conflict and compromise
I feel shitty today. Not only is work a bear and overwhelming, not only are several of my friends going through some difficulties and I feel semi-stuck in the middle of two canyons, but this morning did not really get off to a great start.
One of Devon’s friends is being fired on Friday officially (we’ve known this was coming for about a month) and Devon got a text last night that her friend wants her and Leighann to come over for Friday night to spend time with her and cheer her up. Normally, a night apart wouldn’t be an idea that thrills me to death – I can count the number of nights we’ve spent apart since moving in together on one hand – but there are a couple extinuating circumstances with this one that I can think of that make my opinion on it a little darker.
1) Two weeks ago, Devon went out with these same two people for a “girl’s night out” in which she was only going to have one or two drinks because it’s all she could afford and be home by 11:30. Well – it didn’t really happen that way. She got so drunk that she got lost trying to give the cabbie directions to get to our apartment, ended up going the wrong way, and therefore didn’t come home AT ALL, and spen the night at Leighann’s house, coming in our bedroom door around 9 the next morning. THAT didn’t thrill me. Its not that I don’t trust her – I know that nothing would ever happen, but I do get concerned for her safety when she’s with two other drunk girls, and she’s so gone she doesn’t remember where she lives. Bad things didn’t happen – but they could have. And there was absolutely nothing I could do about it, because by the time I woke up and realized she wasn’t there, to a barrage of missed calls and text messages – her phone had died, and I couldn’t get ahold of her to go get her. So, no – I’m not thrilled with her repeating the experience less than a month later. Lately, she’s been talking a lot about finding the balance between our relationshp and maintaining her other friendships, and I understand that. But she’s gone to “girls’ night out” 4 times in the last 4 weeks and I don’t exactly feel the balance.
I do have to step in here and say that last weekend we DID have an amazing time, with just the two of us – celebrating our year anniversary weekend with Dinner, Drinks, and the rest of the time holed up in our apartment by ourselves. Maybe it’s not as unbalanced as I percieve it to be, but it’s hard to be objective when you have to deal with personal feelings and opinions on the matter
2) The second reason for not being thrilled about it is the fact that on Saturday evening we’re having a party at our house to which BOTH OF THESE PEOPLE ARE GOING. And if she gets really drunk on Friday night while she’s away then a) there’s a chance she’ll feel like shit on Saturday, despite the fact we have prior plans, and won’t have a good time or drink at all – and the party is CALLED Tequila game night, for cripes sake and b) these people will be at the party as well, and there’s no reason they can’t do whatever they were going to do on Friday night on Saturday when we’re all already going to be together. That means she will have spent 2/3 of the weekend with Leighann, overnight for possibly two nights in a row if she crashes at our house after the party.
3) The third reason, and perhaps the biggest problem I have with it is Devon doesn’t even want to go on Friday night. She feels bad. For someone like me who has been working on recovering from codependency for over a year now, and is finally just now able to use the skills and tools I learned in recovery to take my first steps on my own, this is the epitome of what I learned not to do. Not wanting to do something but doing it any way just because you feel bad or guilty isn’t too valid of a reason for doing it. It seems silly to me, especially given all the other factors I’ve already mentioned.
I know I need to let go more, and that Devon’s relationships with her friends are equally as important to maintain. Honestly, perhaps the reason that I’m bothered so much by it is because I’m not invited. I never seem to be invited anymore – only rarely, and only (it seems) when Leighann’s husband is invited as well. We used to do all sorts of things with her friends all the time, and it seems that has reduced and they only want to spend time with her now. I’m okay with her spending time away from me, honestly we probably could both use more of it. But I do get lonely, knowing i really don’t have a lot of people I could go do things with aside from her. I have some, but most are just as busy all the time as I am – and the truth of the matter is, even when I do have down time, I’d rather be spending time with her – even with other people. I feel better about the world when she’s around – she compliments me perfectly. We both do. And the frustrating thing is that she feels the exact same way – she’s told me so multiple times when we’ve had other discussions similar to this one. She says I’m the most important relationship in her life, that I am her top priority and I honestly genuinely do believe her. Maybe the problem is I just don’t quite FEEL that all the time. And what I feel is more my concern than hers.
I guess, for all of our communication and conversations that we’ve had, I’m not quite sure how to say all this to her. I know I CAN, just having difficulty expressing myself with this one. I know we’ll talk about it, and that everything will all be fine – it always is. She says that if I don’t want her to go, she won’t – but I won’t tell her that. I don’t own her, and she could do whatever she wants – but I also feel that the reasons I listed are valid reasons to not go, but it’s her decision to make, not mine. I won’t be upset if she decides to do it anyway, but I do want to be honest about what I think and feel, also. I’m not sure that “finding the balance” includes a “girls night out of the house” every other week. It seems a bit much. Maybe not. Maybe I feel that way, because I never have them. Or maybe I feel that way because I’m a girl, but I’m excluded because i’m Devon’s partner and I’m not girlie enough. I want her to do what’s right for her, not out of guilt, but because it’s what she wants to do. I don’t know what to do or say, and I’d really just like to get my head on straight and start thinking clearly before I have to discuss this like an adult person. I’ve been thinking about it all day – I just haven’t come up with any answers.
Mainly I want this shit-tastic day to go away…and I really would like to start drinking NOW for the party on Saturday. I’m done.