A Year Has passed (an open letter)

Jessica ~
It’s been a year since you last contacted me. It’s been a peaceful year. A lot has happened, and I’ve had a lot of time to consider things from alternate perspectives and come to a kind of peace regarding our tumultuous past.

For a long while after the events of our breakup went down, I despised you. A part of me still does, and I suppose that a part of me always will. I am annoyed by your insistence to believe in dreams and visions to the exclusion of reality. I was angry that you felt the need to hack into my email to gain information which was (in the grand scheme of things – in the real world) trivial and insignificant to be pointed to as “evidence”. The truth of the matter is that nothing happened. I know that to be true, and should you choose now, or at any point in the future, to be honest with yourself, you will know that to be true as well. You wanted an out, and when I refused to give you one, you invented one to suit your purpose. You wanted to leave. You had already begun something that was spiraling quickly out of your control – I have received confirmation of this from a multitude of sources, and no amount of righteous anger is going to change the reality of the matter. Simply, you used what little leverage you had to play on my guilt and love for you – and you twisted it into something ugly and perverse. I blame you for this. There is no one else. Therefore, the rational, logical and realistic part of my mind (the part you hated and deemed pessimistic) will always have some measure of frustration towards you – and that frustration is well-deserved.

Moreover, however, I am grateful that you did what you did. I left you once, and if I’m honest with myself, I should have stayed gone. My life wasn’t roses when I was single, but it was a far sight better than what I was drawn back into. Had I learned then the lessons that I know now, I would have been able to move forward much quicker – and leave your toxicity behind in the process. I wish I had.

Ultimately, however, what you did caused me to start examining myself and my life as a whole. I made a lot of changes. I “evolved” (I find it extremely humorous that you always tried to demean and discredit my attempts to grow and change, but you are fluent in the same language ever since). I grew as a person and i defined what it was to be happy, without you.

Because of what you did, I was able to come to terms with myself, and put aside a lot of the poisonous people that I surrounded myself with. I made a whole new set of friends – friends that were unconditional and giving. These friends allowed me to rebuild the self-confidence that you did your best to destroy, along with every sympathetic feeling I carried over past our relationship. Once I began to let go of the past, I was able to reach forward towards the future with both arms – and because i was able to do that, I found heaven.

The last year was a big one. I got married. I gained the family I was always meant to have, and I also learned the value of love – real love – without all of the lingering doubts and questions. Devon is a beautiful person, and she loves me precisely for who I am – not who she wishes me to be. She doesn’t need to fix me or change me or mold me into someone else. She doesn’t need to be passive-aggressive or bitchy. We actually talk like grown ups. We are brutally and beautifully honest with each other, and we cannot even imagine things any other way. this is what a real relationship is, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

The reason that I told you to never contact me again was simple – not because i was afraid of what having you in my life would mean, but because I never want to go back to the place you dragged me to. It was ugly. Doomed. Insignificant. I was less of myself when I was with you – and the person I am is pretty damn amazing. No more lies, no hiding the truth, no minimizing or twisting things to avoid an argument or confrontation.

I know that you’ve written about me. I take their word on it. I make it a point to not recognize any names that you may be going by these days, and I’m not the least bit curious about you, your life or what you’re up to. I have more than enough information about you to last a lifetime, and I didn’t have to relay messages through third parties to show you my displeasure. I don’t need these juvenile games anymore. I sincerely hope that at some point you learn to grow up. I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for the small life that you’re destined to have unless something changes. I feel sorry for your daughter. I feel sorry for whoever is your shining knight of the moment. It’s not going to last. It can’t, and until something fundamentally changes in you – it never will. Oh sure, you claim to have “evolved” just like I did, but it’s a lie. You know it, I know it – everyone that knows you knows it. It’s probably uncomfortable for you to realize that i still know what makes you tick, but i do. You, however, know nothing about me. Nothing. The person I was with you was a shadow, and she was never given enough sunlight to grow – not until you stepped aside and let the sun shine.

I implore you – grow up. Learn. Change. Be bigger than yourself. See things from a more honest perspective, and maybe they’ll be some hope for you. In the mean time, thank you for staying away. I have come to a peace with your memory, but i have no desire to bring that memory back to life. She’s buried in a nice garden. The view is pleasant and quaint, around the back of a little world that contains it – far removed from my reality. You cannot hurt me anymore. I don’t hate you anymore – I just feel ambiguous to your existence a world away from mine. You can’t affect me anymore, and I feel quite safe in saying that there will never be room for you in my present, or my future. I wish you luck.

Goodbye.

This work by JMcFarland is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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