She’s A Proud Mother
I suppose I can make this the third entry of the day..(first technically for today). I just have so much going and racing through my mind I can barely function. All week I had thought my gender team meeting was today, and it’s tomorrow so it really isn’t a bad thing, but for some reason it completely tore me fucking apart. I just got so anxious because I was going to be late because I had to turn around to get my Gender Marker form so that my therapist could fill it out so I can mail it already. Then Johnny Said something about it being the 31st and not the first so I had Sara call and it was for tomorrow. When I woke up I just didn’t feel as excited as I should of been for it being something that means so much to me. Though realizing I had to wait another day…just broke me, is the best way I can explain it. Like I bursted into tears and just layd there curled n a ball crying. Like this is rediculous why could I just be born as me. I on a daily basis think of it but just swollow it and know that some day I’m going to be me, just it’s alot to pretend like it doesnt bother me. It eats away at my soul. My mother told me today she was proud of me because of how paciant I have been with this, how I have done it by myself, and stuck through it though it has gotten rough. Along with she told me I am an amazing man for going through the crazy things that have been thrown at me through out my life and no matter how many times i’ve been knocked down I have picked myself up and have always become a stronger better person. It made me feel amazing for my mother to say something like that to me. She never really says to much of how shes proud of any of us. It mad this day just a little easier.
My uncles signed the papers for the hospital to be able to pull the plug when he says. They havnt yet but they have been running the tests al day to see if racheal is brain dead, and what exactly is functioning and not functioning. SHe’s so young and has been like this for a few years and it’s really day that she had such a beautiful life before then this surgery just completely took it all away from her. It was a long shot for it to work, but it did keep her "alive" longer then she would of without it. I’m heart broken I watched that little girl grown up right by A.j’s side. They were such much alike and so beautiful and I never saw friends like them. It’s going to be heart breaking to break the news to a.j, but she’s a strong girl and will understand. I feel like a jack ass through this whole thing because I was talking to Liz yesterday about how we were going to have to deal with two funerals before the year was out, just me going by how there health has been going and i said it was rach and my great grandmother. Oh how i didnt suspect it to be so soon…or so right for that matter. 🙁
All of this is just beating me, I am so fucking tired and i did nothing but sleep all day. I wish things would calm the fuck down ugh I need a damn break or something, it it isnt one thing it’s a fucking another..were the hell is my angel..or "devils" (long story) just dont get guardian gouls or something? no hopes dreams er breaks? bullshit I tell you bullshit.
So..16 days and i turn 21, how excited am I?!?!?!?!?!?!….surprisingly I really don’t care. I have no intention of going out to often, I have no friends are really speak to any one any more. I hate the entire human race for that matter…and i can drink..I been drinking since I was damn near in diapers so it’s just another day. Sara apperently has everything planned out. I mean I’m excited for that because I mean aside from going to the stripp club last year with an "akward’ bunch no ones really done anything to much for me. I mean my last real part was when I was like 10 or 11. i really don’t mind but because it’s nothing different sooo who who gives a damn. That’s how i feel about that one.
So ever heard of a man who want’s a child..well here u go…god i have never hated teenage girls more in my life then I do now..but man anytime I see a lil kid man I just think bout unconditional love, and marraige, nd a family nd how amazing my life is going to be when I get that far. gives me hope, I just need to get some ducks in a row and quit letting my shit slip away as soon as I get it together. I’m hoping with strting horemones and ebing able to feel like me and not be so self concious, or depressed, or crazed, I can get it al ltogether. Hoping not worrying bout being outed I can maintain I steady life, that isnt controled on my random emotional mental break downs from this shit nd retard events that happen through this life. Slowly slowly slowly its getting there…one good thing ten bad ok..i can get used to this…NOT! i want it to stop.
Well I mean it’s almost2 am, and I just wanna lay and let my mind swirl bout the ten million things i didn’t get off my chest, that I just feel i can’t right about just yet.
Night
D.j