Unexpected discouragment

So I haven’t been feeling good as of the past few weeks. I have been puking and feeling almost as if I have a horrible stomach flu. It’s caused me to miss out on alot of work that I really can’t afford. I looked it up and it’s seems to be an alser. Now I’m not a doctor but I’ve looked into my symptoms. I’m hoping I feel well enough to work tonight since I couldn’t last night.

Ok, so on to something else. I find myself more and more self concious the closer and closer I get to having this later, and starting hormones. I’ve been having really bad dysphoria, odd dreams, odd needs and wants. There’s something about starting that scares the shit out of me. Like I have come to terms with living this was just to be able to function through out the day. Then for everything to began and start changing like am i going to be able to adjust to the changes as fast as there going to happen? I have to be honest and say I feel guilty about something. Alyda changed her whole life to be with me, and became so excited and what ever…and she doesnt even get to sit and enjoy it with me. It kind of hurts because she was there for me all the way through therapy and horrible cases of dysphoria and freak outs. She more then deserves to I suppose you can say…not that now she wants to since shes going to be experiencing it with another "man". I mean the lacking of general excitment and support I once had and no longer have kind of blows. I mean it’s not that people support me anyless just those people arn’t apart of my life anymore.

So I convinced my mom to enroll a.j into school until I get an apartment and can enroll her in school under my parental control…hehehe. Naw lol. It’s better then her going to live some where with someone who is going to do nothing but make her miserable because the fucking child is a demon. Talking about a.j…..shes getting her lip pierced this weekend nd uuuuggghh not to happy bout it..idk shes just so cute…but it’s what ever she wants.

i’m a little stressed, and confused. I have alot on my plate right now, and all things are headed in the direction there suppose to. I just feel like I’m really missing something and I can’t figure out what it is or why. Like there’s something right in front of my face that I’m ignoring. I find myself wandering in thought sometimes just wondering if this is were I want my life to go and, the ways that I’m going to make it go. I have been thinking alot about the things Sara and i have been talking about akron and all. I keep thinking and replying how this living together thing might go and it scares me because I’m at the point where I just want to build something on my own. Maybe a roommate or soemthing but I’m really not ready for that type of step. I mean now yea i know now I stay here everyday, but living someone with someone involved bills, money, a house to support, and I’m just in the set where I want to get to know her as much as possible the ins and out so when it’s time for that move I know what I’m getting myself into. I have known Sara for a few months we’ve only been dating for a month and i just feel like if I do this then I’m just setting us up for failure in the long run because we jumped the gun. I’m deffinately not a fan of waking up and falling asleep to someone then suddenly there no there, but It’ll strengthen feelings and make the missed missed more I suppose. Also I think it will give me alot of thinking time, and alone time to be able to handle everything that I am going to be going through soon. Along with keeping me a little more focused on where ( i dont know what I did but now my writings different) I want my life to be headed. Taking on a.j and raising her for how ever long it maybe I need to make sure things are just perfect and taken care of, no fuckign around. (this burn on my arm hurts…my dumb ass leaned a cigarette against my arm nd jus didnt realize it.)

oh my writing went back to normal now i didn’t even notice lol. well my head hurt’s really bad and I have no cigarette I’m going to lay down before work. So Maybe I semi feel better to work later.

Quote of the day

"They said, "Save it, boy we gotcha you on tape
yellin’ at an old lady ‘touch my body!’"

<3

since I tried to write it on my status while driving, from my cell phone trying to remember the  lyrics as i was dancing and it was just not working in my favor..

aah k bye

–d.j