Terrible Awful

I feel like a terrible awful person. And I can’t seem to shake it. So as with most people small business are hurting and my husband and his dad are not exception in fact they were hurting before the pandemic. Things are getting harder and harder and I can not cover all the bills, grocery, etc… on my paychecks alone. Yes paychecks I have one full time and one part time job to keep us afloat. I was trying to be supportive of their business however they have been trying for 4 years now and it’s going no where. We end having to pay taxes every year because they don’t have a payroll system etc… I can go on and on. So awhile back I had, hand enough and told my husband either something changes or I am moving out with our son to live with my mother while he will have to live with his parents sell our home and try to break even. I gave him until February to figure it out. So about 5 months… I don’t think he took me serious until he found out I was discussing moving back in with my mother…. So he has been trying but people just aren’t paying work is slow the whole nine yards. So a position has come out at my mother’s work that she I both think would be perfect. It has benefits it will be next door to my son school when he starts elementary. It’s been a killer ride with the interviews … He has his final interview today. Well he had a conversation with his parents about not wanting to loose his family and home because he is afraid to hurt his dad by leaving the family business. All and all I think the conversation went well. However hearing him talk about it, it just makes me feel awful. I feel like I am making him choose between me and his parents and that is not my intention at all I just can’t keep doing this. It’s not fair to our family and I hate having 2 sometimes 3 jobs to make sure everything is covered every month. Then I am worried what if he gets the job and hates it or him and my mother can’t work together. They have in the past and it was fine with its ups and downs.  I just feel like I can’t breath and that everything is going to come crashing down. I worry about the future for my kids. I feel awful the eldest who is my step son is going to graduate from high school in a couple years and there is no college fund at all for him yet my parents have one for the youngest…. I feel absolute terrible about it but what am I to do. I try to treat both boys the same yet I know the youngest will get more opportunities then the eldest because of how things worked out. I know that is out of my control but I still feel guilty about it. I am so tired of feeling guilty and thinking everything is my fault. I feel like I have nothing left to give or that I can do. I hate feeling helpless and out of control. I think that’s why I dye my hair so much something I can sort of control and sometimes that doesn’t even come out right…. I keep telling myself everything will work out how it is meant too but it doesn’t seem to be working today.