Sad news

We went for our first ultrasound today and found out that I am miscarrying.  I knew as soon as she turned on the machine and said, "have you had any bleeding?"  I haven’t had ANY signs that things weren’t progressing normally…I’ve felt nauseated and horrible, I’ve been exhausted, and I’m totally bloated.  But I know precisely when this baby was conceived, so I know it should be 9 weeks, and apparently it is only measuring 6 weeks and 5 days….and no heartbeat.

It was actually really surreal lying there while she checked to make sure nothing was wrong with my ovaries…I couldn’t look at Ryan. Luckily, the ultrasound tech was really very nice and I appreciated that she told us her concern rather than just sending us off to talk to the doctor – I know some do that. 

We met with the doctor who told me I have three options…wait for the miscarriage to happen naturally (could take a day, could take weeks), take an internal medicine to induce the miscarriage, or schedule a D & C.  I’ve been agonizing about it all night, but from what a few of my friends have said and from what I’ve read, I think the D&C is the better option for me.  My only problem is that it is going to be very expensive (we have to pay our deductible first), but my mom said she can help us if we run into trouble, and also told me that she has some insurance money from an accident that she is planning to give us soon, so that should help a lot.  She also told me that if I want to request an u/s before the procedure just to be sure, she will happily pay for it.  While I am sure that my doctor’s office knows what they are doing, I might consider doing this just for that closure and peace of mind.

Luckily, we had been waiting to tell most people, so while I’ve had some people to contact today, it hasn’t been as bad as it could have been.  And honestly, I’ve really appreciated the support I’ve gotten.  I have some really amazing friends.

Tonight Ryan and I are going to eat pizza in bed and watch TV and tomorrow we might take Joseph to the zoo.  I don’t think I can handle work – I just want to be with my little family and grieve a little for the life that could have been.  I’m not sure if we’ll try again right away or give it some time.  I’m not really sure about anything, but I know that in the long run, everything is going to be alright.  Trying really hard to count my blessings tonight.  They are numerous, but it’s still kind of hard.