Free Falling

Yesterday was definitely a Monday, in the truest sense of the word. At lunch, when I ran to Publix to get some food, my tire blew out. Fortunately, there were no other cars around at the time and I was only going 10 mph. I lost control of the car, spun out and did a 360 in the little side road, but only hit the curb. It could have been so much worse. And although I had a mini panic attack when I lost control of the vehicle, I had a huge one when I started realizing that I was okay, but how much worse it could have been. Just a few hours prior, I was driving Devon home, going 80mph in the dark, on the interstate – and had the tire blown out then and I lost control, it would have been bad. Really bad. I ended up leaving work early, because of the tire, and because I was still sick. Went and got my tire replaced, got an oil change and headed home.

Even though I wasn’t feeling wonderful, I decided to go ahead and tackle the closets, which I had been dreading ever since I realized I was moving. And I’m happy to say they are 90% done. All of my packing is 90% done, actually. I’m impressed with myself, and happy. Now, all I have left to do is wait.

I’m not looking forward to next week for several reasons, mainly because it’s going to be chaotic. I get my keys on the first, the big moving day is on the 4th (at least if anyone shows up, cause I really cannot do it myself) and in the middle of all this, Devon is going to be gone. And I’m paranoid about it. Not my typical paranoia, that she’ll magically realize she doesn’t want/love me in the 5 days that she’s gone, but just that it will suck. She’s leaving Wed night and staying in a hotel, then driving to Miami, and I think their cruise leaves on Thursday or Friday. They’ll be back Monday morning. It should be no big deal to not talk to her for a few days – but ever since we met, we’ve talked every day. It will be a big change, a big adjustment, and it will come in the middle of probably the most chaotic week of my year. Granted, the timing is my fault – I’m the one that scheduled the big move that weekend, in the hopes that by keeping busy, it will be easier for me to handle. And I have lots of hope that will be the case. But at night, in the dark, when I’m in a new and unfamiliar apartment just chilling, unpacking and trying to put my life in order, I will miss her. I will miss her terribly. It will be the first weekend we haven’t spent together in a few months. And she will be out of the country, not just busy. I can talk to her on Wed, and for some of Thursday, and Monday when their ship docks, and I understand and accept that. But those few days of no contact in the midst of chaos are going to be a challenge for me. Part of me feels like if I can make it through this, without going into panic mode, without doubting myself or all the things I’ve learned to trust are true, I can make it through anything.

We talked about the move again last night, she had been speaking to her mother about the great life smash, and her mom is thrilled for her, and for us – but reminded her that it is important that we each have our own space, and was concerned how possible that would be in a one bedroom apartment. Devon told her that it was bigger than the place I’m in now. And we discussed how we are when we’re stressed. We’re similar, but in opposite situations. If she has a really bad day and is upset, she wants to be left alone to decompress – doesn’t want to be touched, just needs to chill on her own. And I think since we’re discussing it now, and I know what to expect, and know to respect those boundaries, it will be easier for me to do, because I’m the opposite. If I’m upset, I want to be held and talk it out and just be around someone I’m close to – unless it’s a frustrated upset, when I’m REALLY frustrated – then I want my own space, I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to be babied. I want to decompress. So we agreed that if/when those days happen, we’ll just be up front and honest and say “babe, I love you, but I really need to decompress…I’ll talk to you in a little bit” and the other person will know what’s up that way, and there will be no hurt feelings or resentment that way. I’m kind of shocked at the maturity and the respect and the levels of trust in our relationship. It’s impressive to me, and foreign. But I agree it’s the best course of action.

