.