big, scary thoughts…

and revelations.

You know, I opened this page, ready to write and say some things that I’ve wanted to say for a long time.  And I’m chickening out.  It’s funny that, I’m not afraid, but the humor in this that we dance around these all the time.  We even joke about this dance we’re in – we smile at the irony and make it from one moment to the next.  Some important things happened this weekend.  No scary moments.  Lots of vulnerability.  We had our first political debate that began about capital punnishment and ended up about fiscal conservatism, liberal socialism and capitalism.  We talked each other in circles, sometimes our voices raising and echoing off the balcony railing, but not once did I feel like I was under personal attack, not once did I think you weren’t listening to me, and only biding your time until you could make your next point, and not once did it turn into an argument.  I like debating with you, your circular logic and your way you dance around me in circles – and it’s hard to focus when I still have the feel of your lips near my ear, and your eyes, although alight with the fire of personal beliefs and convictions are still sparkling and a glowing, emerald green – and I know what you’re thinking about.  It isn’t the argument.

We experimented with Sharpies, you drew your name around my finger like it belonged there – it does.  “it’s just a placeholder, for now.”  you said.  I believed you.  I can still see the remnants of it even now, 48 hours and several baths/showers later.  I thought sharpies were supposed to be permanent, much like other things that aren’t supposed to wash away with a bit of water or a stormcloud breaking on the horizon.  We took a picture of our hands together that night, complete with post-movie glow, conversations and cuddling over lingering discussions.
 

We spent the morning in bed with pauses for breakfast and reptile wrangling, sharing stories, pointing out statements of the obvious, laughing.  You questioned me, at my insistence on the way home – a long drive that I wanted to continue driving, dreading the moment where we’d reach our destination, despite our knowing that it’s never really goodbye.  we wrote promises together – not scary, unknowable promises but real ones, built on honesty and respect…based on the way we treat each other both in the quiet moments, and in other moments of clarity.  And as we sat there, your eyes sparkled with happy tears as I told you my willingness to explore the world of options now open.  You told me that everything you thought you wanted, or didn’t want was slowly changing.  You told me much, in the silence as well as when you spoke.

I opened my mouth with a big scary thought, thought the better of it, and changed it, then added a kinda to soften the blow.  You called my bluff immediately.

“not kinda.  You are it.  No question.  Done”.

you’re good at calling me on my crap, when you see it.  it’s one of the things I value most.  and honestly, I can’t imagine it any other way.  You said a lot more after that, and while I don’t recall the exact words, I recall the sentiment.  That’s what matters.  The truth was, while I heard every word, it was more of a feeling than a conscious digestion of the words themselves.  They’re right, you know.  Sometimes, you just know.

and I do.

And do you know what you said to me, amongst many others that stopped me dead in my mental tracks and sent me spinning? I’ll never forget the fading light on your face, the smell of the grass, or the curl in your hair at that moment. You said “do you know how I know I’m not going to run? Because I feel like I can tell you anything. I can be open and honest and real with you. And when you can talk about your fears, openly, they are suddenly reduced. So I don’t need to be afraid and there will be no need to run – you only run when you don’t feel comfortable enough to talk to your partner about what’s going on”.

Yeah. Never going to forget that. For as long as I live. Ever.

and that’s enough before I say much more that can be….wonderous.

Now…. Fact or fiction? Dare ya. 🙂