For the First Time in a Long Time…

…my brain feels a bit at peace.  It’s odd, having fought being put back on meds for so long.  It’s the stigma, I think.  If you admit that you need help, that you may need medicine to start feeling ‘normal’ again or up to par, it could make you appear weak, unable to handle it, unable to pull yourself up and take care of it on your own.  Unfortunately, mental illness isn’t like that.  Brain chemistry is not something that you can will yourself to fix.  Yes, there are things you can do that help – exercise, meditation, relaxation – but those don’t solve the underlying problem.

I went to a psychiatrist on the urging of my therapist last week to get another medicine added for OCD.  My OCD is a less common version that doesn’t occur in physical rituals as much as it does in mental spirals – I’ll start thinking about something and get pulled down the rabbit hole of what if scenarios so quickly that I don’t even realize it’s happening until it’s too late and I’m stuck.  Those spirals can last for days before I start to feel better again.  So now I’m on the anti-depressant combined with an SSRI specifically for the OCD, and in just over a week I can already tell the difference.  Things that would normally send me down the rabbit hole are just rolling off my back.  I’m less anxious about school even though I have much more work to do.  I just have this inner feeling of calm.  The meds combined with regular exercise and our diet is definitely making a real, noticeable difference.  I wish I hadn’t fought it so long.

Devon’s brother is staying with us for a little while – he went through a divorce last year and is kind of exploring the country a little bit, working on his art and figuring out what he wants to do with his life going forward.  The snark is strong in him, which automatically makes me like him even more, and so far the situation seems to be working out for everyone.  I was a little hesitant before he got here – I knew him and I liked him, but it’s different to have someone else inside your personal space, your safe haven that you call home.  But it’s working out, and it’s been a joy to have him here.