Druid-speak: Time to say goodbye
For the last several weeks, I have been conversing with a mentor of mine about life, love, possibilities. Markus has been a part of my world for a very long time. I went through a rebeliious phase the last couple years of high school. I knew something was wrong, something was different about me, and being raised in a strict and controlling religious environment made me want to lash out against anything structured or with any kind of belief system. I went down the wrong roads, got mixed up with the wrong people, and went the opposite direction from the way i was raised and what I was taught to believe. Markus, in a way, saved me from myself – and the path I was on. I got mixed up with bad people, who practiced dark magic and seeing things happen right in front of my eyes was intoxicating, but dangerous. He showed me another way. I officially joined the Grove in ’95 as an initiate. I grew at a rapid pace, seeming to have a natural curiosity and capability for learning that never ceased to surprise him. He became my mentor, then. He was the leader. The grove hierarchy was strange, uncommon I think to other druid gatherings – there was Markus, then under him were the Keepers, one for each element of magic. It was a powerful responsibility. I became the Keeper for Earth magic at 18, in our little circle. At it’s height, I think we were 150 strong. Now, we’re down to 50, and a keeper of Earth magic who’s been missing, physically (when I left California for Florida) for most of the time I’ve had the title. I haven’t stepped foot in California since I left, in ’99.
We communicate in circles. And i understand how difficult it must sometimes be to accomplish things that must be done, with people missing. And now, Markus is leaving for Europe in a couple months, and has grown weary of his responsibility. Markus was the peace keeper, as well as the leader. And today, I made a decision that I had been avoiding for awhile now. As of Friday, I’ll be on my own. They’ll always be my friends, yes, but without a leader, or one of the keepers (maybe two because the one I was closest to out of all of them is considering a move herself) I’m not sure what will happen to the rest.
Of all the things that Markus has told me as of late, concerning my relationship, my future, my life, my growth, my accomplishments and achievements, today will stick with me dearly. He told me that he thought that, in a way, the grove was one last crutch for me – one thing from my past that I could hang onto and know, unconditionally, that it was always there if I fell. But – I didn’t need it anymore. It was the last thing that was both my reliable footing, as well as what was holding me back. He told me that he believes I can stand on my own, now. And he’s right. I know I can. I’m not sad, or upset or even angry. It came down to my decision. Markus made the grove real to me – made magic real to me, and I can’t imagine continuing on without him there. I’m not even there. He enters and leaves my life at strange intervals, showing up when I least expect it, but exactly when I need him to. We’ve been close over the past few months. But in a way I feel like he’s my father in the world, and he’s pushing me out of the nest. He knows I have all the tools and capabilities inside myself, now, for the first time to truly be able to fly. And like any good parent, he’s giving me his gentle, yet insistent nudge.
he told me today: " little, silly dreamer. Sometimes, most of the time, when it’s real, you just know. Hold on, Jules – you’re gonna go for the ride of your life. Now wake up and realize your reality is the stuff that dreams are made of. Go get ‘er. What, in the world, are you waiting for? A sign? How many signs do you need? everything in your life has come together for you. You’ve seen blessing after blessing, time after time – the whole WORLD is a sign that you’re doing what you need to be doing. So stop hesitating, however you are – grab it by the horns and get out there and do it." He was speaking of Spike, in this instance, but it applies to so much more.
As for Spike, he has a message: "to the stormcloud, Devon… in case my travels take me away from here – although you have not asked, you have my blessings multiplied. Take care of her, and the sun will shine for you"
Officially, the seperation of me from the grove happens on Friday night. I’m preparing myself now. but instead of sadness, or a sense of loss I feel pride, overwhelming joy and determination that no matter where I go, no matter what I’m a part of, I am not defined by what I do, where I am, who I’m with, or circumstances around me. I define myself. I am willing, able and more than capable of standing on my own, now. I may trip up sometimes, or fall, but – that’s what learning to walk is. Walking comes after standing. And i think I’ve already tested out my legs for running – not away, but rather running into the unknowing greatness of the future. No matter what happens, no matter what comes, I’m ready. I’ve often said it’s time to fly. Not anymore. I’m already flying.
Markus, friend and father…thank you for not only sheltering me when I needed something, anything safe, but loving me enough to set me free to be what I’m becoming. Words cannot express how grateful I am for your existence, everything you’ve taught me and everything you are. We’ve watched each other grow, really. And I couldn’t be more proud that you’re a part of my family. I know you’ll be around. So will I. I will look forward to the river, shall i? Metaphorical or real…I know where I’m supposed to be, I’m not hesitating – I’m going, promise.
“May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, May god/ess hold you in the hollow of his/her hand.”