and the reality is…soc *edit*

That, while I’m still falling (and I hope I never stop), I’m in love. Being/Falling in love is different to me than loving someone. Falling in love/being in love is a feeling. It’s a heady, intense, feel like you swallowed a balloon full of helium feeling. Loving someone while, yes, is based on a feeling – is also an action. Loving someone is a commitment to them to stick around, even when sometimes the weightless feeling isn’t as strong, or can fade. To acknowledge to myself, and another person (although I don’t think I actually SAID it, until today…on Saturday night, I think I found a way to phrase it as “falling for you”, to which she responded with “falling in love”) that I am…allowing myself (although the control of this is hardly mine) to do this, and that I’m allowing myself to do it completely with no reservations, hesitations or lingering doubt, is one of the most liberating things I could have done – right up there with my program, my support group and the 12 steps.

In doing this, I am not diminishing or extinguishing the past. It happened. I did a lot of things I’m not proud of, I said a lot of things I didn’t mean. I’m not saying this, right now, is the end-all be all of everything, but I acknowledge that it could be. Maybe. My past is my past. I’m not proud of it, but I’m not going to beat myself up about it anymore, I’m not going to second-guess myself because of it, and I’m not going to keep myself from feeling something because I’m afraid. I’m not afraid anymore. This is vulnerability at its most frightening, however – saying something to someone in a moment when it is true, and real and honest and open, knowing that they can’t see it or respond to it for a time, but still leaving it out there. And I feel…I can’t describe how I feel.

When Spike and I talked last night, we spoke of vulnerability and we spoke of setting yourself up for failure – by wanting the best, but preparing yourself for the worst – believing that if something sounds too good to be true, it typically proves you right. Not this time. I’ve mentally doomed most of my past relationships – even some of my past friendships because of an over-riding sense of doubt, wondering when the axe was going to fall. And I don’t have that now. I’m not looking for an escape hatch, or wondering when she’s going to find one. I’m not imagining all the things that could possibly go wrong. The difference in this is twofold – 1) me. I’m different. I learned an appreciation and a growing sense of self-worth and pride in not only the person I’m becoming, but the person that I am. I believe I’m worthy of love and of happiness, and I’m willing to accept it. I’m able to acknowledge that I’m a good person, with traits/flaws that I’m actively taking part in making better. 2) The person that I’m attracted to – or rather, the type of person I’m attracted to is a direct opposite of what I’ve normally ended up with. I no longer have to feel needed in order to feel genuinely loved. And although Spike and I are still in the very beginning stages of this something wonderful, and we’re still learning about each other (honestly, I hope that part never stops) and still growing together, our foundation is based on honesty, vulnerability, openness and respect. I respect the independent and confident person she is, I respect her humor, her opinions and her individuality. It doesn’t threaten me, it enthralls me. And I can’t get enough of it, honestly. We’ve had some pretty intense discussions, centering around my growth process as well as our pasts, and where we’re headed. I think we understand each other. And there’s an openness there that for me has been previously lacking. That’s the difference, really. I’m not letting her in to a certain degree, then slamming the door shut to prevent her from getting any further. I trust her, because (despite my ghosts from the past) she has given me absolutely no reason not to. I think she’s a good person who is deserving of it, and every time I have extended trust or vulnerability with her, she has been more than willing to reciprocate and prove by her actions, not just her words that she is trustworthy. This is important. This is not blind faith, and placing limitless trust in the beginning of something that you don’t know the outcome of. This is taking things one step at a time, and discovering that trust is like building a building – you start with the foundation, and work your way up – not the other way around.

The reality is that I’m open, and out there and still falling with every bit as much faith in myself as I have faith in her, and a shared, mutual faith in us. It is, by every definition, an equal partnership, where we are both responsible for 50% of it – we are responsible for ourselves, and not the thoughts and feelings of the other person. I know areas in which I still need to grow, and so does she, and we’re growing and becoming stronger individuals at the same time we’re growing into this relationship, one step at a time. We joke about the future, with an undercurrent of possibilities. This is the reality of this for me. And this reality is worth more, and more beautiful than anything I could have ever dreamed up. That, right there? That’s the difference.

*edit* funny thing – you know how I know I still have room to grow? I wrote this entry about vulnerability, this is me at my most open – then chickened out when I went to post it and made it friends only because I knew she could read it if I didn’t. This is me, laughing at myself and making it public. Seriously, the irony of that cracks me up. I’ve got to just laugh at myself sometimes.