chasing phantoms, exorcism and introductions *e*
The sun had set, distant and cold on the horizon, and the full moon was rising by the time the demons came. By the time the tears fell like raindrops and left a puddle on an old shirt, curled up on the couch with the willing companions of radical honesty, hope and openness. there is something to said for sharing fear, like it was a joint breath between us, like I inhaled a piece of you that night, and you in turn breathed it in.
Want to know what the difference is? That we can talk about fears, and instead of shoving them down in the subconscious where they’ve made a previous home, we let them out in the open. Let the shadows fall where they may and dance in the dark corners. We both were terrified tonight that we were marking a potential self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. But we also made breakthroughs. We watched Buffy together and uncovered inner moments of clarity. We survived 3 months and 2 days, and it wasn’t about just surviving it, but thriving in it. It was about baring our naked souls, while our bodies still shook under blankets. It was uncovering the past and realizing that while, at the time, it left us shaken and fearful, once it was out in the open, drinking our wine and eating cookies, cooling on the stove, that it wasn’t as foreboding as it had seemed at the time, while it was still a gremlin resolved to reside within. Today was about a different type of intimacy that hit late, like a warning sign and illuminated the external darkness with a bit of inner shadow. Today was about us. And I cried then, sharing my inner thought, my inner fear that came unbidden, uninvited – unwanted. And all I can hear now is the sound of your voice as you held and rocked me there, just "no"…
our promises are not about different realities but about respect in the now. And I know, whatever the future holds, that I will be okay. We have not yet made the forever impossibilities a verbal truth – but we have our own contracts, sealed in tears, in other things.
In this, i’m realizing that I’m not simply trusting blindly, waiting for the inevitable moment where the sand will be swept from out beneath my feet, leaving me drowning in the surf and absent the comfort of your arms I have grown used to. Firstly, we’re building our ground on much firmer substances. Truth. Reality. Honesty. It’s a much more lasting substance. The fact that I can tell you these things, and you can share yours speaks volumes of the nature of our still beginning stages construction. My trust is not placed on you solely. I hold the other end of this rope, and we’re both holding on. This is the point, where I’d typically tend to start wondering – start questioning…start doubting myself and my ability to keep you. But I don’t have you chained to me…you’re free as ever, free to stay – free to go…you’re choosing to stay. And for as long as that lasts (and we’ve heard prophecies of these things, no?) I would never seek to hold you, should you wish to fly. I don’t chain your heart, to keep you a mostly-willing captive. The fact that you’re staying, regardless…that we’ve given our word to discuss the reality of the fear, speaks volumes for the truth of this.
That’s what makes me trust you – because you’ve given me no reason to doubt your word, and you’ve said this is different. Different from anything else. And it is for me as well. And that’s what matters, mostly – the only thing that carries more weight is the love behind the words, the feeling behind the statements and declarations. The knowing that this is real. This is the line where reality begins, and fear is overcome by it. The reality that the intuition, despite the fear says to hold on….stay steady…and that this is exactly right. Normal. And that good, wonderful things are just over the rise of this wave. And the promise that it’s worth it.
You’re not my life preserver, and you’re not saving me. You’re encouraging me to swim, we’re keeping each other steady in a somewhat turbulent tide. And that’s what keeps me believing. AS she reminded me, earlier this week: “The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there.”- Leslie P. Hartley
Because of all this, I’ve finally learned the value of a lesson I’ve needed – to embrace the present for all it is…for all it may be. to hope for, and plan for a future, yes – but not to take any moment for granted…to enjoy all of it, because you never know what may come. And i’ve also learned the true meaning behind "come what may" and I mean it…with every bit of my growing, maturing heart.
So now, because I am full of faith, now more than ever…and because I am sure…
Let me introduce to you…Devon…my little spike. My girlfriend, my cohort, my confidant, my friend…and I hope a big part of my future.
