enjoying every moment *edit for a funny*
Take it as it comes.
” if we are irritated by every rub, how will you be polished?” Rumi
I feel like my brain is still floating out in the ether somewhere, not present – not here, physically. My thoughts are scattered, my emotions are a little ragged, and it’s not for any cause, any problem I can see – it just is. I’ve been focusing on trying to figure out why, but maybe the important thing is not to question why, simply accept the feelings for what they are, and process them as normal, and move on. It’s not like there’s something wrong, except for minor work stress. I think, as I think I expressed yesterday, that I’m experiencing a period of adjustment, to the new house in general, to almost living with someone, to a lot of new changes in my work environment, a lot of new changes in my commute, etc. A lot has changed in the last month, some good, some more difficult. Doesn’t make it bad, in any way. It makes it different. And it’s important to recognize those feelings for what they are, and try to work through and move past them, rather than questioning the reasons they exist. But I’ve always been a questioner – always wanted to know the root, to sort through the rubble to find the one stone that sent the whole thing toppling in the first place. Sometimes that’s not either possible or profitable to do. Sometimes acceptance is the answer. I don’t have to fake a good mood all the time, I don’t have to constantly hold myself in check in order to make myself seem normal to others. I’m just me – and sometimes, like is the case with every human being, I have these moments where things seem a bit off kilter without a discernible reason. Is it possible, I wonder to have a fear, not of a thing itself, but in the faith required to believe in it? What do you have to lose by having faith in something? Depends on what that something is. Sometimes there’s quite a lot to lose – sometimes it seems like everything. But I maintain that in some instances, I would rather be completely surprised than run the risk of not believing. I think that way is better for me in the long run, rather than worrying about an unlikely set of events just because they present themselves in the dark recesses of my mind as a limited possibility.
Incidentally – is it just me, or does this happen to anyone else? If you go into the restroom and it stinks, then someone comes in after you – do you feel compelled to try to explain it wasn’t you that did it? I think it’s just me. But it makes me uncomfortable, to say the least. It’s why I try to use the restrooms in public, and at work especially as little as possible. I have issues with that going back to childhood. Unfortunately though it’s not always something you’re able to control. Enough about that.
I’m learning, slowly but surely, the value in enjoying every moment that comes, despite how small or seemingly insignificant, without worrying about outcomes. It’s difficult for me to do, for sure – I’ve been a future dreamer, a future planner, and focusing on the right now brings into sharp relief that which has been attained or passed, and that which I’m still reaching for. and sometimes I don’t like to focus on that. But I’ve come so far, both emotionally and physically in the last year. My birthday is approaching slowly, and starting right about now every year has been a time of reflection for me. When I reflect on where I was a year ago right now, compared to where I am now, I blow myself away sometimes. I’m proud. I’m innately proud at what I’ve accomplished, while still also paying attention to the road ahead (see, I’m doing it again, focusing on the future rather than taking a moment to wallow in the pride of all that I’ve done…but I’ve always been one to diminish my own accomplishments). I’m going to be 33…it seems like a magical number to me, potential crucifixion aside. I have faith that the next year will be full of wonderful things, even more accomplishments…we’ve got a couple things in the works that, if brought to fruition will be beyond my wildest imaginations. I hope (there’s that word again) that they do…I believe that they will. and while some planning for the future is important in any situation, it’s also very important to recognize the now. I’ve dreamed of this moment for a long while, and it’s been a long time coming…so many of my dreams have come true. I need to recognize that and take some moments to be happy that they have, instead of wondering what else is around the corner. I don’t want to look back on this time, years from now and say “that’s when my dreams started to become reality, and I didn’t take the time to pay attention to that feeling, to hold onto it, to cherish it and accept everything that it meant to me”. I don’t want to regret not taking the time to enjoy it. But that’s never been my strong suit. I’m working on it. I’ve also been taking the time to pay attention to my recovery. I’ve been wondering if it will always be a challenge to step out of 31 years of thinking to change my thought patterns and my behavior in a positive way, or if it will ever just become second nature. If I’ll see myself as fully healthy, what I perceive to be “normal” at some point in time, without taking it the opposite direction and basing my “normal” on other people or circumstances in my life. It’s something that’s been rolling around in my head for awhile now, but in my new place, I’ve had a lot of time to ruminate on it. what I think is that the quote above has special significance to me right now…that I”m going through a polishing phase, of things I cannot control. I’ve done my part. I’m still doing my part and taking responsibility for my thoughts and actions – but sometimes we need a little fine tuning that is not something we always have a say or a hand in. Sometimes it happens around us, or to us. and we have to take those lessons for what they are and use them as an opportunity to grow – or miss the chance, and have to repeat it later on down the road.
