Alone (nojomo contest as well)

Todays contest is about your first concert. Since I have finally been to one I supposse I can write about it.

For my first concert I went to Peabody’s to see Bizzy Bone. There was others to, doing there thing trying to get there name out there, then it was Bizzy’s show. It was awesome to see the different flow styles, weather the songs were good or bad. It was a few hours long, and some artists just made me want to shoot my self, but it was like cool. My girlfriend Sara took me for my birthday, which made an amazing gift. The best I have ever gotten by far. To see one of my favorites grace the stage, live right there in front of me. I had chills. 🙂 My girls amazing what can I say

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Happy Birthday to my mother.

The first day not living with sara, and the first time not sleeping next to her in six months, make for things to be a little awkward. I just layed in bed for over and hour this morning, just looking at the under side of the top bunk. I wasn’t thinking of anything entirely, just missing her. It kinda of sucks not being yelled at for waking someone up entirely to early. I miss the smell of our smokey, stale cigaretted room, i miss the way she smells, i miss fighting with her all night tossing an turning stealing the blankets from one and other either getting ppushed off the bed or pushing her off. I miss her.

I haven’t eaten in a while, few days atleast, yet I still managed to puke for two hours this morning after waking up. Why no idea, the lack of food, stress or, maybe I’m beginning to come down with something. How about all of the above.

Tomorrow we’re going to pick up a.j It’s going to make me feel better, her feel better, and hopefully get rid of this hoe sickness feeling I have. i have never been home sick before, but now I am more then ever. My mother and I used to be best friends, we used to get along really well. The something happened to her, we started fighting, physically, and it all went down the drain. At times I hate her for everything she has put us through, the neglect she showed us and now a.j, and for never being woman enough, adult enough, or parent enough to care to the extents I feel a parent should. She want completely horrible, after all we are alive, nor ever homeless. I would give anything at this point to crawl into my mothers arms and cry like a baby, just something about it makes me feel as if it would some how make this crack in my heart, and soul go away.

Still today I have grown more, alone. even with all of the kids, and adult/ friends/ family that come and go through the house, and the constant someone there trying to talk to you, I feel incredible alone. It’s beginning to scare me.

In my transition I have come to terms with the way I was born, and what I have to deal with until changed begin to occur. I know there are going to be people who tear me down, and ones that are there to build me back up. That comes with anything that anyone is going to do. I live my transgendered life very..stealth. I don’t enjoy people knowing that I was born female, nor to i enjoy discussing the fact of, or discussing my transition to much, its very privet to me, just because it means so much. It’s pretty much my life goal. Living here is forcing me to talk about it, or more so people addressing me as trans, in an identifying manner, and I dont identify as trans, I identify as male. Period. It has only been 24 hours and that aspect is beginning to frustrate me more then it should. With having Dani here, stuck in the process of trying to figure out if he is or if he isnt, leaves me to be the one to talk to him about it, and help him out to understand so he can make the decision himself. (Or her/herself(ftm)). I feel slightly…odd about it and im not sure why. Maybe it’s just me being uncomfortable talking about it. Reminds me myself the way i was born and I am desperately trying to forget, which TRUST me there is always going to be something to remind me.

i’m going to spend some time with Sara after she gets off work. I miss her and I know it has only been a little over 24 hours since I saw her, but it’s difficult being seperated from somone when you have spend literally every moment with each other, in a 8 by 11 room for six months. I ave to walk, and it’s prob going to be a good hour and a half walk, with no cigarettes, bud, or music. My thoughts are going to eat me alive, but that along with the foot pains I’ll deal with tomorrow, the snow and slistering cold it all worth it if I only see her for a moment and get a single kiss. Much better then nothing at all.

nojomo #5

D.j