Landmark

Ah finally some spare time to write. POssibly the time to get EVERYTHING off my chest..but that’s very unlikely to happen.

Let’s start with work I suppose since its probaly the least interesting and most rediculous. Well I have been have to take two days off a week from getting so sick. I need to just get my tonsils removes and be over this in and out of the hospital bullshit. I can’t afford to be out of work, with having my car payment and insurence, on top of therapy now, I need as much money as I possibly can get my hands on. Besides just having bills to pay I’m trying to save so that In December I can have enoguh saved to move to a.z. I really don’t want to have to wait any longer then that. So getting a second job is in the near future.

On to reasons for moving to arizona. One it’s not Ohio, two theres no snow. I very much dislike snow and cold weather. It’s like a pet peeve or something. Theres good schools in ohio but once to get out of college theres no jobs. The great weather just naturally makes you feel better and pumped to get your day started. Its pretty much cleveland but better. Kinda of a fresh start awa from everything and everyonr I cant seem to get rid of or that just caused me problems. The way that it’s look theres going to be a few people I know going, so I wont exactly be alone. I suppose I’m on a trend of doing anything to make my life what i want it and I’m going to do anything in my power to do that. Brother is going to go with me. hes going to be my roomate..which is fucking amazing.

On to women. ugh women. Apperently Alyda and I are seeing what happens. Everythig has been going good i suppose. Slightly aggravating but good. I get akward during sex because she has this kick of wanting to do it a certain way and its just akward…nd with out my shit and its aggravating and making me sort of impaciant. I’m not going to allow us to become to serious or make any sort of title until after i start Testosterone. I dont want to start it with her by my side then her once again decide she cant deal with it. I’m saving my heart and my self the trouble and heart break of going through that again. She acts like were suppose to be exclusive and what ever, I just don’t see it that way. Granite I’m not going to talk to, fuck, or get involved with anyone, I’m just doing me and getting my shit together. when I start t and Alyda figures what she wants maybe her and I will continue things, but she has to understand I’m a man and going to act, look,, be presented as, and fuck like a dude. I can compromise, but not past my comfort level. I am not giving up my manliness, to be more lesbian like so shes happy. It’s just wrong. Kinda of scares me for when arizona comes in because her mike and the company have plans to go…idk things with her and i are complicated…atleast in my head. I dont think she completely understands, and or is ready to or even can completely committe to a male female relationship. I’m hoping maybe monday her and I can finally sit down and talk there’s alot of things that i need to get off my chest and find out what exactly she has in mind for her life, and let her know what I have planned and where exactly we’re taking all of this…"time spent" between us. To Amy, i found out she was talking to Brother, and that kind of resulted in me and her not talking anymore. I felt betrade like keeping it in the family is cool or something. Like isnt there an unwritten rule or something. i sent her 3 texts on St patty’s day and that has been in for almost 2 weeks. It kinda of odd and makes me mad because I always talked to her. Last year I talked to her about everything. She was my best friend and the only person who was ever there for me with out ever asking or expecting anything. Liked, and lvoed me for me, and not its jsut weird. I can barely talk to her about anything let alone everything. She just isnt the same, and to do that shit right under my nose not saying hey ya know, nd all the shit she was talking bout caring for me and what not. it makes me sadly regret concidering talking t her againg and…anything for that matter..It just always made me feel comfortable for me and cared bout no matter who or what I was, looked like sounded like. Thinking long and hard about it it wouldn’t of last long anyways, she doesnt have a job or show signs of getting one, doesnt go out much, quiet, really shy, have no idea bout her life long plans, and I’m sorry but even though I am shy and conservative, its only to a certain exstent. I want a family that both people work and contribute to he bills, and getting things done, that are open and honest can go out and have fun, so on, within the nxt few years. Maybe no ids til im 25 but working towards that goal together with someone so it can be possible….blah blah…

So I have some amazing, LAND MARK news. On monday I had Brooke call for me to start Therapy so that I can get my letter to get my perscription for Testosterone. I have my first session On monday,and Im more terrified then I can explain. I get sick and woozy thinking about it at times. Not exactly sure of which was the feeligns going, bad or good. I have waited for this step for a year and a half and now that its here I’m so excited and scared I’m not going to like what happens, but i cant help but remind my self that I am disgusted by what i got now. See my conflict. I think its just because my anxisty is bad, or if I’m just psycing myself out type of thing. Brother starts therapy the 6th? or the 8? or next month so he’ll be right along with me on everything. I’m hoping I can do the least amount of therapy and get my t letter quickly. I’m getting goose bumps thinking about it. Everything going on and happening this way I have decided to start quit smoking now then just dead stop when i get my script. Which is good since I have sorta picked up this work out routine. Nother to special I want to look a few things up on the internet on how to gain weight before I really make the everyday routine and diet. I need to find out how to gain weight, working out weighing as much as I do id just become a sickly ripped toothpick. I weigh a buck 20, I want to weight atleast 165. not much to gain but I cant fucking gain it my motabolism is to high. I Changed majority of what I eat to meat, and shit like rice, potatos, noodles, breads, nd little fruit and sugar. It’s just not working. Time for a trip to GNC.

K going to watch New moon with Brooke since she made me drive all over town to find it at 3 a.m

D.j