April 20, 2003

4eva…

4eva

one of those fucking days

when the spring smells like fall like august or september like new beginnings

when i try to remember how it started how it went from sitting down next to you with your motorcycle helmet and your hope this makes me look like a school teacher clothes

to sitting in that van or under that tree or on that beach or in your apartment but i never can remember getting to know one minute we said hi, the next it had already happened

and every time i think maybe its been long enough past that i can listen to those songs and think those thoughts without feeling those things well, im always wrong. wrong enough to get the chills so bad i wish id worn a fucking coat. wrong enough to write yet another never-gonna-send email to say the same old shit over and over again.

i miss you

some day ill try again to send a hello offhand hows it going in california? but not today… i just dont have time to stare at the computer like i used to waiting for those words to come back at me. or maybe im just not ready for them not to come back again. maybe she just didnt have time. it couldnt matter less. nothing changes

i miss it all