Flash Forward, strange occurences and play

Do you ever remember something that hasn’t happened yet? Taken a moment to have this whole thing play out in your head, only to realize that it’s never happened? A flash forward? Future thought? Maybe that’s what daydreams are, but these days they’re so real, I can feel the texture of the air as we’re standing there. I can see the gleam in your eyes, the flash of understanding that occurs instants before I stutter through what I’m trying to say. The issues surrounding the question are mine alone. Logistically speaking, I don’t know where, when, how, why…all I know is that it’s happening. It’s strange, the only thing I can see clearly in these moments is you. Your face, down to the smirk on your mouth, down to the lines in your hands, down to the way they feel in mine. I can see the clothes you’re wearing, I can see that we’re sitting down, but everything around it is blurred, like an out of focus snapshot. Maybe it’s because the surroundings are unimportant and in that one moment, the only thing that exists in the world is me and you. Or maybe I’m thinking about it too hard, trying to find a perfect time, a perfect place, a perfect weather – the thing that makes it perfect is that you’re there with me, and nothing else seems to matter. My head is swirling around future clouds, feeling future raindrops and experiencing life as we know it, while my body is centered around the now, the knowledge that you will be there nightly when I get home, the weight of your leg resting across my knee where it landed in the middle of the night, the feel of your heated skin on mine, the feel of your breath in my ear, the noises you make in your sleep. This is what I know. And life as I know it is wonderful.

I had an interesting, yet strange experience yesterday that I’m still not even sure how to explain. Its like my brain ran off and took a vacation with no prior warning, and I was someone else for awhile – not someone else as in possessed, but just…not me. It started when the best friend and I were debating – we were talking about justice, mob mentality, religion, violence – the things we’re known for discussing in spades. I had a point, something to do with the fact that most world conflicts throughout history have been done in the name of religion, how all disagreements, for whatever reason are all based on ideas that turn into justifications for bad behavior, persecutions and conflict…and then, all of a sudden – my train of thought, and my point were gone. Just gone. This does not happen to me. I do not get trounced in debates, I usually debate circles around other people, playing devil’s advocate better than I should be able to, and can run in circles around other people’s brains. For one of the first times I can remember it was done to me. I couldn’t think clearly – about anything. I couldn’t remember what I was doing at work. I couldn’t remember what I had to pick up at the grocery store. I couldn’t remember where the grocery store was. I couldn’t decide what to make for dinner and when I settled on a main course, I couldn’t figure out what side dish to make. I couldn’t find my pants. I couldn’t remember the gym access code. I couldn’t remember to take chicken out of the freezer – it took me half an hour to finally do it. I can’t remember the last time I have felt so completely scattered. But instead of letting it induce me into a panic attack, I kind of looked at it clinically – just kept saying “well this is interesting”. Gave my best friend a laugh riot while I was on the phone with her looking for my pants. And not remembering to do anything I was supposed to do. I have amusement value, at the very least. I think the feeling has pretty much passed – I was back to normal last night in time for wrestling – real wresting, not a euphemism for something dirty – we wrestled over snacks upon returning home, since I over-worked myself at the gym. We wrestled over who was going to change the buffy dvd. We wrestled over cleaning the kitchen, and played keep away with the ice cream carton and the desert gnome. It was fun. And no one was seriously injured in our quest for amusement, which is always a positive sign. I guess the lesson from this is that the old saying goes, you can’t relate to someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes – try walking for an afternoon in their brain. I really still want to know where mine took a vacation to and why I was not invited to come along. Funny, that.

At work, my co-workers are laughing at me because I refer to Devon as “the girl”. She is the girl. As in THE girl – one and only….for now, and always. Laura has started saying “her name is DEVON, Julie, it’s not that hard to remember”. But the truth is, no matter if I call her by name (and her name is imprinted on my memory like it was carved in stone, even on my off days, it replays over and over again, hearing her voice in my head like a tidal wave, carrying me away and making me happy) or Spike, as I used to call her here, for various reasons, the girl, or any other inclination….she’s who she is…who she was…who she’ll always be. And I love it. Personally, I find “the girl” fitting, somehow. It works. And she is.