Need help finding some direction…. :-(

I finally have a day off of work to shit down and write what the hell has been going on.

I have been working judt about everyday, and I get a day off usually on tuesdays but always seem to be to busy and or tired to sit and write. I’m not complaining because I need the hours and the money desprately. It’s just tiring work and it takes a huge toll on my body. I am more then greatful to have this job, expecially not working after a year. I thank the heavens above everyday for this job, it in a sense have made thigns easier and less stressful but more stressful in the same instance. I have gotten written up for being late already, but there isnt much I can do about it given the weather situations lately. I’m just trying my damnedest to get as much money as possible to get a car so that it doesnt happen anymore. Another one or two paychecks and im in the clear for a car.

Alyda and I have been stuck in the vicious cycle of thing with our relationship. We have come to the terms were in two different mind sets, I’m ready to begin to settle down and become partners, and ask her to marry me, and shes not…heart wrenching. On top of that she is finding it more and more difficult to coem to terms with my transition. Shes not sure if shes going to be able to handle it once things start changing. The facial hair, my voice changing, skin texture changing, and so forth. It makes her feel like she would be loving a different person. I’m damned if I do I’m damned if I dont. I have come to the point that I need to move out and emotionally detach myself from her. I know its going to end because of this transition. it breaks my heart, I love her so muhc and have had my heart set on marrying her since everything began. i find myself in tears just about every night knowing how this is going to end, but just not knowing when. She says regardless if were together or not, she is still going to be there for me and support me, I just dont think she understand the fact of, I cant just be friends with her, I wouldn’t be able to put my feelings aside. I don’t know what todo so i force my self just not to care and take her in for every moment I can. I do see though its causing me to be very touchy and set off easily. Though wouldn;t anyone if they new because of something they can’t change the love of there life is going to be gone?

This transition is harder then I had first anticipated. I have lost friends, lovers, and heard things from family i never expected to, both good and bad. I have reached points of saying that i don’t want to go through with it because of all the great people I have lost and the struggle that it is becoming just to be able to function…normally. IF i didn’t I know I would regret it for the rest of my life. I am who I am, just born wrong, and Ih av to fix it, other wise I am forever going to be unsatified with my body, and how the world, (genderly) sees me, or how i see my self. I know that i will never be completely satisfied because of the whole bottom surgery thing but as close as I can get…I’ll take it. Being half way happy with my self is better then being completely miserable I suppose. Just makes me wonder how relationships and friend ships and people I come into contact with will actually think about me, once it may or maynot come up in conversation. I plan to live completely stealth, but what am I to do (if alyda an I dont last) going to explain to someone I care about or get intamate with that im different..down there, and the horror of my "past life" coming back to haunt me.

I have been doing very well at just crumbling up all my emotions and storing them into this little box with the key i continuously hide from my self. I’d rather not pour my worried and emotions onto someone..or anyone for that matter, that can barely understand, because there not experiencing it them selves. Not only for my issues with my relationship or transition…but other things in general. I’m begiing to withdraw my self from alot of people and some which I usually dont. "Feelings" are just gettign in the way and the understand that we once had just isnt there any more…or is put aside because feelings have come flying out of the woodwork after many years of them being dormat.

A.j has alot more issues going on and it scares me that something is going to happen to her. I dont need anything to happen to her..EVER. That little girl is my fucking life and all my sanity. i hold my self together ntogether and try and make the best decisions based on what they little one will think. I cant even begin to exlain my mental state or my life with out her..it would pretty much be non-exsistant. I really need to go see her and spend time with her and find out how SHE is doing from word of her mouth and not my mothers. Im terrfieed she isnt going to be ok, but im hoping god isnt that cruel to take away my heart and soul, and tear me down to a pile of rubble.

I’m going to make it some how and some way…I’m just not sure how yet. I need some direction from the map of my life…but can’t seem to find it….

I have to get dressed so I can deposit my check so when it clears I can cash my check..so until I have more time…this is just the begining of a long list of troubles..

D.j