Tears on my pillow

last night I went to bed at 5:30 after my previous entry and cried myself to sleep….have not done that in a long time. woke up around 9, took a couple sleeping pills and went back to bed. the depths of depression….I’m up for a few months then I crash like a rock, harder each time, it’s a wonder how I hang on. each time I think about that gun I wish I had, and each time it get’s easier to think of me using it if I had it.

today was better, not 100% better, but better. felt like I was going to puke on and off. upset str8 boy wasn’t talking to me. went out for a smoke in the rain with my umbrella and he comes and pops under with me. I was like what the fuck…..I didn’t say anything to him that I was upset, he asked me to go out later and we met out there again but it just wasn’t the same today, maybe it was me, I don’t know. couldn’t wait to get home today…hate driving home in the dark, so depressing it is dark so early….almost crash into the hugest deer I have ever seen in my life doing 60mph on my way home, 10 feet in front of me, if he had stopped to look at me I’d have been toast, but he didn’t, and it was a male, it had antlers, big as a horse, a fraction of a second in front of me but it did not stop, right across in a flash it went. my life flashed before my eyes….

came home and cooked for the first time in weeks instead of lucky charms, ate, cleaned up after and then sat down and chatted with str8 boy for like over an hour nonstop about all kinds of stuff, it was cool. I can be friends with him I think after I get through this, just hurts to get close to someone, I don’t want to get hurt in the end.

trying to figure out how I’m going to cancel christmas. not decorating, telling everyone it’s cancelled, not to buy me anything, I’m not doing parties, bah humbug….just can’t do it this year, can’t wait till its over, don’t want to see a fucking christmas tree or presents or holiday anything anywhere. who knows I will probably come around like in a week or so and scramble to buy presents for everyone and put on that fake smile and pretend everything is good. everything is not good, I’m sick of trying to be happy, sick of being alone but affraid to get close to anyone. I hate feelings, I am scared of feelings, feelings hurt.

so ya, that was today.