glimmer of hope
well today started out as a shitty day. had to get up at freakin 6:45 to bring mom to the airport. felt so bad I scared her on the way so bad she screamed. she isn’t used to my driving and always complains but I should have just slowed down, let the tractor trailor in front of me and then passed him on the highway instead of trying to beat him on the ramp. mom said “that was way to close, that would have been my life, you never would have forgave yourself”…..so ya I felt bad. but she called me when she got there around 3:30 to let me know she was there (and that it was 78 degrees) and she sounded all happy so I felt better about that.
Tears were in my eyes at work today. My turkish friend’s last day at work is next friday, today it hit me, he has given up. I have tried everything from getting my lesbian to marry him, me marrying him myself in VT or MA(wouldn’t be recognized by federal govt) and a guy at work adopting him. I emailed my cousin who is a lawyer 2x to see if she can help and she can’t do much or doesn’t want to get involved. I have emailed his boss, and his boss’s boss asking them to please hire him, they say there are no more sponsorships available at work. So he plans to go back to Turkey, fulfill his 5 month military requirement, then return here. I told him today when he leaves I will never see him again and that is what got me in tears. he will either find a job back there, a gf back there and not want to come back., get killed in the military, or if he ever comes back probably to another part of the country. I feel I will be losing almost the best friend I have ever had. why does this happen to me?
so on top of those two things today my algebra homework is really getting to me. It is so hard, I have tried all my life to avoid it but it has come to a point where I need it to finish my degree so I have no choice. Almost dropped out 3 times, came really close once, ready to smash my laptop over it getting so pissed and one night was in tears. I have to take 2 5 week classes, algebra I and algebra II. If I quit and go to a school that isn’t online they will be like 3-4 month classes each and probably take me 2 years to complete if I don’t give up in between because semeseters run only at certain times. Gokhan has been helping me, my sister helped me and crystal helped me a little. If it wasn’t for this online help program I don’t know what I would have done because that and Gokhan have been the most help. I am a little behind, but rather than cheat which I could easily do I have accepted I need to learn this. Not because I will ever use it, but to get through Algebra II, and get my degree finally in August.
At the end of today I had a glimmer of hope. I mentioned to my old boss next year I am taking 9 days in January AND 9 days in february and she said as long as I was caught up or wouldn’t mind working a bit while I’m away. I said either that or I could work from the Miami office Jan, Feb, and March. She knows how much I want to move there. She knows my seasonal depression, she has seen it, she says she deals with it herself but I doubt to the extent that she totally understands. I have asked 3 years in a row now to transfer completely there and she has been the stopping block. But today she said “we need to revist that issue” after I mentioned working there Jan-March. Knowing her, and her not saying that isn’t possible, I have a feeling it may be possible if I ask again in the fall. Regardless, I can’t take it much more. I’d be stupid to sell my place with a mortgage of under $200 a month. I could rent this place for $800 a month and pay most of another mortgage down there. Or, I could just shut this place up for 3 months and rent something down there and get through winter. I’d really like to be down there September through March, but I have to take what I can get at this point. I’d be stupid to leave my job now too without my degree, work is paying for it, and without a degree it would be hard to find a job. If I wait till october to make a decision, I could take my degree AND four years experience down there with me and find a good job.
Other stuff…..bonus this month, should be a big one, maybe biggest yet. Spa work this month, at least another $100, income tax, around $2000. should be no problem paying off my trip and not digging into the savings. mom wants to get my windows paid off too before interest starts in another 3 months or so….that would be fine but don’t want to drain my savings. ordered my “body by jake ab scissor” today on ebay. need to turn my 12 pack back into a 6 pack!!