I feel so very dark and twisty…

Feeling kind of low…

Life hasn’t dealt me bad cards or been unusually cruel to me, but I’m sitting here at quarter to five in the morning thinking about cutting again. It’s almost been a year since the last time, But tonight could be the night. And it’s not because anything happenebed. It’s because it didn’t happen, nothing happened and I’m not making anything happen… I feel like I have no control in my life and that every decision I have made in regards to my future has been wrong. I chose to be friends with people who’d abadon me (and abadon those who didn’t leave me first), I chose to do things with guys who didn’t care about me, I chose to do what I enjoyed as opposed to what would set me up for the future (I chose to study English Lit at uni as opposed to something which could eventually lead to a career.) I chose to fall in love with a guy who did/does care about me, and I chose to give up my dream of going to uni across the water just to be with him and to skip the gap year I could only afford at that moment in my life, I chose to encourage him to go uni across the water when he failed to get the grades to go to the same uni as me. I chose to start cutting and leave me scarred beyond repair. I make bad decision but then I have to try and unravel them…to clutch to something good in order to avoid falling into despair.

I’m feeling trapped. I’m with Chris and that’s great, but my life feels like it’s stuck on one track and there’s no way to get off. Three years could turn in to five years and I’ll finish uni and go and live with him, I’ll wait till he finished uni and then we’ll be six years…then the ring then the house then fightiing and the kid, the growing apart, the resentment, the hatred. The Regrets.

And there I’ll be at thirty wishing I had taken some time for myself, discovered that I love thai or japanese food, seen the world because it’ll be half destroyed by then, discovered my opinions and that there’s more to life than picking a Job, a Guy and Baby names.

I’ll be wishing I’d discovered my passions and my hates, my fears and my adreneline pumpers.

Blah blah blah, you get the drift. I just don’t know how people live with one choice in life. I want everything, I want to live on my own but never be lonely, I want to travel and see that i can do things on my own but at the same time I want love, sex and safety. I want a kid and a house and a man. But it’s weird, I almost only want the second half because that’s all I know of life…I’ve never met someone who has done it differently, someone who hasn’t at least tried the socially accepted norm.

One piece of me is yelling that I’ve got a good thing going on and I shouln’t mess it up…

But the other half is saying Maybe there’s more….

I guess it’s the age old problem of the grass always being greener…

I could really do with someone to talk to but all I have is Chris and he’s got more going on so I’ve got to be there for him as opposed to having him be there for me. It’s just hard when I feel so broken and I can’t confide in him.