Brief Thunder
I think my new meds for depression make my head feel fuzzy. Or maybe that side effect only presents itself when I’m overtired or over stressed – like I am today. Yesterday wasn’t that great of an evening for me. The day went okay. The night not so much.
I got home from work at the normal time and Devon and I started doing our workout as normal. The workout part actually went great – it was glutes day, and aside from my butt hurting today, everything went according to plan. It was after the workout that things started to kind of fall apart. Devon agreed to go into the bedroom with Ashe while I stayed in the living room with Weasley because it was easier for me to study out there (I’m currently doing a research project on Hiroshima and Nagasaki for school). After the workout, however, she plopped down on the couch – not just sitting, but laying down. Weasley had also started to cry from her room, and it’s a grating, horrible sound. Weasley never really got a “big cat” voice, she just sounds like a kitten who cries when she knows it’s time she usually gets out of her room.
I gave it a couple minutes, then asked Devon if she was going. She said yes, but she wanted to rest for a few minutes and take a shower. I volunteered to go instead, but she insisted it was only for a few minutes. After ten minutes, I just got up, gathered my things and went into the bedroom myself and let Weasley out. It was a tiny, minor thing – but both of us were clearly annoyed. I went back out a few minutes later to get the rest of my papers and she was still laying on the couch, saying she didn’t feel the need to hurry since I had already gone. It rubbed me the wrong way, since she knew it was easier for me to study in the living room than it is in the bedroom. It just struck me as inconsiderate. When she came into the bedroom after her shower, I tried to talk to her about it, but she pretty much blew it off.
As I wrote yesterday, I’m a person plagued by peaking and waning insecurity and depression, and yesterday was one of the peak days for me. This situation didn’t help. For the rest of the evening up until after we had gone to bed, it felt strange in our house, like something wasn’t quite right. That feeling is one of the worst feelings for me, and it made it difficult to sleep.
Things seem to be starting to get back to normal now. We rarely fight, but when we do it is usually about something pretty stupid. We make up pretty quickly, and things get back to normal. But with everything going on, it sometimes just hits me harder than others. Hopefully by the time I get home, the house will feel better, we can do our routine and I can start readjusting my brain to normal. I am supposed to double my meds dose tomorrow – I’m probably going to wait to Saturday in case the fuzzy-head feeling gets worse, so I’m not stuck at work feeling strange. So far, it doesn’t seem to be making a lot of difference in my depression or anxiety, but I know it takes awhile to build up in your system. I just hope it starts working and I can normalize my moods and my thoughts again soon. It’s the whole reason I wanted to get back onto the meds in the first place.