One step forward…

You know the rest of that phrase, so I won’t continue with it! Well, it’s apparently the story of my life! Just when things seemed to be moving in a more interesting way with the chappy at work- surprise surprise, he decides to go all quiet again. I dunno maybe it’s best to keep your feelings to yourself- it saves any unfortunate uncomfortableness! Although I tend not to have regrets about my life I have had a few ‘what if’s’ and I know I did have to say something this time.  I am not sure it came out in the way I intended it to- I thought it had the desired effect but it appears not. We still left things on smiley terms this afternoon, although I was struggling with that somewhat, I did a good show (as usual) of covering it up.

I know I am not unattractive but I am also aware of my limitations (especially as my best friend at work is v stunning and so eyes are automatically drawn her way LOL). The thing is I have never been overly confident, especially with men. I appreciate this is probably not a bad thing, but it also means that when I have actually managed to pluck up the courage to say ‘hello, perhaps we could be more than friends’ (in this case I have waited 6 months- and he is due to go a way for an extended period shortly, which kinda spurred me into saying something when usually I wouldn’t… ) its hard when they decide (after a bit of umming and ahhing) that perhaps they just want to remain friends. It always makes me wish I’d just kept things schtumn and stayed that way.

Don’t get me wrong we didn’t actually do anything so I didn’t turn into a slut for the day or anything and friends isn’t a bad thing- its a bloody lovely thing- but in this instance I know it might have gone somewhere. I guess I am good ‘mate’ material…

Of course I did make the unfortunate mistake of falling for him before I realised there was a fiance…

I just feel if he can say the stuff that he said to me the other day- he shouldn’t marry her…. and I don’t mean for my sake, I mean for hers. But then I guess we haven’t done anything; words don’t count for very much in the scheme of things. I don’t want to be some sort of relationship wrecker and maybe I should feel happy in the knowledge that he is the guy I thought he was ( i.e. a v nice one!) if he doesn’t do anything with me while he is attached. But I would v much like him to LOL…. see I am a bad and evil person… if he did would I think less of him?? (No, I wouldn’t – I would still do unspeakable rude things with him but probably not want to have the potentially deep and meaningful relationship we could have should I have the willpower to wait for him to return and decide he loves me ha ha!-  I would have to just settle for the lusty sex filled relationship instead lol)

I would like to think he will keep in touch when he is away- but I am not sure he can or will. Perhaps he will have time to reflect when he is away… and maybe he will reflect kindly on me. Who can say.

Sorry, this was another rambling episode about not a lot! Phone is ringing so I better go- maybe update later.

Current mood- unsettled!