Shaken bottle begins to unscrew

Just the begining of many thoughts……….

 

Christmas…aaahh Christmas. I usually spend it with my family, but after court on wensday I had to get away from cleveland. The one place for some reason has done nothing but been my down fall for the past year. Every where I turn in that god damn city reminds me of some way some how I have let my life fall to ruins after being bathed in gold by working my ass off for everything I have ever had and letting so many people in my life and to walk out with everything I own and had, self confidence, dignity, and so forth.

I have jsut gotten this job and Chipotle 2 weeks ago, but I’m getting so ahead of myself to try and put my life back together I am falling apart in the process of trying to patch the pieces back together. I want it all done so fast so that everything is settled and on a nice steady path, and just on its way to being soo…at peace. I know that it isnt going to happen over night, or at the snap of my fingers, though everytime I seem to devise this plan so everything gets worked out in a timely, and organized matter, and prioritized the correct way somethign else jumps out of the pile of snow on the side f the road and wrecks my nice little boat of hope.

I’m trying so hard to sit and be there for everyone i know through everything that there going through as much as I possible humanly can. But sometmes its fuckign hard. IT makes me made everytime I’m sitting there tryingto give someone advice, or make them feel better, because as soon as it gets into something about me having a hard time it gets turned around back to whats wrong with them. CAN’T SOMEONE JUST ATLEAST LISTEN. Don’t say anything to make me feel better, don’t tell me its going to be ok, or you understand for all i care, I just want someone to fucking listen. I do it forever one the fuck else why cant someone just fucking do it for me. Of all times in the world right now is when I need someone to listen the most and just lend a fucking shoulder. I never ask for anything from any one of ever expect any of my friends to be there for me, or even give a damn but NOW i do, for once I need people to know and realize how good of a fucking friend I have been and do the fucking same for me. I’m tired of being turned to when someone needs something or someone to listen but when i turn to them people they turn there backs on me. I’MNOT A GOD DAMN DOOR MAT!

Fuck the issues with money, or my insecurities bout my relationship, how bout some one to help give me some direction with my insecurties about this transition. Every since I have gotten this job I keep looking forward to it more and more, and at the same time its terrfying me to continue going through it. Of how many more people I’m going to lose and how many more people are going to look at me with a odd gaze. I find my self staring at my self in the mirror wondering what its going to be like going from trying to convince everyone I’m a boy to actually being on and convincing my self the struggle and confusion is finally over. Sometimes I get scared once this begin to happen i might possibly might not like it. I know thats very unlikely, but I’m so terrfied of changed and things not being so difficult, and…disgusting to me I dont know how to take it. Like my body and soul are only so far away from being one, I’m terrfied that I’ll never be complete an in the end completely unhappy because I started something I am never going to completely be satified with. I guess I should stop looking at everything so negatively but I’m scared to death of so much going bad when I’m working my fingers to the bone in every manner possible for them to go.."as planed" the way i want them to be im psychin my self out. I’m back i na really bad state of body dysphoria, everytime I look at my self with clothes on the few mintues later dont have any clothes on i freak out ike what is going on. Then at work everyone damiens me, and uses my "other" last name, then occasionally shes me it mind fucks me hardcore. Like brooke said she forgets sometimes of my "situation" as i do as well, then when I have to use the rest room (bc i dont usually bring my stp because its annoying bc it doesnt stay put) i get reminded of who I was born as, and i jsut want it to be different, I want this to be easier, and not so confusing and hard, just because I want to be ME. I’m lost in my own transition and i dont know what to do…..

 

I’m beating my self up beyond belief because of hruting Alyda the way i did with the whole stacie thing. I feel like I’m loosing her more and more, but i only keep falling more and more inlove with her. Today has been amazing time with her, (even though I was depressed beyond belief because of not spending christmas with my family and seeing her and her family) it has blown my mind how cute and giggly we were today. I have developed a pounding head ache because of entirey to much thinking.

 

I have so many other things to address, monica and that whole sitution…*sad face* talking to tiff again, alyda and my drunken night out wtih country boys that was great, then turned sour and left me really pissed, hurt and…as someone else.  Get into that another time if i happen to remember.

 

 

D.j

 

 

P.s Monica just refered to me as a man for the first time…i never thought she would after the convo we had about it….im fucking blown away……cant exactly describe how i feel bout it……..

 

Monica Cazarez: im so proud of the man you have grown to be
Bj Raiinb0w: wow….umm thanks….that jsut blew me away

Monica Cazarez: and i am not Monica without Damien

 

 

wow……………