A Whole New Me

You are now experiencing Julie, version 33.6

Since I have now gotten my head screwed on straight (or gayly facing forward anyway, it’s about as straight as I get), I realized it was time to start focusing on other aspects of my life. My codependent behaviors and traits seem to have receded into the background, and while I understand that it’s going to be a lifetime struggle for me to break out of some of those patterns, and I’m going to have good and bad days and sometimes I will have to work harder and try more than others, I think I have a good handle on myself. The CODA program profoundly changed me. It gave me the tools, support and encouragement I needed to radically alter my way of thinking, my ways of perception and the way that I view my life and the people in it. It gave me more patience and tolerance, while also giving me the courage to stand up for myself. It helped me to understand what most people already know instinctively – that my needs and desires matter just as much as other people’s do, and sometimes I have to put myself first in order to fulfill what I need. In light of that, last week I sent a mass text to my coda “family”. For a few months, it’s been harder on me to get to meetings – I’ve been working more hours at work, and my life has been a lot more hectic and a lot less simple. So my attendance became sporadic and not reliable – not for me, and not for them. They still are and always will be a part of my life, and I look forward to going into meetings every once in a while, or when I know I need to be there – but I told them that I can’t commit to being there for step group every week. I won’t say that I’m “cured”, I don’t think anyone is ever cured of any kind of addiction, even a personality one. but I know that I have the tools and support that I need in order to be headed on the right track. Being on Medication helped. Focusing a year and a half of my life on meetings, and working through the steps and having a concrete support system helped as well – helped probably more than anything else. I’m good now. The purpose of CODA, as stated in their opening remarks at every meeting is to learn how to make and maintain healthy, loving relationships in all aspects of your life – and I’ve done that. I’m in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had in my life. I’m able to maintain my friendships and make new, lasting ones. I’m able to express myself more and better, and do it in a way that is respectful of others, and healthy for me. I still have my moments, and I probably always will. But that’s part of being human. I’m not past recovery – it is an every day, every moment process. But I finally feel like I’m able to ride without training wheels. And being on the medicine was an added kick to put me on a level playing field with everybody else. I’m good.

So, that being said, I realized it was time to focus on my spiritual health and my physical health. This is week one of a whole new me. I’ve been struggling with exercise for the past several months – I’ll be really good for awhile, then slack off, etc. We’ve been trying to cook more at home, and eat better with our food selections. But it wasn’t enough. So I stepped up my game, and added walking/jogging for half an hour every day. Jump rope. I got a gold’s home gym resistance training set that you hook over a door in your home. You can do 30+ exercises with it (even came with a handy door chart) and I separated them in to three different groups, and do one every day. I do my ab exercises every day, and they’re getting easier and easier to do – when I add weights, they will continue to be challenging. My problem has always been sticking with something. But I gained some weight, both by being happy in a relationship (it’s amazing what not being miserable all the time will do for you) and by the original medication I was on. And I knew it was time to do something. So this is the start for me. Devon has agreed to hold me accountable for it. It’s funny – sometimes I’ll go home and dread doing my exercises because I’m tired/sore etc – there’s always an excuse. But I always feel great after doing them. This week being the beginning, I physically feel like hell – I’m kicking my own ass so I’m sore as hell, but it’s the best kind of sore – it’s realizing that I’m accomplishing something (because my body is complaining about it). Devon asked me what I wanted for breakfast this morning and I laughed and said “Ibuprofen”. But I’ve been eating better too – a higher protein, lower calorie/fat diet. I watch what I eat. Doesn’t mean I still don’t have something I enjoy occasionally. This, like everything else, is all about balance.

Spiritually is going to be a bit more of a challenge than just buckling down and making myself do it. I’ve been doing a lot more radical thinking lately, due to the documentaries I’ve been watching most likely. I’ve started training myself to think more positively about myself, my body and my day to day life. Before I go to bed, while I’m laying there cuddling, I’ve started to redirect my focus, and start “creating my day” for the next day when I wake up. I project what I would like to happen. I’ve started encouraging myself, rather than putting myself down. I’m doing a sort of experiment with myself on the power of positive thought, and I want to see what will happen. As far as a defined “faith”…I’m still working on it. I’m trying to re-examine my beliefs, both old and new and find what is right for me. I don’t want to sit down and subscribe to a specific “dogma” or set of beliefs and rules that I have to follow. I want to live a good life, treat other people well (the way I’d like to be treated) and infuse myself, my life, and those around me with positive attitudes and effect positive change. It’s just like CODA – training my mind to think and see things differently. I know I can do it, because I have living proof in myself that I can with what I’ve been through in the last two years. Now it’s just time to put it into practice a different way.

I’m happy to see that I’ve been successful in at least one of my resolutions so far – I have definitely started writing more. 3 times in one week so far this week. Now if only I could buckle down and do that in my physical journal too, I’d be set. I find it harder to write there than here, for some reason. But it’s something I definitely want to try to do. Maybe I can commit to writing in there over the weekends when I have more down time than I do during the week. That seems realistic to me.

Peace.