I’m just a piece of meat.. :-)

It’s been a while since I wrote and…alot has happened, more then I thought could in a months time. On the 3rd I have my…5th..4th session…my therapist wants my mom to be there so…yea. I’m scared because my mom knows things about me and things that have happened in my life that is shes words them the right way could potentially ruin me starting hormone’s..and i cant let that happen. I hope she just follows the guide lines…It’s not that I want to hide things from him…just my moms lies about alot for one and can barely remember what she said 5 minutes ago let alone 10 years ago. I’d rather him not no i used to be really suicidal…and drank to much, and that I have an anger issue..because none of those things are apart of me or who I am…just stressful points in my life. I guess I’m panoided by him knowing to much about me. I just want it over with i don’t enjoy talking about this transition it makes me uncomfortable…I hate thinking about the fact this is what I have to go through to be my self…its making me grow anger and selfish…i spend no time with anyone or talking to them, go out or kick it…i exclude my self from everything in an obsessed…"scatter" to get it over with. It’s begining to comsume me…I’m so often on edge of being odd or recognized for being born this way, I fuck my mind set up. I now worry how I look when i walk, how I sound when I talk, what size shirts i wear my body being bigger, bulkier…everything how I fuck…how i act with girls or in public…weather it reflects a guys actions or not. I second guess everything…

Work is work…6 days a week at 40 hours so I’m just getting buy paying everything that I need to. So I’m going to start applying for jobs. I need more income to be able to get a place and save money..then move hopefully by december. POssibly sooner. October maybe? So For the nxt…6-9 months I’m going to do nothing but consume myself in work, so hopefully but the end of nxt month that I get my T lettter I can afford to pay for my scripts. I hope I can get the mind set together to have self control enough to be able to work both jobs for that time. do everything in an organized manner and a health way…so i get decent sleep and can eat and such. What I did working at Taco bell and macys…wasnt workable. Start macys at 6…get off at 3:30 to be work at Taco bell between 4-5..to work til 4-5 a.m depending the night…and that left, food, sleeping, showering and drive time..into the hour hour nd a half time inbetween..i did it for almost 4 months….with no sleep. Hhahaha i never made so much money but it wasnt worth it..I crash and had to quit one and take off work for a week to recover. I did serious health damage to my self…kinda was the begining of my down ward spirl into hell…

(p.s of work: the girls are fucking insane!, they always want the guys attention its like a feeding house or something…just never thought with my "situation" nd them knowing i’d still be included. I never felt more like a piece of meat then I do now lol)

So we’re not going to repeat that.

Umm..So Tiff and Ashley decided to return to ohio…wonderful. Well Tiff went back..but ashleys still here. Shes with some other girl though which i find kinds dirty but  "We" figured that out before they even left. I dont think Alyda and her talked or hung out…as far as I’m told they didnt..but sometimes I’m unsure of it…concidering both of em have ye to be truthful about so much..is it wrong of me to be slightly bitter…since throgh out the whole thing they both new everything because i told em both..but i’m still left out and stuck finding things out months later…..I never say anything about it but it sits in the back of mind…like isnt it about time? like really? Something in the gut of my stomach just turns when they cross my mind like something just isnt right….

Then i got everything Krys alyda and I kick it some how some way the fact "they fucked around for like 3 mins and it really wasnt nothing but it happened"..comes up…like come on now…like what would u like it if  i was kicking it you and ur girl and bring that shit up like yea we fucked around blah blah lbah lbah when ya’ll are together…its aggravating…Would you say something or just act like it aint nothing? I just ignore it and seal my lips and close my thoughts…

Bottling to much in? makes me terrified for my blow up or my…release…can I maintain my..step of mind and release it how i through conversation at the right moments?? I hope so jail, prison, or completely alone is not…where I wanna be..

Let me make this statment. "you life is what you make it". If you aint doing shit and aint going no where, change what ur doing to get some where, if you dont like where u at, u at where u are because of what ur doing so change what ur doing to change where u at….dont jsut sit there and complain because everythign around you is falling apart…why is it falling apart cause u aint doing nothing much being selfish as fuck and not doing what u got to do to make it through life, and learn everything isnt handed to u and people come and go. You cant rely on someone else because youll go no where….Stop blaming everyone else for your own problems fix em and quite being lazy its hard but it fucking happens. I been from nothing to climbing to the top in a matter of a year because I gave it all i got to have whats going to make me happy….and what I want my life to be….its common sense and being an adult……

Sorry if feelings are hurt but someones got to say it….for those who do read this….it’s childish and someones got to say something…

I been going back and forth with something. I really dont want to mention to to anyone I really want to think it over. A few things have to change first i need one major "sign" to happen and i guess I can "go forth" and really get really for it. Wish  i could give a little more intel but i cant to many people read…

I have been working out every day and I feel great. I plan to quit smoking in the nxt week..got to find something that can control the cravings. I’ve been trying to watch what I eat as much as possible. hopefully I’ll be able to gain weight and bulk up a little. result are slow but getting there…kind odd my work shirts seem snugger…idk could all be in my head.

I’ve apperently moved back in with Alyda since…a few weeks ago…she was tlaking today to get a 6 month lease some where else with out erin…I hope she always me to help..kinda maybe a trial partner living situation and then that can determine…Arizona…crazy thought I have no idea…..my own place might be a good thing…kinda need that first own place so I can acquire "my own" things…not just a bunch of close and shit on some shelves.

New obsession: Lil waynes mixtapes…

night

D.j