diver

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I’ve always been a diver – from river, infused with stones, pebble bright and shining to powerful ocean waves; I’ve never been one to step one toe in to test the water.  I dive.  I jump in and submerge myself in the waters, lose myself in the current, swim with and against the ebb and flow, the rhythm.  Perhaps this is not as cautious as should be.  Perhaps this was an exercise in futility – at least past events left me breathless and wet, cold against the cool breezes that blew me one way to another.  One stream to the next.  Never full.  Never satisfied.  Always thirsting for a different body of water.

The drought, the doubt has ended.  It ended on a fateful, chilly day in January, months and months ago, which feels like years and years.  We sat in several places, talking like old acquaintances, like old friends – like new lovers.  I dove into you fully, the water lapping at the bridge under my feet as we sat and watched the beginning of the night after the sinking of the sun into the water.  I jumped, crawled, pull myself into the pools of your eyes, dreaming of the possibility of going deeper.  Flailing around your bloodstream, infecting you the way that the curiosity of you had infected me.  You were not my only happiness, nor will you ever be – but you are the pillar on which it is based.  You cement me to the foundation of the real and we’re building our temple daily – stone upon stone, rock upon rock.  Even when your tides rise high, I swim in your wake – not drown in it.  You don’t shake this.  You don’t shake me.  We tremble in the uncertainty of moments together, pulling together for strength, for occasional assurance, for questions whose answers are already well known.

I want you to know – I don’t swim in you to lose my sense of self, but to find it.  In every atom, every molecule, every blood cell in you, I find myself more sure, more certain – more grounded.  You’ve ingested the knowledge of me, and of us and swallowed it whole – not to take away my independence or individuality, but to celebrate it.  I live in the grace of this revelation daily – and cannot wait for a moment, not too far from now where, in the quiet, we will dive into the real of each other with no hesitation to find only that limitations are a thing of the past – a different life from here.  A far-reaching country that can no longer touch us.  Truth is, I barely remember.  More honestly – I no longer care.

It’s you and me, babe – you and me till the wheels fall off.