09/12/2009

Okay, so this might be like a novel, but I want to write this down before I start to forget how it all happened. =) 

The past week and a half or so, I have been having the feeling that I might be pregnant, but I kept telling myself that I probably wasn’t.  I was so worried about being disappointed again and it’s just easier if you don’t get your hopes up.  The only real symptom I had was being overemotional…the week before last I was home by myself while Ryan was working a double, and I happened to flip past an episode of "America’s Got Talent."  A man came out to do a frisbee act with his dog, and I just burst into tears.  It was totally bizarre!!  I mean, I get a little emotional before my period sometimes, but usually for something normal…not for a little dog catching frisbees! =)  

Anyway, on Tuesday night I had a dream that I took a pregnancy test and that it was positive.  I was telling my two close girlfriends at work about it, and I could see them exchanging looks.  I had not planned to take a test until the end of the week, but I had also been pretty sure that I would start my period on Wednesday.  Since I had no normal symptoms, I decided I would test that afternoon.  I figured I would go by The Dollar Tree on the way home and get a cheap test, and save the one more expensive test I had at home for later…I was sure it would be negative, and didn’t want to waste the money.  I went by the store, and picked up the only test they had left.  Just one!  In the whole store!  (I was trying not to think that it was a sign, but I totally did). =)

I got home and ate a snack with Ryan and then went in the bathroom to take the test (he did not know I was taking it).  I knew it was even less likely to be positive if I took it in the afternoon, but I just had to take it.  The second line came up right away and I just stared at it.  I started crying and shaking a bit, and then I left the bathroom and rushed through the bedroom…Ryan was in there and asked me what I was doing, and I just said, "hold on!"  I went to get the onesie that I bought for him awhile ago…he is kind of a comic book nerd, and I got one that says "My daddy’s comic collection is bigger than your daddy’s comic collection."  I hadn’t even opened it from the shipping envelope.  I went into the bedroom and gave it to him…he opened it, and said "Really?"  Then I spent the next ten minutes asking him if he was okay (he kept saying he was) and making him look at the test with me to make sure that he saw that second line too!  I think he was freaked out like I was, so we were kind of quiet for awhile.  Later he got really cute about it.  He came into the bedroom and said, "we don’t have to eat leftovers for dinner…do you want to go out?  We could go out for something with ‘baby’ in the name, like baby-back ribs or something…"  It was really cute and we did end up going out.  We didn’t want ribs, so we went for sushi (cooked sushi, since you can’t have raw sushi when you’re pregnant).

While we were out, we stopped by Target and I picked up another test so I could reassure myself.  I took it when I got home, and sure enough, it was positive.  I ran out into the living room to show Ryan and said, "Ryan, I am seriously pregnant!!"  The next morning I told my two co-workers…the three of us basically share an office and work together all day long, so they have known that we were trying all along.  Plus, I would want them to know if anything happened.  PLUS….I burst into tears in our office yesterday afternoon, and I definitely need them to know why things like that are happening!  One of them had her second daughter last March, and one of them has a one-year old, so they are very understanding.  Actually, one of them brought me a gift yesterday!  It was so sweet…she said she knew it was really, really soon, but she just couldn’t resist.  She got me a baby book (the ubiquitous, "What to Expect When You’re Expecting") and a cute little baby blanket.

We are not really telling people though, because I am barely, barely pregnant…not quite 5 weeks.  I am so nervous that something will happen, but I am trying to think positively.  I keep reassuring myself with various symptoms.  For one, I am exhausted.  I have been sleeping like crazy, and napping at every chance.  Then, last night we were in bed watching a Russell Brand comedy special.  We were laughing so hard that it hurt…you know that kind of crazy laughing.  Anyway, we paused it for a second so Ryan could go get some water, and I was still laughing, and then all of a sudden, I was sobbing!  It was so crazy, and Ryan kept asking me if I was okay and what was wrong.  Nothing was wrong!  I was totally fine, I just couldn’t stop crying.  I would not have believed it if it didn’t happen to me.

I couldn’t decide whether to tell our parents or not…we thought about waiting until after I go to the doctor.  I am going to call and make an appointment on Monday.  The thing is, they probably won’t want me to come in for 3 or 4 weeks, and I didn’t think I could wait that long to tell my mom.  She is very anxious for grandchildren!  Then I found out that tomorrow is Grandparent’s Day and that just seemed too perfect to pass up, so we are going to tell them all tomorrow.  We’ll call Ryan’s mom because she lives out of state, and we’ll probably call my dad, because he lives about an hour away, but I’ll probably try to go see my mom.  I got a little bib at the store that says "I love Grandma" and I think she’ll get a real kick out of it.

I am so excited, but so, so nervous.  I keep worrying that I will miscarry or that something will go wrong.  The truth is, the timing couldn’t be better.  I told Ryan that I thought his little swimmers were smarter than we were, because they knew to wait until this month.  If all goes as planned, the baby will be here in mid to late May.  What that means for me is that I will hopefully not have to use any of my maternity leave (which is unpaid), because I will use a week or two of sick leave and then be out for summer break.  That also means that I will have 8-10 weeks at home with the baby before having to return to work.  It’s great!