Best Birthday Gift ever

Life takes you in directions you would never imagine. It has been been an interesting few months since I last wrote. I’m not even exactly sure where I left off, or when was the last time I wrote. so I guess it’s just left to whats going on in the now. Well On July 3rd I asked Sara out, so were officially together. I mean its hard to get used to since I had been dating and chasing Alyda for so long it’s just slightly odd to have my interested set in another direction. I do still love Alyda, and I’m not sure that it’s going to change. I do find my self thinking about her at times and how things have changed. I have had it imprinted on my heart and soul that she is going to be the one that I marry and have children, but some hoe those winds have begun to blow in another directions. I really sucks that we fought..as hard as we did for it all to just end this way. When you spend that much time with someone then it’s just over nd you find your self waking up to someone else, sometimes it’s a little much to try and comprehend. I really enjoy being around and with Sara. I mean it blow that we are so much alike because it could quite possibly be the down fall for us, but we seem to semi work through out troubles with  a little bit of time and frustration..or days later haha. I don’t know exactly were Sara and i are headed or if we’re headed any where. Sometimes I think it can go some where and sometimes i just think other wise. I get discouraged in relationships because I’m so scared to be hurt and it’s my instinct to dip out before I do become hurt. I’m hoping that I may be able to get over that and just "let things flow" as i have been. I don’t want to force my self to stay in love with Alyda in fear of never loving again, I don’t want to force my self out of love with her either. I just want her in my life, shes a major part of me and means alot to me and regardless of what ever I AM going to have her in my life and i dare the first person to tell or try to do other wise. I don’t want to force a future with Sara that she or i may not want, or that may not work. I don’t want to be so terrified that it isn’t going to go any where. I am a man with a select taste, difficult to put up with but "if you can;’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best".

So Here is the best news ever. I’M GETTING MY TESTOSTERONE LETTER….ok. Well So just in case you didn’t understand that, I’M GETTING MY HORMONES ND FINALLY GOING TO BE A "REAL" BOY!. I went to therapy on monday and he told me I have to write my autobiography, take my phyc eval, and have my meeting with them team and I’m good to go. I literally walked out of therapy and jumped on the ass end of my car in excitment. The first person I told was my mom, the second was…tiff, third was cat, then Sara, few ppl on face book, alyda bridgette n finally…Brooke. It only took so long to tell her because she automatically thinks imma take time out of my day to make her feel like shit. Sorry but I have better things to do. Anywho even when i told her she still didn’t seem like she cared so once again me thinking I was doing something decent was just a waste of my time. It sort of hurt my feelings because regardless of what ever I made a promise to this person to be one of the  first people i tell and I kept it and I’m still shitted on. It’s cool though I’m over it. So Pictures and the time line of my transition will start soon. Which means my name change, top surger, gender marker change and everything else is for sure on its way. It’s when hell of a birthday present.

I’m currently worked two jobs. Happys pizza as a delivery boy, and Megans diner as a cook. It’s work is all I’m going to say. It’s not enough money, and it doesnt pay bills but it’s better then nothing.

I need my own place but I’m scared to get a place and no no where I’m going, Arizona or Akron…akron arizona? arizona…akron…arizokon?…….some where in between. I’ve always dreamt of arizona and it is what I have been planning for ever, but I never know what exactly akron could have in store for me, could hold a real nice future for me, and decent schooling if I ever get that far.

My mom is tryingg to get rid of my little sister. She wants either me or my sister to take her or shes going to send her to my aunt lisa’s. She says it’s just for school. Though I knew as soon as Jake moved out to his mothers this was going to happen, and look yesterday was jakes last day at the house. He’s going to be home on weekends, but it’s a little different it isnt a parent that A.j is going to stay with. The poor girl is 12 years old and has only always only had a mother and now her mothers shippin her off. I wish the full intention my mother has for a.j was just to go to a better school, but sorry mother we all know you better then that. Liz and I are trying to get shit together to either get a place together (b.c shes bout done with B and wants him to move out) or just trying to figure out something that’s going to work. i wish Liz would move out the hood, nd move to a more suburban place so lil b calms down before he starts school and she can really begin to get some of the places she keeps talking about. IDK it’s all a mess really, liz’s lease is up in dec, sara leaves in jan, and i just dont know what it is I am doing. I just manage to keep my head up for the day and get by trying to pay bills and figure shit out, I can’t look that far in the future because I don’t know whats going to happen. Weather Sara and I are going to betogether if shes wants me out there with her, or where I stand in her life.

Everything is falling together and not less stressful but more barable. Though alot of things are falling apart. I am getting through things though. JUst letitng em flow.

1 month n 16 days til i turn 21!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

D.j