Another thought I’ve been pondering is the difference between self-care and selfish – and who decides what’s over that very thin line? Ironic that the girl has been thinking the same thing lately, in different circumstance. Mine was brought on by a question from the mirror over the past few days and a situation going on with her family. My opinion still stands that when someone is not used to you setting any boundaries at all, or not caring for yourself before others that any step you make in that direction can/will be seen as selfish – because it’s simply something that they’re unaccustomed to. I’m not sure that’s a fair distinction to make in a situation where you’re personally affected. But it’s another issue of rolling with the punches, and taking life and the people in it for what it is…accepting others and their boundaries and limitations, and to not see yourself as the victim of them for their desire to care for themselves. I think if I let that lesson sink in, because that’s a role I’ve seen myself in previously, it would do wonders for me, especially on the disappointment front.
Was also told last night something that struck home as well – that jealousy is often triggered by someone’s own feelings of inadequacy. At the time, we were talking about my past a bit and some of the situations I had found myself in and my own feelings. In my current relationship jealousy is more of a joke…not based on anything but teasing. But it’s a fine line as well – teasing and authentic emotion. sometimes it’s possible to take it too far. I know for me personally, I have to watch that line. But I’m getting a little better and a little stronger, every day.
tonight is anniversary celebration of sorts – I’m making homemade spaghetti and meatballs, I think, at least that’s what I have the ingredients for. Not sure what else is on the agenda, if anything. It’s been a long week already for both of us, so maybe just relaxing and enjoying each others company with good food and laughter is in order. Despite what happens, though, I plan on enjoying every moment of it. This weekend, I have dinner with Devon’s best friend’s mother (the four of us, at least) after the dance recital, then wide open plans, as in nothing that I know of that we have to do except relax, spend some time together and enjoy it. Next weekend, blistering heat and humidity and all is St Pete Pride, which I’m actually kind of looking forward to attending with my stbw and my mirror. From there, who knows? Roll with it. Enjoy it. And if I start to wonder “what next?” Remind myself to pay attention to what’s now…and know that the future is coming, whether I worry about it or not – and sometimes it’s a good thing to be taken by surprise.
And also….
Her: “i think I adjust quickly”
Me ” well hopefully you can adjust to living here with no problems”
Her: ” baby, I think I already have…. It feels strange to be anywhere else”
*edit*
funny moment of the day (which did, genuinely, crack me up)
first of all, to set it up – When I was at lunch, Judith, one of my co-workers who is a little old black lady came down to the gazebo and sat next to me to smoke – she used me as a shield from the breeze to light her cigarette. When she was done, she said “don’t worry Julie, I ain’t gettin fresh with you” to which I responded
“yeah right…youre always hitting on me, miss judith”
later on, sitting in the office, Judith and Laura were talking.
Laura: I missed you so much while I was out, Judith
Judith: you have no idea how much I missed you when you were out
me: get a room, you two
(everybody cracks up)
me: Judith was outside hitting on me earlier, now she’s trying to hit on Laura, what’s next, Judith?
Judith: oh no she didn’t! Tell Devon she’s got some competetion out here
me: oh, you got nothin on her. My stbw can take your ass
Patrick: sugar tot baby waife?
Me: Patrick, still – no.
the department is STILL laughing.
that served to brighten my mood a bit, actually.