Monday, June 6 should be an amazing night, even for a Monday. Devon has sworn that, no matter how tired she is, she is coming over to the new place as soon as they get back from driving back from Miami to see it and spend the night there with me. I have my reservations as to whether or not that is likely – I know how exhausted she’s going to be. But I am hopeful, and I trust her. If not, I suppose the first time she’ll see it will be the following Wed. It’s strange to me that she hasn’t even seen the place she’s going to be living with me in yet. Then again, I’ve only seen it once. I think that’s part of the problem I’m having with figuring out where all my furniture and stuff is going to go – I don’t have a very clear mental picture of the place yet. I’m going to go over after I get my keys to drop off my newly acquired bookshelf and vacuum cleaner and take my time, wandering around to get a feel for the place. It isn’t very big, granted. Bigger than where I am now. And I think there’s room enough for two people to be comfortable. The kitchen is it’s own room, and not just a wall of the living room. There is a bedroom, separated from the living room by the kitchen/dining room. The bathroom is down its own hall. So when we need our own space, there is room for that to happen. Not to mention, I can always leave and go swimming, go work out, wander around the complex, take a walk, etc. I’m not really that worried about it. It was a good point of her mother to bring up, that neither of us had really considered. But I’m glad it came up now, and not after it was already too late, and something had happened.

I think its normal, on the verge of a big move like this – a big leap of faith to feel a bit of nervousness. Your head plays the “what if” game a little bit, whether you want it to or not. However, I’m happy for the distinction between nervousness and worry – I’m not worried. As we’ve both said multiple times, this is simply the start of something beautiful…it’s going to be amazing, and it will work out – we can handle just about anything, because we have that level of openness together. But, in the interim, before knowing what it’s going to be like, the wondering comes in. Despite all of that, I have no hesitation, or doubt or bad feelings – I feel hopeful, honestly. I can’t imagine it not going well – and as she reminded me so much more eloquently on Sunday night – trust the relationship. And trust us. And I trust her, on top of that. So we’re good. What else is there? This IS different. And that’s what means it’s going to work.

Group meeting tonight – although there is some hesitation there. Really, if I’m going to be quite honest, I don’t want to go. For one of the first times I can remember. I got a text this morning from Paul, stating that he and Danielle wouldn’t be making the meeting tonight because something came up. Turns out that he won tickets to see a show tonight, and he and Danielle are going. This concerns me. I know Danielle has acrush on him, because she’s talked to me about it several times. And this seems like a date. And if the two of them start dating, how will that affect our step group dynamic? There’s only four of us as it is (this is the second meeting, immediately following the first) How will this affect our closeness? Not to mention, the last time I spoke with Danielle, she told me, her own decision was that he was off limits, because she didn’t want to start something with anyone in the middle of the steps like this, and because we all WERE so close. Now they’re going on a date. And when I was talking to her last night, she didn’t say a word about it. Paul spoke for both of them this morning, to both me and Catherine. We didn’t have a step meeting last week either – 3 of us went out to a late dinner, but Danielle skipped out to watch the Hockey game on tv. We haven’t actually had a step meeting since I did my fifth step, officially, two weeks ago. And that sucks. Especially since Catherine was supposed to do her fifth step tonight, and next week she’s going to be out of town on a business trip. I am concerned because we all made a commitment to each other, and it feels like that has kind of fallen apart. I’m also concerned because it seems like we’ve broken up our group even further because Catherine and I are mirrors, and we’re very alike and we understand each other surprisingly and creepily well – and it’s the two of us, and then the two of them. When we split off of the bigger step group anyway, Paul and Danielle left the ROOM, and left Catherine and I to fend for ourselves in the shark tank. I realize that the best course of action is just to be open with all of them about how this makes me feel, the fact that I’m disappointed and worried about our group. They all are like a family to me and I don’t want anything to happen to that. So because of all that, I feel like I don’t even want to go – but I’m going. I have to. And after all the work I did last night at the house, there’s really not that much for me to do there anyway – sit and stare at a pile of boxes and wait for the next day to arrive.

*edit* I just got a text from Catherine that because of the other two cancelling and we’re probably just going to meet tomorrow instead, she feels like an emotional basket case and is just going to stay home tonight. So I’ll be at the big group all by myself, because I’ve convinced myself that I need to be there (and I do). It still sucks though – that the three other people I’m the closest to won’t be there. It kind of hurts. And I kind of feel alone. Oh well.